The girl woke up that morning
to the soft skin of her daddy’s hand.
He shook her gently, stroaked her hair,
and reminded her that it was time for breakfast.
He had made pancakes.
She really liked pancakes.
The girl went to sleep that night
to the gentle lull of her daddy’s voice.
He sang her a lullaby with a beautiful melody
and told her the story of a princess in a tower
for possibly the hundredth time that month.
But her daddy didn’t complain.
He just kissed her head and wished her a good night.
But she was already asleep.
A little time passed.
The girl grew a lot.
So did her daddy’s heart.
The girl was now tall enough
to ride the rollercoaster at the park.
Her daddy rode with her the whole way,
but he did not smile
he only looked sad.
The girl did not know why.
The girl woke up that morning
to very strange news.
Her daddy and mommy
sat by her side and told her
that daddy was taking a trip
and would not be home for quite a while.
The girl asked why.
Mommy told her that daddy was being brave.
He was protecting them like all daddy’s should.
The girl wanted to be brave just like her daddy.
The girl went to sleep that night
with a hug from her daddy.
He cried in her shirt and told her
that he’d write to her every day.
He said be good, and trust mommy,
and that he’d be home as soon as he could.
Much time passed.
The girl changed a lot.
She was no longer very short.
Her hair turned from blond to brown.
Her body became curved
and her mom had to give her
a new undergarment.
She had not seen her daddy
in quite a long time.
But he sent her many photos
of himself all dressed in green
with a cap on his head
and a gun slinked over his shoulder
and a tired smile stretched across his face.
That picture hung above
her mommy’s nightstand.
Her mommy kissed it every night.
The girl woke up that morning
to the sound of the doorbell.
“Can you get it?” asked her mommy.
The girl thought this was strange
but did not argue,
as her mommy had tears on her face.
And so the girl opened the door
and she gasped.
And she screamed
And she cried.
It was her daddy on the other side.
And when he saw her he grabbed her
and sobbed into her shirt
and told her he loved her.
And she hugged him back,
her mouth too dry for words.
For a moment, she was happy.
Very happy.
The girl went to sleep that night
with discouraging news.
Her father had told her
as he held her tight
that he could not stay forever
only for a night.
Three months and that’s all.
But he was here now,
and that was all that mattered.
He would visit soon again,
he just knew it.
Forever passed
or at least it seemed to the girl.
She was in high school now,
and was soon due to graduate.
Her daddy was far from her mind
but not from her heart.
She seldom received any letters from him anymore
and her mother no longer remembered
to kiss his picture each night before she slept.
It was almost normal to live without him.
Almost.
The girl woke up that morning
to the soft sound of crying.
She walked into the living room
to find that it was her mother.
“What’s wrong?” she asked.
Her mother just shook her head.
The girl gasped,
and she screamed,
and she cried.
The girl knew.
She just knew.
The girl went to sleep that night
or at least tried to
with tears on her face
and a lump in her throat
that she was sure would never go away.
Her chest ached and she couldn’t breath.
She never truly slept the night,
She could never sleep again.
The pain kept her awake.
Like always, time passed.
And eventually the striking surge of pain
turned into nothing more than a dull ache
in her throbbing heart.
The girl graduated
and with a stride in her step
she followed in her father’s footsteps.
She was proud. She was brave.
She was a fighter.
And just like always,
she was the daughter of a veteran.
Eventually, the girl followed her father
all the way into the waiting arms of death.
But not before she could create a little miracle
of her own.
It was a boy
and she named him after his grandfather
and told him every night to be brave.
And when she left him, she only knew
that just like her father,
she had created one hell of a fighter.
The son of a veteran.
And for once in her life,
she was proud.
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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Tears are gathering in my eyes. To you, maybe, this story may seem simple, but the truth is the simple words you've used to describe her sadness and events throughout her lifetime can really touch the readers heart. A gentle, heartwarming start and a powerful ending which leaves a strong impact on the reader.
I'm pretty sure a whole lot of other people who've read this have been driven to tears, as well. Job well done :')
Thank you! This is a fairly old piece, but even then I still remember how proud I felt after finishing this, and I still can't explain how happy it makes me whenever someone tells me that they like my writing :')
Hi, Tulip here to give you a review on this poem, that I happened to come across by chance.
First off, I am close to actually crying right now, and you want to know the reason? I mean, you reallllyyyyyy want to know? It's because these words in this very poem, is what I feared everyday while my dad was overseas on deployment. I was terrified that we would get that person on our porch telling us that he wouldn't come back home, not in the same way, never to be able to walk back through that door.
This poem really hits home with me. I am a daughter of a veteran of "Operation Iraqi Freedom" or "OIF", He is my hero, in nearly every way.
The formatting of this poem was okay but I am not entirely sure that it flows the way it should. Some of the line breaks within the poem seemed forced, unnatural. They made the poem choppy and less fluid throughout the entire piece. You have a wonderful piece here already, jut work on the line breaks. Let the line breaks choice themselves, don't choice them based off of the fact that you think it will look better.
Hey Mystery~
Okay, so I'm reviewing this as I read, and I can already feel the raw emotion behind this! Brilliantly executed. I also like that childish innocence you've managed to portray with your words, and it feels so very, very honest. I love it. <3
All righty, that's enough of technicalities. I think this could flow better in a few places, but you've really mastered that serenity and calmness that comes with narrative poems. It was like a quiet, subdued voice speaking to us, and oh, all that feeling.
Coming back to hard-core reviewer mode, I noticed that you've repeated these two lines quite often throughout this piece:
Normally, I would applaud the use of repetition to lay emphasis, since I'm a sucker for repetition myself. But there are such large gaps between the repetition of "the girl woke up" or "the girl went to sleep," that it doesn't really succeed in doing that. Also, the transition from time to time is rather clunky, and could flow better if you replaced some of the "that morning"s with something fresh; a kind of quiet symbol in the background of the way time has passed. And, if I might make a suggestion, you could subtly weave change into the style of the poem as well. Show how the girl is maturing with age instead of simply telling us. Like over here:
So the girl must be pretty old now, and this is probably the best part for your poem to start changing. Show how time takes away innocence, and reality takes its place. Like, I noticed you'd used "mom" in the beginning of this stanza, but then you reverted back to "mommy," which doesn't really fit. You could use longer, more developed sentences. Be colloquial. Read this out loud like you're the girl, and write her like you'd write yourself. Don't make the change very obvious. You could replace "had not" with "hadn't" for example, and "daddy" with "dad" or "mommy" with "mother" or something. Throw in a bit of detail. She's bound to notice more things now. Like, when her mother kisses the picture each night. I want to see her tired smile, the lines on her fore-head, the greying hair. You lay a lot of emphasis on the daddy's side of the picture. I want to see the mom's side, too.
This bit was kind of vague. I mean, I understood that you were talking about her losing her father, but you could've made more of an impact with this. I'm thinking a telegram on the floor. Red, horrible ink. Letters that look like cages. It's building up emotion, and then you come back to the girl. But this is just me making suggestions. As the writer, you know best!
So now that I've satisfied my inner-reviewing-ness, let me just say
OH GOSH THIS BROKE ME. SO MUCH SADNESS HOW COULD YOU DO THIS?!!
I could feel the intensity behind this the whole time, and that ending was amazing. It really manages to strike you. <3 Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant. While reading this, I was reminded of this poem I read some time ago that talked about the same thing as your poem, but without the passage of time thingamajig. Anyway, I think I'll stop rambling now.
Keep writing! Keep up the wondertastic work!
I hope this review helped.
~Pompadour
Interesting!! I really like this poem and the story it tells. Is this based on a true story? I think this could use some more description in some places, however. I like the way you put a new stanza for each "chapter" of the story. It was a little choppy in some places. Your transitions could be a little better, they don't flow very well most of the time. Keep writing!! You did a great job.
Aww, I'm sorry. I half expected it but was hoping it wouldn't happen. It's sad, sorta, she was brave and she followed her dad. She fought and left another fighter after her,like the repetition of the first few lines.
I like it, who was the girl? TT
Gummy's the name, and I'm here to review!
...Get back in there, tear.
This was a deeply moving tale stemming from a painful topic that has broken hearts since before history. War is a horrible thing, isn't it? I'm so glad Father came back from his own service to our country...
Now, what I really enjoyed is the change in font between the first 2 lines and the last 2. It makes the whole thing feel like one huge sandwich... one worth taking in and ingesting, actually. Now, the poem is a bit long, but I don't think it really matters much, since the story still moved me, as I'm sure it moved many others as well. Grammar-wise, I didn't notice anything that made me re-read the line. I might notice something when I re-read the whole thing eventually, but the last thing I want to do is give you a nitpicker's review over the most minor of things.
As always, very good work. Keep on writing, and make sure you keep on raising that bar! This is Gummy, signing out.
This is beautiful as ever. I had to leave halfway through the poem because I was starting to cry. The emotion is so poignant. My brother is in the Marines and I don't know...I guess it just really hit home. Thank you so much for sharing this! It's really well done.
Wow, thanks so much! I was inspired to do this when I saw a video on YouTube of returning soldiers surprising their families. Seriously, when I saw it I started crying (happy tears, of course), which was weird because I barely ever cry. I'm just so glad that you liked this, because it was a very inspired work of mine. And I hope the best for your brother in the Marines!
This would be a good prose short story, you should think about doing that.
-hero
Thanks for commenting, I'll definitely keep that in mind
Hi MysteryMe,here is Dark to give review on your wonderful-longest poem
I like the theme you want to point up ,and I think this is a very wonderful poem I ever read here.I think the tittle should be only 'The daughter of veteran'(just my suggestion here^^)
I love the way you deliver the story in poetic form that makes your poem seems interesting to read.But it quiet long here,and I think you need to shortening this poem but still convey the ideas that strong here.Anyway,I love this poem so much,it has so many and deep meaning here to tell the reader!
# And for once in her life,
she was proud. -->I love the end too^^
You doing a great job here!Keep it up and keep writing here in YWS
_Cheers,kudos
~Dark
Thanks so much! I'm glad you liked it! I'll definitely take your suggestions into account
If I could make a poem for this
and make it a review
I'd say that there's no poems like this,
(Well, maybe very few)
The subject matter was unique,
The feeling very raw
but rhythm in this poem was off,
(at least that's what I saw.)
This poem is already good,
Its something pure and new,
But if you want to make it great....
You need to even out the rhythm and rhyme scheme.
Love, Frances
This is jolly frances lol
Haha XD, thank you! I have to say, this is a pretty awesome review
And actually, about the rhyming, I know that its off. I meant it to be more of a non-rhyming poem, with just a few rhymes thrown in here and there.