My subject, my servant,
do not ask forgiveness, do not feel regret.
I hope you will stay with me 'till I breathe my last breath
but alas, tis impossible to wish for such.
If only I could give you half my life then I would do so
but destiny forbids it and has lead you to such a fate.
Why must it be so that you should perish alone?
If the time comes that I too would pass away,
I hope you are there waiting on the other side.
But if a chance could be given to both me and you,
there is but only one wish I would want to have had granted,
and that is for us both to be reborn in a world the same as ours, both dark and beautiful.
So when we meet again, you'd still be the man I loved,
the man who stole my heart in a moment's kiss,
the same man who made me feel life's true bliss,
but by then, I hope the world would not be so cruel as it was when I was your queen you were my knight.
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
Hey! Lillie here to review your work!
First off, I would like to say that this almost brought me to tears. This such a sad poem!
Well, here are the things I found that could be fixed. First, you need to capitalize the first word of each line. Next, I'm not sure of this, but I think there should be an apostrophe or however you spell i tin front of the tis. Also, me and you should be you and I. Finally, I'm pretty sure it should be: "and you were my knight. That's basically all I found wrong.
Second, the things I didn't like. I think in some areas, the way you split the lines made it sound a little bit choppy. Surprisingly, this is pretty much the only thing I didn't like.
And last, but definitely not least, the things I liked! I loved how you showed that no matter what happens, the woman will always love the man. It sounds like something out of a fairy tale, the prince and the princess, or the king and the queen. I also liked how you described how she's hoping for him to be waiting for her at the gates of heaven, so they can spend the afterlife with each other. That can come really close to home for some people, so that's a very touchy subject. You stayed within the boundaries of the topic, being kind and gentle with your words.
Overall, this is an amazing and heartwarming poem, and I hope to read more of your works in the future!
Keep Writing,
Lillie <3
This is beautiful, and I really love it. So, the way this review is going to work is, I'm going to list the things I really like, what needed work wording and thought wise, and finally some grammatical mistakes I saw.
Things I liked:
#1.
"but by then, I hope the world would not be so cruel as it was when I was your queen you were my knight."
This was my very favorite line of a spectacular poem. I love things such as this that review to the middle ages, even if you weren't specifically trying to do that. It gives formality and mystery to the poem, you know?
#2. I especially love how you describe your forbidden love and the way you word your want for it not to be so.
#3. There are a lot of things like about this poem, pretty much the whole of it ^.^ but I really enjoyed how you introduced this poem, with your mysterious beginning, it makes it so much more interesting than with a plain beginning like " I fell in love" though I can see you are definitely not that type of person.
Things I don't like:
#1. Not much, just the matter of grammatical mistakes.
Grammatical mistakes:
#1. "do" in the second line should be capitalized, as well as all the first letters of each line.
#2. All the times you say "til" should have an apostrophe before it, I say 'till a lot so I should know.
#3. On the 9th line, "in" should be "on".
#4. On the 10th line, it should be "you and me".
#5. "had" should be taken out of the 11th line, though it doesn't make much a difference.
#6.In the 13th line, it should be "we'd".
#7. On the last line, "would" could be "will", but that depends on what you were thinking, just a thought.
This is a remarkably beautiful poem. I applaud you.
~Racket
thanks
Welcome! ^.^
Daaaaaw :')
Ehem. Please excuse my unprofessional outburst. It's just that my story-in-progress has a similar situation to this poem (a queen and a knightttttt... but in a different way heh) and this was so great ^^
I don't have much to say other than how smooth this is, except for a slight repetition that interrupted the flow .. not a repetition of words, exactly, but of structure (if you get what I mean).
My favourite parts:
"So when we meet again, you'd still be the man I loved
the man who stole my heart in a moment's kiss,
the same man who made me feel life's true bliss"
^^
Keep on writing! Cheers,
Alpha
Daaaaaw :')
Ehem. Please excuse my unprofessional outburst. It's just that my story-in-progress has a similar situation to this poem (a queen and a knightttttt... but in a different way heh) and this was so great ^^
I don't have much to say other than how smooth this is, except for a slight repetition that interrupted the flow .. not a repetition of words, exactly, but of structure (if you get what I mean).
My favourite parts:
"So when we meet again, you'd still be the man I loved
the man who stole my heart in a moment's kiss,
the same man who made me feel life's true bliss"
^^
Keep on writing! Cheers,
Alpha
'different way'
'HEH'
What are you doing here and what are you trying to say.