It will take only one minute to read this
But you’ll need all your rest days to forget it.
Fake Love
Our passion was so alive,
We were happy and naive,
The things around so colorful,
Our hearts were beating wonderful.
We used to kiss back in the hall,
Careless we were without control,
No obstacles were between us,
Every sunshine was so nice.
After sunset we were there,
Letting our thoughts go everywhere.
But one black day you came to my,
Sadness, darkness and betray
Was everywhere, around you,
Her icy eyes wide open and so blue.
Infinite seconds passed till when
Your lips detached and you began:
“I hate all about you,
I want, all this, wouldn’t be true.
I want you out of my life,
And I will never be your wife.”
I could find in all this no meaning,
I asked insecure “You joking?”
“I never loved you” said she leaving the scene
And then, the cold penetrated all my skin,
I start to sweat, my head was spinning,
My legs were flush, my breath was leaving.
I lied down, on the cold floor,
My eyes were looking straight the door.
One instant ago she was just there,
Now she has left, I couldn’t stare.
Only one phrase was in my head,
“I want to die and it’s the end.”
My note:
-Inspiration and theme
I was watching the film “Moulin Rouge” and I got inspired by a scene where she enter his room and say that she never actually loved him. In film the scene finish differently and what she told him was a lie but I decided to write this poem using the starting point. And also my first verses where just the last two from the poem. I actually started from that phrases. It’s kind of paradox isn’t it? My first verses become the last.
-Title
I was quite insecure between two titles. The one I choused is “Fake Love” because is a strong title going straight to the point while the other “Consequences of a fake love” is more addicted to the main theme and more original if I can say so but at the same time is too long for a good title.
-Style
I wanted also to talk about these verses:
“But one black day you came to my,
Sadness, darkness and betray”
It seems that instead of “my” there should be “me”. Then the phrase would look grammatically right but I didn’t introduces there “my” only for rhyme. Actually the first verse should continue and it should look like this:
”But one black day you came to my (house),
Sadness, darkness and betray”
So in this case the word (house) is meant to be there even if it isn’t. It’s some sort of poetry technique. So don’t take it as mistake or as “me” instead of “my”.
-The film
I think about this poem as a tribute to “Moulin Rouge”. It’s the first time I saw it and I consider it a true masterpiece. It is so artistic, original and colorful but most important it affect you inside and truly reach your soul. So if you liked my poem then I highly recommend you to see it.
Thank you for reading and sharing your opinins with me.
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Canary word: Present
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,776 Reviews
Hello.
Moulin Rouge eh? I have to see that film again.
I'm not feeling your beginning. It's really flat. You start with this line that just hints on some wonderful imagery coming next but it follows up with three either no imagery lines or terribly cliche lines. Our passion was so alive. It's hints at such strength. It hints at fire and speed and vivacity... but then you say that the things around you are simply 'colorful'. This would have been good imagery had you been the first one to use it but it's been repeated and repeated for centuries on end and now when one reads it off a poem again it gives a really weak beginning.
This line was out of place. Truth is when I reread your poem I realized that there were some lines that just didn't quite fit in with all the others. Like what you said in that 'my' part, you put it in in order for your poem to fit the rhyme. Like what someone above me said, the my part wouldn't make any sense unless the reader read your note at the end. This goes with all other lines, if you're putting it in for the sake of a rhyme. Don't put it in. Put words in because it will improve your poem's message. Put words in that will solidify the atmosphere that your poem invokes. Don't put words in that sound like they came out of the blue just so fly will rhyme with pry or something like that.
Like that line with 'sadness, darkness and betray' it should be betrayal. I suppose you put it in for a rhyme. Put in betrayal because if not then a reader just pauses while in the midst of feeling th emotions of your poem and goes 'betray what?'
I love your concept though but I wish you put in more vivid words to this. It lacks power at the moment. Don't force the rhymes. The rhyme won't exactly matter if the perfect word to make the message clear isn't a rhyme.
So, anyway, good luck with this. Work on this concept. If you really do want to keep the rhyme then make sure that nothing is out of place.
Keep writing and welcome to this site.
--Knightly
Hey!
Hm. I don't really know what to think of this poem. I don't dislike it, but I'm not too fond of it either.
You're rhythm and rhyme sounded forced most of the time, like you were purposely choosing the wrong words so it could rhyme. Don't let your poem be pulled by your rhyme; let your rhyme be pulled by your poem, if that makes any sense.
I'm not sure I really understood why you did this. I know you explained your reasons, but if someone chose to skip that and just read the poem, it will make absolutely no sense to them. Besides, people don't usually have to explain their poems. Just something to think about.
Your grammar was one of the main things I noticed. Definitely clear that up a bit.
All in all, this has potential. I'm just not sure about the way you put it.
Keep writing!
zOe
Thank you for reading this poem. I appreciate a lot your support and I'm glad that you liked it. And thank you Stripes for clearing some poins here. I'm also new here and nice to meet you. As for the language thig it's no, english is not my first language. Actually I speak about 5 languages and english is just one of them but since it's interantional I keep using it for a larger public. This way i can recive more usefull critiques and lessons as yours. Yah I have to say some rhymes are forced, even if the thing with "wife" is actually part of the story. Usually I flowly write without forcing but when I came to end there are some gaps around poem that I have to fill. I think that's all and I will consider your advices next time and will write new things as soon as I get inspired.
Hi! I'm Stripes, I'm new here, too.
I think you have a good concept here, but you're being held back by your determination to rhyme. To me this poems feels a lot more like a song, and it might even work in that context, but as a poem it feels cliched, and a lot of the rhymes feel forced. I think you'd do well to try free verse and play with the structure a little, loosen up some of that rigidity. I'd particularly focus on the places where the rhyme forces you into rather strange places or non sequiturs; the one that stuck out most to me was "I will never be your wife." That felt very sudden to me.
You also need to work on the grammar in some of this. I don't know if English isn't your first language, or if this is just a proofreading issue, but at many points you skip important words (articles like "the," for instance) or arrange words incorrectly. I can go over it more closely if you like, but I've been going on for long enough and I don't want to hit you over the head, so for now I'll just say you need to go over this and proofread, or ask someone to do it for you.
One more thing: you mention in your notes that you wrote "my" instead of "me" in the fourth stanza on purpose. However, I'm not sure your justification is convincing. Keep in mind that you shouldn't have to explain that a literary technique isn't a mistake--it shouldn't look like one in the first place. A poem has to be able to stand alone, because you won't be able to write notes like this for every person who reads it.
I hope this helps. Keep writing!
~Stripes
hi
I've just read your poem and your completely right: It will take me forever to forget it. It was very, very well written and had a great flow. Your choice of words were very sophisticated and i found that it was very clear to see what you were trying to say through this poem. Also, i found I could relate to this poem and i think others will be able to as well. Seriously keep writing... Your fantastic! I will look forward to your future writing.
Moonstar x