Young Writers Society

Ok then?
I didn't really understand this
Well
5/10
Good Job
Keep Writing
THIS IS OLD

Elegant. < ---- doesn't need fullstop
you called me
that day
you said I smelled like
silk
does silk smell?
wafting at you as you walk
d'you inhale and think
mmmmm silk. "mmmm" i think it should be changed seems out of place
Like others sniff coffee
or baking,
but with you of course
it must be different
you smell silk
where others smell roses, or rain
you smell silk,
muslin
the way her eyes light up when she smiles.
You smell
of softness
ice cubes
and rainbows.

All in all I really like it its different!
wu x

erm this is good, don't understand the tiny sentances you used, didn't really understand what you were trying to put across. however good poem and nice words.

i like the idea of the 'smell of silk'... it seems very
original and isnt something you would normally see!
so well done there!

the content of the poem itself is a bit confusing in a
way but only a little... i like that you can write about
a subject like this without using all of the cliches and
things that you might normally!

Elegant.
you called me
that day
you said I smelled like
silk

^ this is my favourite part

only thing i can think of which would improve this poem
is to check on grammar etc.

d you inhale and think
mmmmm silk.

here the 'd' should be 'do' and i also think that 'mmmm'
should maybe be changed to something else

Hee just thought I'd blow my own trumpet a bit but this poem has been published in an anthology of teenage writing.

Wow, I liked this a lot! The poem gently flows kind of like silk, and the words just roll off the tongue. Very beautiful.

ahh! no commas! RESIST, WOMAN! NO COMMAS IS GOOOOD!

sorry...ha ha. I was seriously rolling when I read this. it is soo hilariously funny...me the mature one, reading a poem and missing the whole point because she's laughing. Nice.

you said I smelled like
silk
does silk smell?

Like others sniff coffee
or baking,

the way her eyes light up when she smiles.

You smell
of softness
ice cubes
and rainbows.

I'm really confused about what this is about, it makes no sense to me.
Sorry!

I agree with most of the above. I think that "the way her eyes light up when she smiles" should be deleted. If you do delete it, you would need some sort of transition between the 16th and 18th lines. Maybe some more of that pretty imagery that you are so good at!

Thanks for your comments

im kind of confused. sounds like some one angry because they were cheated by a lover. but i dont know. besides that its good.

Beautiful! Simply beautiful. I've read this poem several times but never had time to comment on it, so I will now

Elegant. (<< Is that a comma? If not it should be...)
you called me
that day
you said I smelled like
silk
does silk smell?

I love that bit - its both funny and poignant. DOES silk have a smell? I've never actually tried to find out. Note to self - smell silk next time.

wafting at you as you walk
d you inhale and think
mmmmm silk.
Like others sniff coffee
or baking,

Again, a hint of amusement there. I love the "wafting" line. Perfect. I'm assuming the "d" is "do"? And I like the "mmmmm silk". It reminds me of how I always swoon over bakery smells LOL.

but with you of course
it must be different
you smell silk
where others smell roses, or rain
you smell silk,

I'm not entirely sure I like the order of these lines. To me, it would follow better if it read "Like others sniff coffee/or baking/you smell silk/Where others smell roses, or rain/you smell silk/With you, of course/it must be different/You smell silk/muslin etc."

muslin
the way her eyes light up when she smiles.
You smell
of softness
ice cubes
and rainbows.

I adore those last four lines. I've never thought of any of those things having a smell before, and it just seems beautiful. I'm not sure about the abrupt transition between what "you" smell and then what you smell OF...it seems a little choppy. Perhaps you could put more in there to smooth it out? And the line about "the way her eyes light up when she smiles" is pretty but it seems out of place. Perhaps elaborate a bit more on that so it seems to be in place.
Otherwise, I think its a great poem. Lots of gorgeous imagery, although I do find, like Nate, I'm not entirely sure what its about. "You smell/of softness/ice cubes/and rainbows." is priceless. Keep up the good work!

it does sound like an indecisive little weed...i dunna know. my opinion. *shrugs*

The 'd' in the eighth line needs to be changed to 'do.' Also, 'mmmm' sounds out place. It'd be better off as "Yum."

I'm not sure what to think about this poem since I'm confused as to what's going on. At first, I thought this supposed to be an angry poem about a jilted lover, and then you said "the way her eyes light up when she smiles. " which seemed to confirm what I was thinking. But then the last lines seem sympathetic and loving.

From my take on it, it sounds like a person who can't really make up their mind. They are being cheated by their lover, but they still love the person. Not sure if I'm right on that interpretation though.