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Bloodloss

by Myriadne


The jab cross to your nose makes something give way
it bleeds
a lot
Your nose
Your face
is smeared with the stuff
grotesque really

no crimson droplets
glistening like rubies
or scarlet teardrops
pausing as they drip into oblivion
for You

its just plain old
Blood
mixed with mucus
leaking from
your nose
dripping down
your chin


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Wed Feb 09, 2005 4:32 am
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Brian wrote a review...



It's a very good, simple poem. It managed to evoke imagery of a school fight without ever mentioning such a fight.

I'm pretty much echoing what everyone else has said, but you need to cut the length of the first line in half, and I think some lines should be cut out. For instance, "a lot" adds nothing, "grotesque really" is redundant, and "for You" doesn't make sense.

All in all, I liked this. The description is simple, but powerful.




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Sun Feb 06, 2005 11:52 am
Firestarter wrote a review...



I personally didn't like this poem, maybe it was the general theme of the poem, or the language used, I don't know, but it never grasped my attention enough. I think for a poem on this topic should have been longer and perhaps more detailed, but that's just my opinion.




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Sun Feb 06, 2005 6:04 am
Sam wrote a review...



woah...no critique.

Great poem, though, (I know it's been said but still...) loved the whole thing about blood. I'm seriously strange, but still, past the blood, you did really do a great job with description...:D




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Sun Feb 06, 2005 3:48 am
Meshalidar says...



Rather... unique. Good read, nonetheless.

Simple, but with nice description. Possibly alittle too simple...

Nice job.




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Sat Feb 05, 2005 7:43 am
Chevy wrote a review...



pausing as they drip into oblivion
for You

I doubt you were talking to God, but please be aware than when you capitalize "you" it indicates you're speaking of God...I don't know if that was your intent or not.

Other than that, the first line wasn't necessarily inviting...it didn't really grasp my attention or allow me to even have a spark of interest. The first line really set the poem off at a really bad start. With a few changes with that, it should sound better.




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Sat Feb 05, 2005 3:41 am
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nickelpickle wrote a review...



Well, I am very squeamish around the very mention of blood. This didn't freak me out, so right away, well done.

The jab cross to your nose makes something give way


That was really long and really confusing (to me)



a lot
Your nose
Your face
is smeared with the stuff
grotesque really


A lot needs to be more descriptive (i.e.) it overflows, covers,etc)

Is smeared with the stuff
grotesque really


I hate the stuff. Be specific, create an image in our minds! Put something before grotesque.

no crimson droplets
glistening like rubies
or scarlet teardrops
pausing as they drip into oblivion
for You


Liked that, but get rid of "For You"

its just plain old
Blood
mixed with mucus
leaking from
your nose
dripping down
your chin


The ending could have been stronger. Anyway, it didn't reach out to me, but very good writing!




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Sat Feb 05, 2005 3:05 am
convintojm wrote a review...



i agree with galatea's comments and strongly suggest you consider at least most of them. other than that it didn't really grab me. i got to the end and i'm like ok painted a rather nasty picture in my head but i didn't feel liek there was really much of a point to it.




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Fri Feb 04, 2005 11:58 pm
Skye wrote a review...



The jab cross to your nose makes something give way
it bleeds
a lot
Your nose
Your face
is smeared with the stuff
grotesque really


The first line of this stanza confused me. I had to read it several times to get its meaning, and a confusing line at the very beginning of a poem is deterring. Like someone above said, maybe making it shorter would help.




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Thu Dec 16, 2004 2:24 am
bubblewrapped wrote a review...



I agree with Galatea about those little bits, but otherwise its an awesome poem. I particularly like the way that you didnt overdramatize the blood- I should say you deliberately underdramatized hehe - that was very effective. A great poem - kudos!!!




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Mon Dec 13, 2004 9:42 pm
Galatea wrote a review...



Ick. Blood. Uhm, it's not a bad picture you paint here.

Specifics:
The jab cross to your nose makes something give way--> (Too long, can you inset a line break somehow?)
it bleeds
a lot---> (uhm, not very vivid. I'd like to see something stronger here.)
Your nose
Your face
is smeared with the stuff--->(eliminate the 'is')
grotesque really---> (maybe add an 'its' before grotesque)

no crimson droplets
glistening like rubies
or scarlet teardrops
pausing as they drip into oblivion
for You --->(I would cut this line)

I like the idea that there is absolutely no significance to the blood. Its just that. Blood from a broken nose. Good job!





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