Slowly falling;
Never restarting,
Watching the world spin
For the last time,
Her eyes cry out
But silence is the only answer,
Slowly falling;
She closes her eyes,
Her voice tries to call out
But one tear falls,
The waterfall Is coming
Along with the pain
Slowly falling;
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140,382 Literary Works • 673,137 Reviews
Hi there!
First off, welcome to YWS. 
Okay, so I really like this.
The mistakes:
The "I" in is shouldn't be capitalized. And I'm pretty sure this is intentional, but the semicolon.... You're not really supposed to end a sentence with it. Again, I don't know if its different with poetry and blah blah so forgive me if it was intentional. *bows*
The emotion was strong in here, and it hit perfectly (actually, I'm not going to say perfectly , but very well). My favorite line had to be:
I love it!
And Greenlight mentioned this as well, but just more imagery would be nice. Where's the description of the flowing, rushing water and the tall skyscrapers? (Not saying you have to use those exactly, just examples). Add in some similes and metaphors and spice this up a bit. We want emotion, you got that, but we need a little description.
Overall, nice poem!
Hope this helps!
WillowPaw1~
Oh my goodness i didn't even notice the "I" and i proofread it a couple times and completely missed it. My English teacher when she taught poems to us a year ago said poems use semicolons or periods. It's just the authors choice and I liked it like that. Thanks anyway!
Oh okay! Your welcome though!
Hey,
Wow this poem seems really deep and personal which I love because it has heart!!!
It is really inspiring!!!
Keep up to great work!!!
~Pinkdinosaurs xx
Thanks
Hey,
Wow this poem seems really deep and personal which I love because it has heart!!!
It is really inspiring!!!
Keep up to great work!!!
~Pinkdinosaurs xx
This a good poem but in my opinion I think you could add more or fix your ending.
Other than that this was very emotional
As I was reading I really felt engaged
I wished there was a better way to end it
But this poem really describes some people's life right now
There not being any other way out
And as you said they are "Slowly Falling"
But anyway this was a Great Poem!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Keep it up
I was debating changing the ending but, i voted against it because i wanted to let the reader picture it themselves and try to fully understand how some people are actually dealing with this. I just wanted to keep the poem simple. Especially since i write a lot of super detailed and super long poems so it was a change for me. Thanks anyway though!
Wazz poppin', Mynameswriter!? GreenLight24 here with a review for you on this magnificent Monday night!
Okay so in this line you said "Her voice tries to call out." In my opinion, you should change that to "She tries to call out." Let's be real, her voice isn't the one calling out, she is. That;s really just personal preference and OCD right there so disregard this tidbit if you fancy hahaha.
*clears throat*
The very first thing that hit me about this poem was (drumroll please) the emotions. Just from reading the description I could tell that your subject matter was very emotionally charged, so the first question I asked myself was "Does this poem adequately convey a profound set of intense emotions?" The answer? Yes. Yes it does. I love the way you used powerful diction as well as interesting syntax along with repetition of the phrase "Slowly falling" to create an emotional effect on the reader. In my belief, poetry is the emotional literary form and best lends itself to the expression of profound emotions. In this work, that is on full display. Good job there.
I don't really have much to critique here just because I loved this poem so much, but if I had to mention anything, it would probably be the lack of imagery here. Now I know this poem is meant to be more of a subjective piece than an objective one, but I think it'd be totes cool if you went the extra mile with your descriptions of this girl and really added a whole new dimension to the images you've presented here. As I was reading this, I could picture a girl crying out for help and not finding it and I could picture the anguish and solitude, but I found myself wanting something more. Maybe throw in some even more powerful descriptive language and a few metaphors here and there too. Either way, I think the poem is pretty cool as it stands, so I'd only suggest making that adjustment would if you wanna take it the extra mile. Lastly, there was one line that I thought was a little bit awkward. *scanning, scanning* ah-hah! There it is!
Overall, good job on this one. I liked it a lot and it gave me a very nice break from studying for the Chemistry Test From Down Below. Thanks for sharing and remember, never stop writing!
Thanks a lot for that i'm so used to my friends critiquing my work and this i definitely enjoyed reading it. Also i'm going to keep it "Her voice tries to cry out" because it also says "Her eyes cry out" and i feel it flows better like that. Also sorry i didn't reply sooner... I wasn't on sadly. Also i write a lot of emotional stuff so if that's what you like you'll like it here. Thanks again!
It's cool. Great poem, bud!