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Tirian Chapter 1:

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Chapter 1: A walk in the Forest

Tirian walked through the Forest of Dean. He had been traveling for quite some time and was searching for a place to rest before continuing his journey. It had been raining the night before and the bright green trees around him still had water droplets tented on their leaves. The Forest of Dean was massive and spanned hundreds of miles to the shore of the kingdom. The sun was not visible but Tirian could see the light slipping through the trees and illuminating the dirt road he walked along. This dirt road was one of the many paths that coursed throughout the giant forest. It wouldn't be long until he arrived at the port cities' gates. The ground was littered with large mud puddles and piles of leaves but Tirian trudged through these small obstacles with no delay. He had to make it to his destination by noon. A small camp of bandits lay somewhere in the forest and their leader had kidnapped Jedadiah West, a good friend of Tirian's. The two had gone on many journeys in the past and made many enemies. Tirian had been tracking the bandits for a week now and was sure he was catching up. After blistering winds and scorching deserts, a hike through the forest was nothing. Tirian wore hand sewn clothes, a white shirt and black sash that went from his right shoulder to his left flank and then down to his right hip. He wore a belt, leather boots and gloves. He had a black pad on his left shoulder and gray pants with padding on the knees. Tirian also wore two crossed back scabbards that were made of leather. He was a young man who had wavy black hair that almost went to his shoulders and sharp green eyes. His face was thin like his build and he sported a grayish red scar on his left cheek. Tirian was at the age of twenty-one, and already a well known warrior.

He carried a sword called Prasino in one of the scabbards and had wielded the blade for quite some time. This was his only weapon, as most ofhis personal items were kept in safe houses throughout the Four Kingdoms.

Tirian stopped abruptly; there were footsteps up ahead. Moving to the side of the road, he began to reach for his sword, but thought against it. Listening intently, he recognized the pattern of the steps and realized it was only one person. Knowing that it couldn't be the bandits as they always traveled in packs, Tirian continued along the road. Around ten seconds passed before a man appeared at the peak of the crest on the road. He wore a long black and brown robe that stretched to his feet and a small rag for a hat. He was rugged, and as he approached Tirian noticed that the man had white hair and a wrinkled, tired face with brown eyes. As the old fellow came closer Tirian could tell that he was distressed. The elderly traveler rushed by yelling, "Run, my friend! This road is not safe!"

Tirian turned and watched him hobble away; slowly, he faded into the distance. Once the man was out of sight, Tirian turned and continued on. The sun began to show brighter through the trees and the path slowly lit up. There were muffled voices. Tirian turned and trudged off the road to the left. He silently crept over curled vines, and patches of leaves and twigs. The surrounding area slowly turned more wooded and the voices grew louder.

"Got any more?"

"Nah, we're all out," said a gruff voice.

They were men. Tirian edged forward, careful not to step on any branches in fear of alerting the bandits about his presence. He peered through the trees and saw them, sitting in a small clearing on logs. There were six in all.

"Hey, Roran, how much do you think we'll get for this lot?"

"I dunno. They're all weak," replied Roran.

"What about this one? He was pretty tough."

"Oh yeah, took the both of us to get him down."

Tirian scaled the side of a tree. Gripping branches, he hoisted himself to a strong limb and peered down at the barbaric slavers. The bandits were tall walls of meat with clothes. They wore dirty brown shirts and leather vests with black long pants. The oafs stomped around in black boots and three of them had beards. Two groups of captives sat at the center of the clearing. All of them wore ragged clothing and had their hands tied with rope. It seemed that the prisoners were all just poor farmers, except one. Jedadiah sat tied like the rest of the group on Tirian's right. He wore a white linen shirt, and a black bandolier with a gray belt around his waist. His pants were gray and tattered but his sleek black shoes seemed alright. Jedadiah had messy blonde hair and a short beard. His eyes were sky blue with light green rims. Also, he had a strong face and had an athletic build. Jed seemed scruffier than the last time he'd seen him but with the circumstances that much was to be expected. The bandits lounged about on wood logs. A pile of bags full of crops and supplies lay next to a burnt out fire. Two of the men sharpened weapons while the rest talked amongst themselves about the money they expected they'd earn off the slaves sitting right next to them. Tirian grinned. He took hold of a vine hanging from a branch overhead, and leapt into the air. He swung down and in an instant, his feet smacked into one of the bandits. The guy didn't know what hit him; he went flying, headfirst, into a rock on the edge of the clearing. The brute struck the rock with his forehead, and was out. Tirian skidded to a halt and said,

"Hello, my name's Tirian, and you can either turn my friends here loose or get beat to a pulp. It's your choice."

All of the bandits jumped to their feet and one sprinted at Tirian, full speed. Tirian stepped forward and crouched into a jump. He back-flipped into the air as the barbarian hurtled along below him. The brute completely missed and then stumbled and tripped over his feet. He lost his balance and flipped over to his back sending dirt up in the air as he collapsed in a heap. Tirian landed gracefully on his feet and bent over. He glanced up at the oncoming attackers.

"Beat to a pulp it is,"he said, lunging forward, pulling Prasino from his scabbard as he went.

He clashed blades with one of the bandits. The bandit had red hair and a curly beard. He bared down on Tirian with a heavy broad sword, but Tirian was a cunning warrior and dodged his opponents blows while striking quick ones of his own. Tirian cut the man across the knee with a quick slash and then drew back before driving his blade forward once again. Tirian pierced his opponents sword hand. The man shuttered and fell aside as the next challenger rushed forward; this thug carried an axe and swung wildly at Tirian. Tirian bent back and skillfully dodged the strike. He pulled up and kicked the brute in the shin. The savage toppled over with the weight of his axe. Two more came forward. There was one on Tirian's right and the other on his left. They were huge, hulking figures and possibly the biggest of the bunch.

SNAP! SNAP!

The ropes holding the prisoner group with Jedadiah were cut and Jedadiah revealed a shining silver knife in his possession.

WHACK!

Tirian jumped up and kicked both of the brutes at the same time sending them sprawled out on their backs unconscious. The last bandit fell to the ground with a thump and Jedadiah left his defeated foe to cut the bonds holding the second group of captives. The farmers stood around in the clearing and looked to Tirian as if expecting orders.

"Take your belongings and leave these men, they got what was coming to them. The main road is that way," Tirian said, gesturing to the paths general direction.

Among the farmers were men and women, even two little children gripping their mothers skirt. The people cheered and took their stolen possessions telling Tirian, "Thank you." as they scatterered to the road.

"Well, aren't you the heroic one," Jedadiah said jokingly, with his hands out in mock praise.

"It was nothing, just saving your life for the hundredth time, that's all."

The two friends took what provisions the bandits had been carrying and headed back to the path. Tirian and Jedadiah walked along the road, out of the forest on to the open plains. The sun was setting on the horizon and a red-orange burst of color began to appear across the distant sky. A small village sat in the distance and slowly, one by one, small lights began to appear. Night was nearing and they needed to find a place to rest. Slowly, Tirian and Jedadiah made their trek across the plains and the town grew in size.

"So, how have things been since we last parted ways," Jedadiah asked with a glance to Tirian.

"Well, that's actually why I came after you."

Jedadiah opened his mouth with a confused look evident on his face.

"I left them. The Light Knights; all of it behind. I'm never going back and I was-," but Tirian was cut off mid-sentence.

"Wait, you left! Why would you do that!"

"Okay, clearly I chose the wrong time to tell you."

"I'm just confused as to why you would just abandon them."

"I didn't abandon anyone. Unlike them, I came after you when everyone thought you were dead. I actually care about people; they just use them to achieve their goals. I'm done being they're pawn."

"Yeah, okay, great idea. Now what? Where do we go now?"

Tirian paused for a second and then grinned. "I have some ideas."

Comments & reviews · 3
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PoeticCowboy
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I love the chapter MyersTylerT!! The explaining of the forest and then the action of the fighting was incredible! The one thing that I was confused on was the setting of the fight, but that is my only nick in the story. I absolutely loved the story! Keep Writing Please!

~PoeticCowboy

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Elijah
Review
Elijah wrote a review · Sat Apr 16, 2016 10:55 am

Hello,raindrop here for a review!
Going through your work and seeing what is wrong and what is right.
This is the first part so I needed to start from here to udnerstand everything.
Tell me if the other parts had come out so I can check them after this first part.
Let's start with this review now,shall we?
First of all,the tittle.I think this is a name.Surely of the main chara but we will see that now.
I like the name (liking simple names in general).
I will go through this work and edit it on the way while reading!
(..) for the places I correct and ---- if I am skipping because I find nothing wrong


Chapter 1: A walk in the Forest

It was a cool summer’s day.
Tirian walked through the Forest of Dean.
He had been traveling for quite some time and was searching for a place to rest before continuing his journey to (a/the) port.
It had been raining the night before and the bright green trees around him still had water droplets tented on their leaves.
The Forest of Dean was massive and spanned (removed word) hundreds of miles to the shore of the kingdom.
The sun was not visible but Tirian could see the light slipping through the trees,(no comma here) and illuminating the dirt road he walked along.
This dirt road was one of the many paths that coursed throughout the giant forest. It wouldn't be long until he arrived at the port cities(') gates.
The ground was littered with mud puddles and large piles of leaves. (good details)


Tirian trudged through these small obstacles with no delay. He had to make it to his destination by noon.
A small camp of bandits lay somewhere in the forest and their leader had kidnapped Jedadiah West, a good friend of Tirian's. The two had gone on many journeys in the past and made many enemies. Tirian had been tracking the bandits for a week now and was sure he was catching up. After blistering winds and scorching deserts (,) a hike through the forest was nothing. Tirian wore hand sewn clothes, a white shirt and black sash that went from his right shoulder to his left flank and then down to his right hip.
He wore a belt, leather boots and gloves. He had a black pad on his left shoulder and gray pants with padding on the knees. Tirian also wore two crossed back scabbards that were (from) leather. He was a young man (who) had wavy black hair that went to his shoulders (then) straight(down) and sharp green eyes.
His face was thin like his build and he sported a grayish red scar on his left cheek. Tirian was at the age of twenty-one, and already a well-known warrior.

He carried a sword called Prasino in one of the scabbards and had wielded the blade for quite some time. This was his only weapon (,) as most of his personal items were kept in safe houses throughout the Four Kingdoms.

A man was coming towards him. He wore long black and brown robes that stretched to his feet and a small rag for a hat. He was rugged and as he approached, Tirian noticed the man had white hair and a wrinkled, tired face with brown eyes. As the old fellow came closer Tirian saw that he was distressed. The elderly traveler rushed by yelling, "Run, my friend! This road is not safe!"

Tirian turned and watched him hobble away(,) slowly he faded into the distance. Once the man was out of sight, Tirian turned and continued on. The sun began to show brighter through the trees and the path slowly lit up. There were muffled voices. Tirian turned and trudged off the road and to the left. He silently crept over curled vines, and patches of leaves and twigs. The surrounding area slowly turned more wooded and the voices grew louder.

"Got any more?"

"Nah, we're all out," said a gruff voice.

They were men. Tirian edged forward, careful not to step on any branches in fear of alerting the bandits (about) his presence. He peered through the trees and saw them(,) sitting in a small clearing on logs(. )There were six in all.

"Hey, Roran, how much do you think we'll get for this lot?"

"I dunno. They're all weak," replied Roran.

"What about this one? He was pretty tough."

"Oh yeah, took the both of us to get him down."

Tirian scaled the side of a tree. Gripping branches, he hoisted himself to a strong limb and peered down at the barbaric slavers. The bandits were tall walls of meat with clothes. They wore dirty brown shirts and leather vests with black long pants. The oafs stomped around in black boots and three of them had beards. Two groups of captives sat at the center of the clearing.
All of them wore ragged clothing and had their hands tied with rope. It seemed that the prisoners were all just poor farmers(,) except one.


Jedadiah sat tied like the rest (of) the group on Tirian(')s right. He wore a white linen shirt and a black bandolier with a gray belt around his waist. His pants were gray and tattered,(no comma) but his sleek black shoes seemed alright. Jedadiah had messy blonde hair and a short beard. His eyes were sky blue with light green rims. Also, he had a strong face and had an athletic build. Jed seemed scruffier than the last time he'd seen him but with the circumstances that much was to be expected. The bandits lounged about on wood logs. A pile of bags full of crops and supplies lay next to a burnt out fire. Two of the men sharpened weapons while the rest talked amongst themselves about the money they expected they'd earn off the slaves sitting right next to them. Tirian grinned.


He took hold of a vine hanging from a branch overhead, and leapt into the air. He swung down and in an instant(,) his feet smacked into one of the bandits. The guy didn't know what hit him(,) he went flying, headfirst, into a rock on the edge of the clearing. The brute struck the rock with his forehead, and was out. Tirian skidded to a halt and said,
"Hello, my name's Tirian, and you can either turn my friends here loose or get beat to a pulp. It's your choice."

-------



He clashed blades with one of the bandits. The bandit had red hair and a curly beard. He bared down on Tirian with a heavy broadsword, but Tirian was a cunning warrior and dodged his opponent’s blows while striking quick ones of his own. Tirian cut the fiend across the knee and pierced his sword hand.(did not get this part)

'CRACK! CRACK!' (italic)

------

'WHACK!' (italic)

Tirian jumped up and kicked both of the brutes at the same time(,) sending them sprawled out on their backs unconscious. The last bandit fell (on) the ground with a thump and Jedadiah left his defeated foe to cut the bonds holding the second group of captives. The farmers stood around in the clearing and looked to Tirian with expressions of anticipation mingled with fear.

"Take your belongings and leave these men, they got what was coming to them. The main road is that way," Tirian said, gesturing to the paths general direction.

Among the farmers were men and women, even two little children gripping their mother’s skirt. The people cheered and took their stolen possessions telling Tirian, "Thank you(.)" as they scattered to the road.

"Well(,) aren't you the heroic one? ," Jedadiah said jokingly, with his hands out in mock praise.

"It was nothing, just saving your life for the hundredth time, that's all."

The two friends took what provisions the bandits had been carrying and headed back to the path with high spirits. Tirian and Jedadiah walked along the road, out of the forest on to the open plains.




good job overall!

Thanks for the review! It was really helpful! I was writing my book and got to around page 107 but realized that there was a massive plot hole and rereading it, I realized it was a massively boring read. I wasn't writing the story I had originally wanted to tell and so I scrapped it and this is now a revised first chapter to 'Tirian'.

User avatar
Costa
Review
Costa wrote a review · Sun Apr 03, 2016 1:47 pm

Raising your leg to kick an enemy that's swinging wildly, without at least destabilizing him, sounds like a recipe for disaster, but I'll let that one slide!

I can't comment too much on the world itself as we've only a seen a forest but, from that bit, I can already say that your descriptions are certainly detailed. That said, the way you wrote them comes across as a wee bit repetitive.
Take a look at this:

The Forest of Dean was massive and spanned for hundreds of miles to the shore of the kingdom. The sun was not visible but Tirian could see the light slipping through the trees, and illuminating the dirt road he walked along. This dirt road was one of the many paths that coursed throughout the giant forest. It wouldn't be long until he arrived at the port cities gates. The ground was littered with mud puddles, and leaves, and patches of grass.


It kind of reads like a newspaper report, with how matter-of-factly things are being informed. Going "The X is Y. The Y is Z. The Z is A." gets the job done, of course, but adding some variation in form is always nice.
Furthermore, since we already know this is a forest, I don't think you need to inform us that the ground is covered in leaves and grass. That's to be expected, no? You can afford to leave some smaller details to the reader's imagination.

Finally, you make mention that it wouldn't be long to reach the port city gates but Tirian isn't headed there, is he? That confused me a bit, so maybe that can be changed slightly.

So, what if we rewrote that like this?

"The Forest of Dean was massive and spanned for hundreds of miles to the shore of the kingdom. The sun was not visible but Tirian could see the light slipping through the trees, illuminating the puddly dirt road he walked along. This road was one of the many paths that coursed throughout the giant forest, the port cities gates sitting at its end."

As for the characters, your descriptions of what they're wearing and look like are quite on point. I can't comment much on their personalities until I've seen more but, so far, they seem like likeable people. They are certainly competent fighters, too, and I approve that Tirian knows enough to cripple the opponent with blows to the hands and joints.
And I presume there's a reason why he has two scabbards but only one sword, yes?

Finally, there are a few grammatical errors or outright missing words here and there. In the very last phrase, for instance, you write "They traveled all night and until dawn the next day", where it would be dawn OF the next day.
Of course, this is nothing a quick round of editing can't fix.

Overall, this has good promise. I'm guessing Tirian and Jed were in the middle of something before suffering this slaver interlude, so I look forward to how things progress from here.

Keep at it!

Thanks for the review! I've been working on this book for a long time and wanted it to be great! I got to page 100 and something though and realized it was a bore so I've scrapped the plot hole filled first draft and started again. I reposted chapter 1 but this time as the rewritten better one. Hope you stick around for the rest and thanks again for the review!



Your presence can give happiness. I hope you remember that.
— Jin, BTS