And upon my eyes,
Darkness spread,
A tear of loneliness,
That my heart shed,
I Think of whole day,
Moments that I fed,
Struggled here and there,
Whenever my hunger led,
Now the sleep knocks,
My senses like the dead,
Silent my lips are,
Evil that I said,
A question rises ,
In my silly head,
How soon ? I'm shocked,
I've reached my bed...
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Canary word: Present
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125,012 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
This was creepy the most poems that I read are going about the dead, but I like your poem, it was so deep and I love it cause it rhymes. I make rhyming poems too, cause they are a lot easier to write then Free Verse.
Anyway, ''Evil that I said''; OMG I love that line, it has something mysterious about it. ''Silent my lips are'' is my favorite sentence, cause we don't need always to talk....
''Now the sleep knocks'' is beautiful too, it has such a powerful thing in this poem and I wish I had your talent, I hope one day I become so good as you.
The two phrases in the beginning of your poem are so good, a great start of your poem, this poem is sad in a beautiful way
-- Dazzle
Thanks Dear I am happy to see you review.
your welcome
First I'll, unfortunately, start of with the cons.
On the first line, "and upon my eyes, darkness spread."
You could've said, " Upon my eyes, darkness spreads."
If you can tell the difference between the two.
Instead of continuously using commas, you could've made them into separate sentences using a full stop or a semi colon.
You could've used a different word to silly, on the 14th line or possibly no need for a word at all.
Like how the second line it says," darkness spread," you could say (on the 14th line),
"In my head."
Create more tension, build up, then drop at the last line.
Now the pros
Despite everything I've said, I love it!
I love how every second line, the last word rhymes! It was clever and well thought of.
Keep on writing, I'll definitely read them!
Thanks , your review has inspired me to prepare myself for writng a new poem.
That's great!
I would really appreciate some guidance for improvement.