Kyouzou

Interesting flash fiction! It's rather eloquent and pretty. I can see you have talent! By the way, hi! I don't think I've seen you around YWS before. I'm Razorblade.

Anyway, the fatal flaw in this piece is the fact that there's not much action, and the ending just kind of peters out. I'm sure you could come up with an ending that packs a much, much bigger wallop than the one you have now. Don't tell us how it ends; show us. Not to mention it kind of becomes obvious that she's a ghost. Leave some up to guesswork! Makes everything in the world more interesting. And it'll improve this piece a lot better.

Notice I'm not being too finicky on the action; that's because while in general it's a bad thing to be stingy on the action, it works for this piece. So I wouldn't worry too much, but maybe you could put some more action into the ending? And so we come full circle.

In essence, this piece is good! It made me feel fuzzy inside and put a good image in my head. Your description is impressive.

PM me with any questions!
-St. Razorblade
The Official YWS Pirate

I think this is really sweet, but at the same time, it could use a lot of work.

I'm going to start with the title. I say this to everyone, but try to avoid fangirl Japanese unless it's absolutely necessary. A rule of thumb is if it doesn't add to the story, it takes away from it. In this case, the Japanese title doesn't add to the story. I think it would be much better if you picked a theme or phrase from the actual story and used that as the title.

You could really stand to add some strong description. Especially in a scene that takes place in such a short period of time, you have a lot of room to explore and expand on every little detail, from her dress to the wallpaper to the color of her hair, or what the narrator is doing in the hotel lobby. Do they work there, or are they also waiting for something? Remember to show, not tell.

Nice idea here! Really, a truly intriguing concept.

I have a few suggestions:

Add description
What it this lobby like? Is it fancy, with a crystal chandelier or dumpy with the wallpaper peeling and the floor-tiles chipped? This will help give the piece a less dry, more realistic feel.

Add metaphors and similes
This is only my opinion, my method, but I recommend adding metaphors and similes to make the story fuller and more colorful. Remember when doing this to use them to your advantage, for instance: if you are trying to describe the sound of a motor say "like the purr of a contented cat" if you are trying to describe it in a positive light and "like the growl of an angry dog" if you are trying to describe it in a negative light.


Line by line

There is a girl sitting across from me in the hotel lobby.

What is she waiting for? Maybe it’s a date, a ride, a friend?

Maybe A model or pop star perhaps.

My mother is showing me a picture of my grandparents. They are dressed nicely, my grandfather in a suit and blue tie and my grandmother in a white strapless dress with a white lily in her hair. They had just been married. The wedding had taken place in the same hotel where I now sat wondering about this young woman.

Before I can fully comprehend what has just happened I realize that she is gone. The woman with the doe eyes and charming smile had not been real.