If Only She Would Have Thought First.

Heys Mya!

So this takes a concerning turn toward the end, which is well done because I didn't really see that coming at all. I mean, I suspected something but not what this ended up being, so great work on that twist!

I think you need to trim this down, a lot of your paragraphs have run-on sentences, which IceWinifredd below me has gone through quite comprehensively (wow!). Those sentences coupled with a repetitive feeling in your paragraphs makes it a little hard to take the narrator seriously.

"His sweet embrace holding me tightly yet maybe too tight. His voice, like a tune I could never forget, however much I wanted to. His eyes filled with so much color, yet too deep to look right into."

I'm confused because Ivy knows at this point what Jack has done to Clary, does she still love him? There's no fear in these words, although they are definitely creepy and concerning, they lack that deeply ingrained worry on her part. We need something added to these lines, perhaps some description of the embrace. What is a sweet embrace particularly attached to a tune she wants to forget? Usually I'm really okay with vague statements but this story is full of them! Jack is never described and we don't get a feel for where the girls live or their home or anything. We get to know the girls are beautiful and you describe them (a little too much, actually, I know they're pretty but you make them sound almost TOO angelic) but we don't get to hear anything about this Jack fellow. If you want the suspense of 'he could be anyone' you can still describe him for us and then suggest toward the end that he could be anything now, look like anyone.

Since this story is missing a bit of description it is harder to get into the story fully. I don't know that I care about Ivy and Clary as individuals. I care about them as girls who are being emotionally/physically abused but not as their characters necessarily. I know it's difficult to write these kinds of things in when your narration is first person, but this feels like a diary entry rather than inner thoughts so I think you can play with that. Less statements like "Oh how much I would give to see (hear?) her sweet voice again" because they don't SAY anything to our emotions, they only feel like words. Consider some similes, metaphors and other literary techniques to jazz your writing up.

Despite feeling a little empty, you definitely kept the interest up and I wanted to read to the end, and I'm happy I did so! Thank you for writing this, if you make any changes let me know, I'd love to read more!

- Pen.

Wow. I sure didn't see the ending coming. Poor Clary died? So sad. But let's move on with the write. Overall, I think the idea behind this work was really well thought out. I liked how different it is and how it shows off how original and unique the story is. I liked the narration, but I don't feel like you portrayed Ivy's hurt feelings very well in the writing. She doesn't sound hurt. The writing is empty and it didn't even make me think about her feelings twice this lacked emotion so it's hurt to have sympathy for the main character. Also, I want to point out that there are a few errors in the story that you should go back and correct. Nothing major honestly, but these are the ones I've managed to spot for you:

EX. 1: "Around this time last year my life turned around, I was no longer the joyous Ivy, the golden hair Ivy with the shining blue eyes."

I feel like you used the main character's name, and the comma, way too much in one sentence. You should rewrite it into something like this: 'It was around this time last year that my life turn a drastic turn for the worst. I was no longer the Ivy I use to be. The girl with the tawny hair and the shining blue eyes.'

Or something like that. You'll know what you want to do with it.

EX.2: "He was out to destroy me, and I was too naive to even notice, to stupidly in love to realize, that the words he spoke to me meant nothing, that the kisses we shared were full of betrayal.:

The problem with this one is that you have a run-on sentence and there's too many commas in the middle. Try something like this: 'He was out to destroy me and I was too naive to take notice. A fool too stupidly in to realize that the words he spoke meant nothing, the kisses we shared so full of betrayal.' (Sorry if that sounds too dramatic).

EX. 3: "I had always sensed something wrong with him, yet I never discovered what, not that I cared much, I was too happy in his embrace to bother with his many mysteries."

Same problem with example number two. Run-on sentence with too many commas. So try something like this: 'As blind as I was, I had always sensed something wrong with him. Something off and deceiving, but because of my misguided happiness I hadn't cared enough to take notice of what it was. I couldn't be bothered with his many mysteries when I was wrapped inside his sweet embraces.'

Ex. 4: "Things started to change when she turned 20, I had just met Jack, who I then thought was the love of my life."

Run-on sentence. I'm sure you know how to rewrite this.

Ex.5: "I spent a lot of time with Jack, this damaged Clary, she thought I was leaving her just like our parents had done. She didn’t come out of her room as often as before, nor did she smile as often. "

The first is a run-on sentence. As for the second I don't think there should be a comma after before, but I could be wrong. So, for now, rewrite the first sentence into something like this: 'I spent a lot of my time with Jack [ provide the reader with a little bit of what they did together that was so time-consuming]. This eventually damaged Clary, leading her to believe that I was abandoning her like our parents.'

Ex. 6: "As I left my bedroom I saw her entering hers “Where have you been?” I asked her. "

This lacks punctuation. This should be something like this: 'I saw her entering her bedroom as I emerged from mine. "Where have you been?" I asked her.

EX. 7: "No word left her mouth, I asked her again “Clary, where have you been?” Still no answer, she gave me one last glance before she entered her room."

Try rewriting this into something like this: 'No words left her mouth. I asked her again. "Clary, where have you been?" Still she gave no answer. Instead, she gave me one last glance before disappearing into her room. '

EX. 8: " “Ja-cc-kk.” She stuttered."

I feel like the stutter is written wrong. Wouldn't it be better to write it as 'J-Jack?'

EX. 9: "Then I realized, he had been after her all along, not in the romantic way, in the destructive way."

Run-on sentence. Try something like this: "It was then that I realized that Jack had been after her all along. Not in a romantic way like I imagined, but in the worst way. The destructive way."

EX.10: "Oh how much I would give to see her sweet voice again."

How can you 'see' someone's voice? I assume that you meant to see 'hear'?

Also, if she already entered her room with the main character in the hallway (I would presume) then how or when did she stutter Jack's name? I thought she gave no explanations when Ivy tried to question her. You should go back and make that last bit clearer for the reader to fully comprehend.

Aside from all that, I liked the story and I can't help but feel a little mad at the character because of Clary's death. But very nice job on this! I liked it a lot! Keep writing and have an awesome night! -IceWinifredd