Published February 10, 2009
Author's Note 04/27/09
So, here's finally the third version of the prologue.
I'm really sorry it's taken so long - I've been letting myself get distracted by other stuff ...
Next update will take a while. School's kicking me around the place, and I have tons of stuff to do for that, so I don't have a lot of time to continue writing. But I'll try to do it as soon as possible!
I hope this version is an improvement to the other one. If yes, I'm happy. If not, let me know what I can change.
Again, please look for any grammar/spelling mistakes or weird sentence structure 
Reviews/Criticisms/Comments are much appreciated!
Hugs and kisses,
MySunshine
---
You kept me alive - Prologue [Third Edited Version]
It was the end of a long day of practice – of going through her performance for the next competition, perfecting all the jumps and spins and spirals on ice – and Alizée Carson was looking forward to an relaxing evening with her boyfriend Peter.
Just as she packed her ice skates into her training bag, her phone buzzed loudly in her pocket, telling her she'd just received a message.
Ali, remember, you're supposed to come over tonight ; ) If you do forget, I'm gonna be crushed and will probably screw up at the hockey game tomorrow. Don't want that to happen, right? So see you later. Love you, P.
Smiling, she texted him back that no, this time she wouldn't forget and was just about to head out.
“See you tomorrow, guys,” she called and exited the ice rink.
The night was warm for a night in early winter, and she decided to take the route through the park, although it was known to be a dangerous place, especially at this time of the day. But she enjoyed walking through the park and it was a shortcut to Peter's.
There were only a few weak street lamps lightening up the dark, and the slight breeze made the shadows of the trees dance around as if they were alive. As far as she could tell, she was the only one there.
Straightening the strap of her training bag over her shoulder, she hummed the melody of the song she had chosen for her performance. Even after years of ice skating, she still thought it odd that hours of practice could make her feel so much at ease. Especially now that she'd won various important competitions in figure skating and the press had taken interest in her, she found peace just by gliding on the ice.
However, that didn't mean her feet were okay after she'd practiced her moves on ice for six hours with barely any breaks. Spotting a bench nearby, she made a beeline for it, sat down and took off her sneakers to massage them.
A sound somewhere close to her caused her to freeze, but there was nothing. Shrugging, she continued massaging, and wondered what Peter was up to.
He had been acting strange for a while. Well, not strange exactly, but very suspicious. Sometimes, she caught him looking at her in a weird way, but he always denied that when she mentioned it. Other times, she had the feeling he and Nora, her best friend, had conspired against her, because they were always on the phone with each other, their voices low and hushed, or sitting closely together, whispering into each other's ears and stopping immediately when she entered the room.
That made her extremely curious, but Peter was good at keeping secrets and wouldn't tell her. Was it something for their three-year-anniversary, maybe? It was only a few weeks away, but they had agreed to stick to a romantic dinner, so she thought it unlikely.
He and Nora weren't having an affair behind her back, then, were they?
She mentally shook her head, calling herself an idiot. Her family and friends always told her how obvious Peter's love for her was, and it was apparent to her, as well. There was no way …
Attempting to get that disturbing thought out of her head, she decided to go through her routine again as best as she could here.
Humming the tune, she closed her eyes and twisted and turned, minus the glides on the ice in between. She was almost done when her phone rang.
It was Peter.
“Ali, where are you?” The worry was apparent in his voice. “I thought you were coming over right after practice. You're almost an hour late.”
Surprised, she took a look at her watch – it was indeed nearly nine o'clock. “I'm sorry, Peter, I totally forgot the time. I was practicing a little more in the park, but I'll be-”
“At the park? Ali, it's nine, it's dark and I'm pretty sure no one else is around. What are you thinking? You know it's dangerous there, especially at night.”
“Alright,” she sighed. “I'll be on my way now.”
“No, stay,” Peter told her. “I'll just come pick you up. Do not move an inch, and do not talk to anybody until I'm there, okay?”
She sighed again. “Okay, Peter.”
“Good. See you then. Love you.” He hung up.
Knowing him, he would probably be here in half the time it would usually take – approximately twenty minutes.
Out of the corner of her eyes, she saw someone walk in her direction, but she put it off as someone who had also decided to take a walk. About to pick up her bag, she stopped again when she heard a male voice.
“What's a pretty girl like you doing here at this time?”
Her eyes scanned her environment, but there was only that person she had vaguely seen just a minute ago. He continued walking towards her now, but she chose to ignore him and meet Peter.
She took her bag in her hand and turned around, only to find him suddenly stand there, barely a feet away, looming like a tower over her. He was dressed exclusively in black, his dark hair falling almost into his eyes, the shadow of the night concealing most of his face.
“You shouldn't be out so late. Something might happen to you,” he continued, and she noticed the almost ironic undertone in his voice. An amused glint appeared in his eyes. “Don't you have someone worrying about you?”
She was too scared to answer and she knew she couldn't run from him. With his long legs and agile built, he would catch her easily, and besides, she felt immobilized. She doubted her feet would move, even if she wanted them to.
Where is Peter, she thought frantically. He would be able to help her, fight that stranger off without difficulty. Where is Peter?
Slowly, the amusement in his eyes vanished and was replaced with a coldness that sent a shiver down her spine. He raised his hand, and the lamplight caught on the object he held in his hand, an object she hadn't seen before. A gun.
She opened her mouth to scream, even got her feet to moving away, but his free hand shot out with blinding speed, gripping her wrist, at the same time she felt a blinding pain explode in her head that plunged her into darkness.
***
Voices penetrated the fog in her head. They seemed to come from far away, and she tried to shake of the drowsiness to be able to hear, but it didn't help.
“Wake up, Ali,” a teasing male voice said. “I have a surprise for you.” She instinctively shrank away, but found her arms were tied and she couldn't move. What was happening?
The voice spoke again. “Wake up.”
No, she wanted to say, even scream, but she couldn't find her voice. It felt as if her tongue was glued to the mouth, as if the word got stuck somewhere in her throat.
What was she doing here? Why was she tied up? Everything from the time after the mysterious man in the park had knocked her unconscious to now was a blur. Only bits and pieces of unbelievable pain inside her head, in her arms, her wrists and the pit of her stomach. It was like a completed puzzle that had been destroyed again.
She managed to open her eyes, and after a few blinks, her vision cleared and she found herself on a large bed, surrounded by little fluffy pillows. A soft blanket was covering her. Confused, she took in her environment; the room was rather large – it was painted in a dark blue color, the closet and old-fashioned desk of heavy oak adding to the rather bleak atmosphere.
There was a small TV at the foot of the bed that was set on a low table, its screen and case layered with dust. A show of sorts had been paused.
She noticed bags full of fluid and little bottles, as well as a half-filled water bottle, on the nightstand to her right. Two bags were hanging on a pole that was standing next to the bed, the tubes leading to her hand.
Finally, her gaze fell on the man sitting at the edge of her bed, regarding her with an interested, vaguely satisfied smile. It was the first time she saw him in light – or at least she didn't remember seeing him before – and somehow, surprisingly, she couldn't take her eyes off him. His hair was a dark brown, slightly wavy and mussed, his eyes of a light gray color that made her think of death. He sported a mustache on his upper lip, and a faint scar run along his left cheek from his jaw to his eyebrow.
He smiled at her. “Hello, Ali.”
How do you know my name?, she thought, even felt her lips moving in sync with the words, but nothing came out. What was wrong with her?
The smile grew wider. “So you can't speak? Interesting.” He took out a small notebook and a pen and wrote something down. “Do you think it's because you haven't talked for a long time, or because of something else?”
She just stared at him, his questions confusing her.
“Something else,” he answered the question himself and scribbled again. Then he put the notebook away and focused his attention on her. “I guess I should reduce the amount of the medications,” he told her, his voice amiable, as if he were talking about the weather. “You've been slipping in and out, and even when you were conscious, you were too drugged to notice anything. But now your head's clear, right?”
Not knowing what else to do, she nodded her head.
“I have a surprise for you,” he repeated his earlier words. Picking up the remote control of the TV, he pressed a button and the screen turned blue. At the same time, the VCR came to life with a buzzing sound. “I recorded it, seeing that you wouldn't have been able to see it in your condition. I thought you might like to see the news.”
He pointed to the TV and she heard the familiar melody of the local news channel.
The man fast forwarded the first few notifications. When he pressed 'Play' again, she saw a picture of herself that must have been taken during one of her performances.
"One month has passed and there is still no news concerning the disappearance of Alizée Carson, young and famous figure skater, who was last seen on December 1st near Haysfield Park in Chicago, Illinois. Her boyfriend, hockey player Peter Mills, had found her training bag abandoned near a park bench and called the police ..."
One month? She had been gone for a whole month?
The news reporter continued. This time, it showed Peter in his hockey jersey. "Peter Mills, left winger of the Chicago Blackhawks, has just announced his return to the NHL. Mills had taken off the past month to dedicate his time to the search of Alizée Carson that, as of now, is futile."
The screen went black again.
“Interesting, isn't it?” the man asked. “I thought so. You're probably wondering what you're doing here and why I chose you. I'll tell you,” he continued without actually waiting for her answer. “You're my test subject. As a soon-to-be doctor, I should know all effects of all medications, right? I'm testing it on you, but don't worry – I did some research on all the meds I'm using to prevent overdosing you, and as further prevention, I make sure to give you only a minimum.”
Test subject? If she were able to, she would have attacked him. He was abusing and drugging her to see her reaction to it? A hysterical laugh bubbled up, and she barely managed to swallow it back. He might write hysteria down as a side effect, she thought to herself, the hysteria giving way to bitterness.
“You're just perfect for it – young, healthy, athletic. I checked your background,” he added, obviously satisfied with the 'progress'. His next words seemed to be more for himself, not for her to hear, “I wonder whether you'll still be able to do figure skating after this.”
She tried to cling to that – if he wondered whether she would still be able to do figure skating, he must be thinking of letting her go sooner or later.
The ring of the doorbell sounded deafening in the otherwise silent room.
The man got up and watched her for a while. “I'm going to go downstairs and see who that is. I don't have to lock the door, do I? I don't mind that, but I'd rather not. If you promise me to be a good girl and keep silent, I'll leave the door open and let you clear your head. I think it'd be better if I let the drugs wear off – as I said, I don't want to overdose you.” He waited for a moment. “So, do you promise?”
Instead of answering, she strained against the ropes around her wrists, trying to tell him without words to loosen them, but they chafed on her skin, causing waves of fiery pain to explode from her wrist and spread all over her body. She bit back a scream.
He sounded almost apologetic when he said, “I'm sorry, but I can't do that. I promise, though, that I'll take care of your wounds there when I'm back.”
He was already gone when she noticed he hadn't waited for her answer and left the door open anyways. She strained her ears to hear – she could make out two male voices, but couldn't really distinguish them from each other as they sounded too alike, and she couldn't understand what they were saying.
She heard the sound of footsteps – as far as she could tell, both men were coming upstairs. Panic took over. Did he mean to show her off? Show the 'progress' of his study?
“You could have told me” - this time, she recognized the voice of the soon-to-be-doctor -, “and I would have brought the script over to you.”
The other voice seemed to be vaguely familiar and, compared to the doctor's, had a more comforting, soothing tone to it. She couldn't really explain it, except that while she thought of pain and agony when she heard the doctor's voice, this one made her think of safety and sanctuary.
The footsteps and voices faded away, so she assumed they were moving away from her. Should she do something? Scream for help or at least make a sound for the 'guest' to know she was there? This was the first time she was awake and had an opportunity to get help.
But what if that didn't work? What if the other guy already knew about her, strangely enough approved of this, and didn't care? That doctor-guy had told her he would pump her full of drugs if she tried anything. But wasn't it worth a try?
She looked around herself to find something that would make some noise and that she was able to reach. Her gaze locked on the little bottles on the nightstand and the pole with the fluid bags, but she wouldn't be able to upset them – she could barely move her hands. That only left the bed and herself, because she still couldn't find her voice.
She arched her back and writhed around as best as she could, but disappointingly, the bed didn't creak at all. For a moment, she lay there, staring up at the ceiling and even contemplating to give up and just let that doctor-guy do with her what he wanted to. But then she saw Peter's face before her – remembered how he'd always smiled at her and then the bleak and desperate look on his face in the news. She wanted to try, at least once, for him.
She threw her head back to examine the ropes and was shocked to see that the skin on her wrist was chafed to the point it was bleeding from several wounds. Her body – especially her neck – protested soon against this position and there was already a crick in her neck, as well.
The two men were coming back – she could hear them talking again. In an desperate attempt to attract the attention of the doctor's friend, she tugged hardly at the ropes and the same fiery pain from earlier shot out. A moan escaped her lips.
Silence. Then, “What was that?”
“What do you mean?” the doctor asked, but it was apparent he knew what she was up to.
“Didn't you hear that? It was something like a moan.”
“What?” he said with a laugh, but she could detect traces of anger beneath the friendly tone. “You must be overtired, buddy. Go home and get a good rest.”
She wanted to scream in frustration when they went downstairs. However, the frustration was soon replaced with fear when she heard the ominous sound of footsteps coming back up.
He stood at the door, the glint in his eyes resembling the one he'd had in the park. “What did I tell you?” There was no trace of friendliness left – only coldness. “You made him suspicious, and we can't have that.”
He moved to her nightstand, picked up one of the bottles and an injection and filled the latter with discomfortingly much liquid. As he made an attempt to inject it into her bloodstream, she tried to move away, but of course, that was impossible. He gripped her arm, straightened it and pushed the needle deep into the bend of her arm.
Almost immediately, she could feel something like a heavy blanket settling over her. Her eyes drooped, then closed.
Just before blackness completely swallowed her, she heard his voice: “Sleep well, Ali.”
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140,552 Literary Works • 673,424 Reviews
Ember
I didn't know if it was enough (though I wrote that whole kidnapping scene a little more detailed now), because I've never written a creepy scene before.
Thank you so much for the review!
I know it's been ages, but I finally got around to upload the newest version
KailaMarie
Thanks for the review!
I'm so glad you thought it was creepy
I tried to change that, too, so no one gets the two men confused. I hope I did that a little better.
Thanks again
kestralspace
Haha, thanks
Yeah, I think it's kind of weird, because my English writing skills are even better than my German ones, although I technically grew up with German
I hope it's not as confusing before and it got a little more scary ^^
Let me know?
Thanks again to all who reviewed on this
MySunshine
English isn't your first language? Wow! You put my writing to shame and It is my native language!
Well...as every1 else seems to have done a grammer check...I won't bore you with another one! Though I will say I'm a little confused at what's going on...I does jump about a little and I had to read it twice before I got it...prehaps you need to do something about that?
You might want to do just slightly more description of the park...scare us slightly more....not that I wasn't scared anyhow but a bit more would have been nice!
I absolutely loved this. It was creepy but really well written! Great job. I don't have anything you should improve on except in the beginning all the "he" and "him" things got confusing. I would try to make that a little more clear. Fantastic, though. Especially for someone who doesn't speak english as their first language. I'm really impressed.
I think this was an interesting piece- plot is definitely your strong point. I was like 'Oh my gosh!' when she actually got kidnapped like Peter and her father said.
Though, you could do a bit of work on details. I liked Evi's suggestions about setting, but I also wanted to know about the emotions that your MC was feeling. I wanted to know how your MC went through content (at the park) to annoyance (with Peter) to fear (with being kidnapped). You might want to get into some detail about how she was feeling throughout this whole thing, and what the setting looked like. It could come alive a lot more if you could describe things better.
But overall, I love your ideas! I think that this could turn out to be an awesome piece of writing!
Message me when you have the next installment!
-Ember
IdunnSofie
Hopefully, after a few more rewrites, it'll be as close to perfect as possible 
)
Thank you so much for your review
I'm really glad you liked this!
Yes, there will definitely be more to this
It's just the prologue now, and I've already written a few chapters, but right now, I'm trying to make the prologue as perfect as possible, so there won't be anything new yet. Sorry about that!
Hope you come back for the next chapter - or the revised prologue, maybe?
Nutty
Thanks for reviewing!
I'm rewriting the prologue right now, and I hope it'll be done soon
Sela Locke
Thank you for the review ^^
I'm glad it's getting better
Mars
Thanks a load for taking the time for reviewing
I'm glad it was creepy, because that's the way I wanted it to be (although I guess I have to work on that a little more
Yes, I'm trying to make more clearer who of the guy is who. I have to admit even I did get confused, which is a really bad thing ...
I'm also working on the descriptions and I hope it'll be better then
It would be awesome if you came back to check out the revised prologue and the chapters that'll follow
Thank you guys, you're so awesome!
MySunshine
Hi, MySunshine. I'm (finally) here as requested, and really sorry that it took so long!
Pronouns.
Tenses.
Mood.
So, I must be honest - I really only have a couple of things to point out here, and I haven't read the other reviews, so perhaps I'm repeating them. I'll get to those right after I tell you that it was creepy (in a good way) and well-written and I loved it.
There.
Now, the first thing I noticed is that you have a lot of pronouns, and lots of pronouns can get confusing. I love that you don't tell us their names right away, especially since she wouldn't know her kidnapper's, but it would be better if you could describe him - say, he has dark hair or something. And then in her head, she could call him by that feature. EG, Dark Hair said, blah blah blah! Mustache nodded. You know? Just as a way of clarifying, without giving up their actual names. Otherwise you end up with He was talking to him and it doesn't sound good.
Secondly, when you go into the flashback - I think you did this at the end, but not the beginning - you change the tense of the first couple verbs. Instead of It was the end of her practice and she packed her skates into her training bag. it should be It had been the end of her practice and she'd packed her skates into her training bag. I know you're not a native English speaker, but you have to change the tense so that it's clear that it's a flashback - then you leave the rest of it as it is, then at the end you do the tense thing again with the last verb. It can be confusing >.< but otherwise, the reader is left going, huh? She was just being kidnapped! So yeah.
Okay, that's the actual critiquing done. But (and maybe this is just my preference) I would love to see more atmosphere, more description, more...more! Not necessarily the people - although, like I mentioned above, you could name them that way - but what does her torture room look like? Smell like? How do the voices sound? Gravelly, soft, barking? Is her bed hard or lumpy or squishy or...you get the idea. It's just that, since she's been in here, she'd have time to notice everything, and I think it would really help the mood of the piece if you could give us a little more of that.
To sum up:
So, as I said already, I think is a great start, it definitely has enough intrigue to keep me reading! Hope this helped, PM me if you have any questions (and again, I'm sorry it took so long).
-Mars
AHAHAH, I'm back! -gigglesevilly-
Well, I don't have much to say. It gets better every time, and the only none-nitpicking thing that really bugged me was the fact that he didn't speak. If it were my story, I'd have him chatting away with her as if they were old friends - but maybe that's not his character, I wouldn't know. It's just that, well, the whole "I'M TOTALLY SILENT AND I'M GONNA KNOCK YOU OUT WITHOUT A WORD JUST BY BEING BIG AND TALL AND DARK AND STUFFING SOME WEIRD-SMELLING CLOTH INTO YOUR FACE," seems cliche, expected. I'd make him drag it out a bit, maybe even make him act 'nice' to get her off her guard, and then when she like, turns to check the road and see if Peter's coming yet, he knocks her over the head from behind or something. That would be a little more exciting, I think.
Anyways, good job! This was much better. Can't wait to see the third revised edition! ^_^
-SELA
Hey!
Hrmm, something is off here. As I was reading, I came to 'come and save me.' and thought that was the end, only to look down and see the next line may or may not be linked to the former one. Is the line in italics the voice? If so, it shouldn't be a new paragraph, as the first line of a paragraph should be able to stand on its own. If it's not, and another voice entirely, then clarify. State what she could hear, to avoid confusion.
Okay, I can read this two ways. It could be either:
Endless seconds of pain, and agony of not being able to fight or defend herself.
This is saying that there is pain, and not being to fight is causing agony.
The other way is
Endless seconds of pain and agony; of not being able to fight or defend herself.
This is saying there is endless seconds pain and agony, and endless seconds of not being able to fight or defend herself.
This sentence is a little long, what you want to do is keep one idea to a sentence. Here you have that the night was young and fresh, that she decided to take the park route home, that her father scolded her and reminded her it was dangerous. You could have three sentences, but two would suffice:
The night was still young and fresh, so she decided to take the route through the park again. Her father always scolded her for walking that way, reminding her that it was dangerous for a girl to be alone in the park.
The 'as well' isn't needed. Unnecessary words slow down your plot and distract the reader, taking away from the effectiveness of the sentence.
Overall, this is actually quite interesting. I enjoyed it.
What I suggest you do is show her emotional reactions more clearly. Think about what happens when you are scared, your palms sweat, you tremble, you breathe shallow and fast. Inserting descriptions like this can really portray an emotion without you having to state what the emotion is.
An example:
Tremors ran through my flesh, my muscles tensing. I could feel my heart shuddering within my chest, trying to escape the confines of bone and flesh. My tongue flicked out to run across my dry lips, which ached from being pressed together tight against the emotion threatening to escape. I took a shuddering breath, my nerves alight, and stepped out into the light.
Is better then saying "I was so nervous I was shaking", right?
Other then that, you have a really interesting little prologue here. Well done.
-Nutty
Wow, this was really good! I'm not so good at giving reviews, and now everyone has already "taken" everything there might have been to correct, so I really just wanted to say that I loved to read this.
The only thing I can think of is that the beginning is very confusing. But that only really made me more interested and stuff, and I'm guessing there will be more on this story?
If not then you should have explained the beginning better, and if you are planning to write more (Or already have?) then you should leave it confusing =)
Anyways; great work! *Thumbs up*
Evi
I really appreciate it!
Well, I was always interested in English, and spending a high school year in the States helped a lot, too.
, when I rewrite it.
Thank you so much for your review
Well, my parents are both Korean, but I was born here in Germany, so I'm more fluent in German than I am in Korean ^^
A major thanks for the link! I do have lots of problems with punctuation - I confuse the German and the English one quite often, so I tend to use the German rules when I write in English and vice versa ...
I'll be sure to check that out whenever I write
Wow, you really did give a detailed review
Thank you for pointing out all the unclear stuff - I'll try to rewrite them as best as I can!
*gives major hug*
Again, thanks a load for the review!!
asxz
No problem ^^ Thank you so much!
Sorry about all the confusing sentences; I'm working on another rewrite with the help of all the helpful reviews I got
Jeez, I notice now how many 'typos' I have *hides in a corner* Sorry about that again.
As for Parker ... I should have know that would happen, as I was kind of dumb and named a character in another story Parker -_-
I corrected that immediately!
Thanks
It wasn't harsh at all, I think. Very thorough and helpful. I'll try to consider everything you said for following chapters!
Thanks again!
Moriah Leila
Thanks for the review
Thanks also for correcting all that - all my teachers tell me I have a problem with run-on sentences, and I don't know how to change that ^^"
Well, I was a little unsure about writing too much, because it's a prologue and I didn't want it to be too long. But I'll make sure to explain more, 'show' as you've said
Thank you!
I didn't read any of the previous comments before me, so if I repeat something I apologize. Also, I am not going to attempt to correct your grammar since I am not strong in that department. I got a couple nitpicks:
Instead of telling us that she is enduring pain and has no way of defending herself, can you show us? You already talk about the ropes chafing her wrists and her body aching. But maybe you can be more specific, does her neck have a crick in it from being in the same position over time? Are her arms hurting from being tied to the bed? Does she have to pee? Is she thirsty? Hungry? I'd like all of this to be covered.
I think this dialouge flows better, and sounds more natural.
This seems weird to me, since you describe how the girl was abducted, which means she does remember, at least part of how she got there. She may not remember the drive there, but that's not really important.
I would reword this sentence to say something like: She had just finished her practice and was packing her ice skates into her training bag.
The changes I made to this sentence I think help it flow better.
Young and fresh sounds redundant. Why don't you say the night was still warm, that'd make more sense. Also, this is one extremely long run-on sentence. See if there isn't a place that you can break the sentence up into two sentences.
This is the second time you have used route in the same paragraph. I really don't like redundancies. Also I felt like the sentence was worded awkwardly. Maybe you could say: But she enjoyed walking through the park and it was a shortcut to Peter's.
Sliding doesn't seem like quite the right word. I think gliding would fit better.
Overall: I think this story has major potential. I really like the plot and your characters seem real enough. However, you do have a habit of telling us instead of showing. For instance, you give us a huge info dump about Ali and Peter's relationship. That's bad. Instead of giving us all that info all at once, break it up. Have Ali think about her relationship with Peter when she is being held captive. Have her go back in time and relive memories she had with him. That way you can show us their relationship in a way that isn't overwhelming. Plus I think that will help you beef up your characters and get them connecting with your audience. Hopefully that helped, and if you need any more reviewed you know where to find me!!
Hi... Sorry I'm late, I had homework backed up!
Okay... here you say the same thing twice. I would suggest getting rid of the italics, and just having the second paragraph as your first, even if it were meant as a quote. IT annoys the reader to have a preface, and then immediately know, or re-read what the preface was talking about.
You just said it was a year perhaps, so why are you talking in second. There are 31,622,400 seconds in a year, so you could be talking in the millions or the hundreds, you need to expand on this thought... it just confused me
Jeez, what's going on here (That's the good type of confusion talking:)) It seems like she's looking through a two way mirror.
What type of practice? This would develop your character more, knowing something as simple as what sport she plays.
Also, You say how there was another person in there, is she being raped or something!?! She's tried to a bed, but there was no-one else in the room for a long time, from what I understand. It doesn't make sense.
Show... not tell. You must get this a lot, as it is YWS motto, but there is a great article on it here
Okay... first of all, it would be texting back, and second, this is good. It shows us that your character is human, and she makes mistakes.
Okay, finally we have a sport. Thank you, but you could put it in earlier.
Cliche alert! Try and be more subtle, you could say that her father was worried for her, or that it was known for 'violent activities'. Saying that he 'reminds her of how dangerous it was to be alone in the park as a girl' just sounds too long and arduous if you read it aloud.
Tree? Tree? There is only ONE Tree? What kind of park is this? *Kicks dirt and walks off*
Who is Nora?
Okay, I didn't actually notice before now, but This is the first time we hear her name. What is her actual name, you could put that in some where.
It takes her an hour to walk to a park and sit down? I don't think that this is right!
It's nice to know that her boyfriend cares for her, but this is a little schizophrenic. You say it is Peter on the phone, and then call him Parker. Fix this up!
Okay, get rid of the second her. You could re-write it to be something like this:
By the time he stopped, he was towering over her. He was so close that there was barely an inch between their skin.
As always, she has only seen him once before!
Okay, other than a few grammatically weird sentences, it was good. I want to know more, and that's very good. I can't believe that you can write this well in your second language! That's amazing, Well done!
Overall, the plot was excellent, I'm sorry if my review sounded harsh, but really, It was all cookies and biscuits. I would like to hear more of this! The only thing you need to work on will be showing, and not telling, but everyone finds that hard! Good luck!
Ahh, romance. *sighs wistfully* Thanks for posting in my Examination Emporium! I'll pay extra attention to your grammar and sentence structure, although so far it seems that your English is pretty strong. What is your native language?
Alright, so a good thing to know is the proper usage of semi-colons. They pop up everywhere, and once you know how to correctly punctuate with them, your realize how incredibly useful they are. I happen to have a handy dandu tutorial on semi-colons right here! Hehe. Written by yours truly, actually.
I'd re-write the sentence as follows: Every time I thought that this would be it, that this time the pain would surely kill me, I'd hear your voice, and I knew you were with me.
Just because the phrasing seems a bit funny as of now, ya?
No 'on', m'dear. It's unnecessary.
Alright, so, in this next part I'm not quite sure what's going on. Your 'he' is so ambiguous that I can't really tell who he is; I'm getting the impression that he's her true love, but he's keeping her captive or something? Why then?
Ultra-confusing. I have no idea what she's talking about. There's her love, and he's wonderful and everything, but there's someone like an evil twin who is...well...evil? Then who has her tied down and drugged?
Repeating the same words seems to ruin your flow a bit. How about rephrasing the second sentence as, "But she enjoyed walking with the flowers and trees to keep her company, and the route to Peter was closer this way as well."
See how this adds description (not to mention personification, but that's something else entirely) and solves your repeat issue?
Same thing. Perhaps you could change the second one to 'them'. Pronouns are lovely, don't you agree?
And stopped what? Try this: ...because they were always either on the phone with each other, their voices hushed, or whispering behind shadows, only to stop immediately when she entered the room. I suggest something like this because it gives us more imagery and description, which you could defiantely use to your advantage here. They're like spices for a wonderful dish. The main meal itself might already be wonderful, but sprinkling some description here or there couldn't hurt; it only adds o the piece. Ya?
Without the 'him' it emphasizes more just how worried he is-- he's driving twice as fast as any normal person.
Alright, so, I'm going to go back to something in the beginning. I didn't mention it earlier because I thought it would be clarified later on, but ovciously it wasn't.
To know the age of the house, she'd have to be familiar with it. So far you seem to be telling us that your MC has no idea where she is-- if she did, wouldn't she have mentioned it? Wouldn't you have mentioned it? If she's just taking a wild guess at the age of the house, she'd have to assume it was pretty old. How? Are there spiderwebs dusting the ceiling beams? Can she feel the house breathing, each creak of the floorboards or crack on the wall like moans and eyes?
You could possibly replace the bolded sentence with something like: How old is it, anyway? God knows it must be twice as old as I am.
On that note...
Description seems to be your main issue, m'dear. As in, there isn;t quite enough of it. You have here a quite interesting story, very well written, but as of now it's missing that extra 'oomph' that's going to draw us in and want to read more. It's a bit bland. You could be telling us of the moonlight streaming through the canopy of trees, or of the broken stacatto of the abductor's footsteps. Choosing first person allows you to connect so much with your character; here, we can't connect with her because we don't feel like we're in her place. I can barely imagine the park, and Peter is still a fizzy haze. What's so wonderful about him? A love-struck girl would be gushing about the way that one curl would never stay behind his ear, or how his eyes always had this distant, faraway look about them.
In other words? Give us more. I think this can be lengthened a bit to help us place ourselves in the scene.
Meh, it's only the first chapter-- I know you'll get there sooner or later. Thing is, it has to be sooner, because otherwise we have your generic lovey-dovey teenage girl and your overprotective boyfriend. Ali needs to be super-developed, since she's your MC. A great way to do this is to use description, as I mentioned above. Why? Because one person might think the crickets chirping in the background are serene and soothing, while another could think of them as nuisances and background noise that's only distracting her from the true bueaty-- flowers. One person could love the smell of rosemary, while another could have a sneezing attack whenever she gets within five feet of them. See what I mean? An easy way to characterize is to set up situations that allow their personalities and preferences to show. Feel free to use any of these examples.
Hope this was helpful? Anyway, I'll keep an eye out for the next installments and hopefully get around to critiquing those! See you around, dear!
~Evi
Thanks for your review, Sela
I really appreciate that you took the time to review again!
So, this is the second revision. I hope it's improving, or at least that you can tell I revised something
Let me know what you think, will you?
Thanks,
MySunshine
This edited version was better - but perhaps, don't rush the flash-back so much? I mean, it still seems like your stifling what could be a really exciting part of the story by not drawing it out, not describing her feelings and thoughts. Maybe she could sit down on one of the park benches first, and then hear a sound behind her. She'd study the empty park for a moment, and then dismiss the sound and go back to, say, thinking about something that had happened that day, perhaps something her father had said about her being out at night. Then she hears something again, and this time stands up to continue her walk home. Maybe he's swinging on the swings, and he jumps off and walks over to her - she's too surprised to move, or speak, so he starts talking. Is he eccentric, stupid, clever, or just a silly pathological kidnapper? Instead of saying he was 'tall' you could say he towered over her, he loomed over her, something like that.
Also, try to liven up your descriptions - they're pretty good as is, put you haven't really breathed life into them yet. Make the scene feel real, scary, exciting; make the reader freeze, drinking in each word until the end. I, for one, love a story that can actually make me fear for the character, that I can actually imagine myself in - y'know?
Well! I do think it's improving. Just keep up the practice, mm'kay? Good luck, the road of writing is a long and twisted one.
-SELA
Wow, already more than a hundred views! That's really encouraging
:D
I do love Twilight and I have read all the books and thought they were pretty much awesome, so it's nice to hear that my writing is almost as good ^^
Thanks for the two reviews from Sela Locke and puppykiss!
I'm glad you liked it ^^
lucyy
I hadn't thought of that. Thanks!
Sela Locke
Thanks for the review!
Thank you also for pointing that out ^^ I'll make sure to rewrite that part when I correct the mistakes I made
Yes, if you want me to, I can write you a PM when I post the edited chapter
puppykiss
Thank you for the review!
That's a really nice compliment
But, no, I didn't get those ideas from Twilight, nor was I inspired by it. I started reading Twilight last year, sometime around summer, and I started this story early spring.
Thank you guys again! Hope you'll stay with me
MySunshine
Well Hello!!! I think that was great. But did you get that idea from Twilight? Were you inspired by Twilight? Your words are so like Stephie Meyer's words. I would die to have such... well they're so good I can't describe them...wonderful words.
I've noticed the others've have got most of the nitpicks, and I don't like nitpicking anyhow, so... (;))
This idea was actually really intriguing. To have her stuck somewhere and this person keeps drugging her so she can't leave and all, and at the beginning, I was really interested... But this, for instance, kinda threw me off:
The way you put this, it sounds boring. I mean, I can see it being really exciting, if you recounted (maybe in italics, to show 'twas a memory) her riding home, and stopping in the park, only just lit by a few weak streetlamps. How all the mouths of the slides looked like someone was hiding within, how she sat down to rest on one of the benches, but then heard a sound, like someone slipping down a slide. How she whirled, to see something crawling slowly from the slide, and was too paralyzed with fear to do the only sensible thing: escape. I can see being pretty much just rapt, if you wrote it right, if you explained her feelings and her surroundings, maybe read it over to get the flow going better. Y'know what I mean? ^_^
Like I said, this would be a really cool story, if you cleaned it up a bit. I love stories like these, where someone's trapped and they don't know why, etc. Just try to make the dialogue sound a little less mechanical, and maybe describe the man more than him simply being 'tall.'
Good luck, anyhow! PM me when you clean this up a bit, won't you? =D
-SELA
I think that you should just simply put that bit in after the title, followed by *** or something like that to break it up from the rest of the story. I think it being before the title was a little confusing, so it would go like this:
You Kept Me Alive - Prologue
You kept me alive. Every time I thought that this would be it, this time the pain ... everything would surely kill me, I heard your voice, and I knew you were with me. I knew, if I could hold on just a little longer, you would come and save me.
****
His deep, soothing voice....
And then go on to tell the rest of the prologue - do you think that will work?
--Lucyy xx
No problem xD
Well, it's basically that first part before the actual prologue. You asked me to clarify where I got that from:
Thanks in advance ^^
Sure, I can give you some help, but what are you referring to (sorry I'm a little slow today), if you let me know and I promise to help you out as best I can
--Lucyy xx
Thanks so much for the reviews!
:D
I'm so glad you liked it ^^ - this story isn't really my best one
lucyy:
Thanks for your review! It was very encouraging
I wasn't so sure whether to include that first part in the story or not. It really is part of the story, but comes somewhere at the end, but I thought it kind of explained the title.
Do you have any suggestion on how I could make that clear without writing something like "This is what she said to him"?
Anyways, I'm relieved that I didn't make too many mistakes xD I get confused alot as to where to put commas and where not, and all that - most of the time, it's totally different in German -.-"
Thanks again!!
lilymoore:
No problem, I appreciate any form of review, and I didn't think yours was bad
To the part with the two guys - I have to admit I don't like that part very much, either. It was really hard trying to put myself in her point of view and try to describe them, differentiating between the two "him"s. My form of "apology" for not describing it more detailed like you suggested is that I assumed in her state, pumped full of drugs, she wouldn't really be able to tell them apart. But I don't know what that would be like - not from experience anyways
But I'll try to make that clearer when I edit this chapter!
Thanks for your review, also
As I already said, I won't be able to upload regularly. I'm kind of painfully slow in posting new chapters, since I rewrite a chapter a dozen times and am still not fully satisfied with it
But yeah. Hope you'll stay with me ^^
MySunshine
Yay, a dream to stumble across this piece. I’ve been absent for a while and in need of something short to review to get myself back in the swing of things. I’ll warn you, my reviewing style can be a little…different but hopefully it’ll be helpful.
This isn’t bad and it’s a decent opening but it feels like the adjectives are all in the wrong place and its in need of more vivid language. Perhaps “His voice penetrated the thick fog swimming in her head. She attempted to shake it out and away, but it only resulted in causing ever part of her body to hurt more.” (Yeah, this is how I review, told ya it was different.”
This isn’t bad but it feels too choppy. Try, “It didn’t matter – it felt like an eternity of pain and agony without the ability to fight or defend. And she couldn’t bring herself to call for help knowing that nobody would hear her.”
“But he was talking to that monster, discussing plans for the weekend with him.”
“Again she tried to shake off the drowsiness the drugs had caused only to further chafe the skin of her wrists”
This isn’t too bad really but it gets sort of confusing, trying to keep track of which man is which because we don’t know much about either. Words like “baratone” and “tenor” or “smoothe” and “harsh” would be a good way to distinguish between the two without visual aids.
It would probably look and read better as, “the other, more husky, voice.”
Again, a little variation won’t hurt much. Try, “Don’t bother screaming for help, he had told her the first time she had woken up in this strange room. Hardly anyone comes here. And even if they do, they wouldn’t be able to hear you.”
“Her father was always wanting to know where she was, reminding her of how danerous it was to be out alone at night as a girl.”
“Maybe then, that someone could have stopped her attacker from stealing consciousness away from her and tying her to this bed.” Again, a little spice in the words really helps shake up the description.
“Someone rummaging through a cabinet followed by the same heavily approaching footsteps before appearing in the doorway.”
“He straightened her arm and pricked the bend of her elbow. And almost too suddenly, she could feel herself slip into a drowsy endless blackness.
Overall this was pretty good and the grammar problems were few.
I've also taken pride in giving you your first gold star for this piece (just thought you might like to know =P )
Hi there!! This seemed pretty lonely to me, so I'm here to review your piece of work (: You said you wanted people to focus on your grammar etc, which I can promise you I will - I'm very obsessively nit picky over things like that
haha. All my edits/questions/pointers will be in bold, and I hope this review helps you out!! Here we go... =D
Overall Comments
At this point, I would go through your piece of work with you, commenting on improvements, bits done well, etc, but this is a bit too short for that. Also, this is a Prologue, so the length of a Prologue (I always think) is a little better shorter. Anyway, what I'm trying to get at is apart from a couple of times when you were slightly vague on the details (which I pointed out) and a few grammatical errors, there really are no suggestions I can think of to give you, so well done!!
If you have any questions at all regarding this review, please don't hesitate to PM me as I'll be happy to help.
Well done on such a great piece, and keep writing!!
--Lucyy xx