I can fly
But I'm not free
Something is always there
Somebody is always watching me
I can run
But not away
Something draws me back home
To face the start of a brand new day
Who am I kidding
It's not freedom, but imprisonment
They do as they please
Always without my consent
I've learned the truth
I'll never be free
Humans are humans
But maybe that's the key
Yeah, so this is just something I had jotted down after a minor emotional breakdown. (Don't worry, those are normal for me, and I'm fine now.) Anyway, I know it's a little short and could probably be improved even more, but let me know what you think about it as is. Thanks!
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Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,855 Reviews
Loved this.
It's got great flow and the emotion is pretty good.
The only line that interrupts the flow is:
It doesn't seem to go with the rest of the poem at all.
See if you can fix it?
Otherwise this is a great poem - I liked it a lot
Keep writing,
Alzora
Aw, of course they're normal for you! You're 15-years-old. You're allowed to have minor collapses every once in a while.
We're never completely free, but as long as we are harnessed to what is right and what is love finally, we will find more freedom than we ever thought possible.
Now, as far as your poem goes... I think you use a lot of imagery here that you expect us to perceive in a certain way when really, that isn't necessarily the case. For example, your metaphor that somebody watching over you... some people would find that something really, really comfortable because those people believe they are suffering alone and that nobody cares about them. To them, the very fact that somebody would care enough to watch would be something that they would die for, if only they could have that. So, when you said that here, I didn't get it the first time. Now, if everybody was watching, then I am sure that you would have a lot more people who would be nervous. So, you need to be more careful about the images that you use and make sure that you use words that are very specific and recall an image that you want your readers to think of.
Also... I heard a neat quote. "Freedom is moving easy in harness." Maybe that will help you out?
Good luck! ^^;;
Great poem; it was very enjoyable to read. I particularly enjoyed the last stanza. Alot of the poems I have been reading have last stanzas that divert to much from the rest of the poem in order to be clever--yours summed up the poem perfectly and it was very.
(yay for writing)
I don't think the fact that it is short is much of a problem, and the quick pace is appropriate for the emotion you are trying to convey. I think you poem would benifit most from the addition of tangible imagery of figurative language of some sort. I don't know if you've ever studied metaphisical poetry, but conciets always seem to allow for good, consistent imagery.
Also, their is a sort of duality in this poem (freedom vrs. imprisonment). You could really emphasize this if you tweaked the structure a little. I suppose its just an idea you could play around with a little. For example, you could have two "not free" stanzas, a tranisition stanza, and then two "imprisoned" stanzas. A more distinct structure would really help display your ideas with much more clarity, and consequentially more power.
Keep up the good work!
Hello.
I've got only two nitpicks for you:
- o.o I think the contradiction there is interesting. Anyway, this beginning feels quick. I don't know if it's a bad thing though.
- There should be a question mark at the end.
Well, like you said, this poem still needs some more improvement. I don't 'completely' like it. I mean, I like the first two verses. I think they're well done.
I didn't have trouble with this poem being short until I read this last verse. The poem could've been longer (like you said). Also, the poem needs punctuation. Well, there's always room for improvement.
Never stop writing!