(This is a poem I wrote about my bf)
I Love The Way He Smiles.
I love the way he smiles,
The way it lights up his whole face.
His smile doesn’t meet his eyes,
But whose could in such a place?
I love the way he smiles,
The way It takes all my worries away.
But his smile is a mere reminder
of the things I cannot face.
His smile is something new,
Something no one else has known.
Something he has given me,
Like a dark forgotten home.
I love the way he smiles,
even if it’s at the wrong times.
Like when he is muttering nonsense to the air,
Talking about crossing all the lines.
His smile is like a safe house,
lets me momentarily forget
The things that are bound to happen in the future,
Including life and death.
But no matter what we do,
And no matter what they say,
I will always love the way he smiles.
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Canary word: Present
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When I first started reading this poem, I figured it was one of those regular, sappy poems, up until I reached these lines:
And then along came these lines, which just cemented the sense of wrongness in my mind:
By the time I reached the end, I was very disturbed. I don't know if that was your intention, but I really must thank you for the experience. Intentional or not, this is the first poem in a long while that elicited a serious emotional response from me, and it also gave me inspiration for a poem of my own.
And of course my touchpad decided to click the Submit button instead of letting me scroll back up.
As I was going to say, reaction aside, this poem really wasn't anything spectacular structure-wise. Some lines end in unnecessary punctuation, other lines don't have punctuation, contractions like "let's" don't have their apostrophes... Grammar issues aside, the language was also very simplistic, and if it weren't for those lines I quoted creating a cumulative effect of wrongness in this piece, this poem would have been rather bland and trite.
Basically, this poem needs polishing because right now, even though it elicited a reaction from me, I don't know if that was the poem's intention, and this ambiguity is not good.
I like this! It is so sweet and touching and it makes me smile. It is good to have someone in your life who can make you feel that way just by a smile.
Good Job! keep writing