Just One More Kill/ Chapter 1

This is Nikayla here for a review!

This was an interesting start for a first chapter. I had a couple of things that I was wondering about before I delved farther into the work. One of those things was the title of the novel--is that it? "Just One More", makes me think, "Just one more what?" and in the case of what it is, I think I know what it happens to be. Since the character reveals their self to be a serial killer at the end of the chapter, I'm assuming that's what the title is pointing to. Another thing I was wondering about, is if this Persephone is the one of Greek mythology, or do they just happen to share a name? I think it would be interesting either way in this case, though even more for the former.

Jumping right into the piece, it's a short chapter. Something that I would have liked is for the chapter to be more active in its scenes because there's a lot of inner monologue from the main character and not much else in this chapter. There's also not a whole lot that I would consider to need a rating of 16+ so far but it may become that way in the future or later on. The piece tends to summarize over the actual scenes where the main character got arrested and everything of that sort.

I think the chapter would overall be stronger if you stuck to the "Show don't tell" rule in the sense that you show what's going on with scenes rather than summarizing it the whole time. The lines are ones that are brief and for the two paragraphs there are, we're in the mind of the main character for the most part, who hasn't shown us a lot of personality yet, but I'm sure they will in the future. The ending is probably the most interesting part of the piece though it is a little abrupt. I think that if you could show Persephone being arrested or trying to run from the police instead of them just talking about it, it would make for a more vivid scene and chapter in general.

I hope I helped and have a great day!

Hey, Aleta here for a fairly short review/commentary.

: After Reading :
The imagery is strong here. I can imagine the cold night and the rustling leaves. Nice job on that part. I am wondering if there is something wrong mentally with them because someone is usually not just a serial killer for the reason of just because. I like the introduction to the character having some sort of underlying anger issues which I could predict may be why they kill people.

: Mistakes :
I knew this quiet night wouldn't last very long because I knew they were coming for me.
You say 'I knew' twice in the same sentence, and it is a bit repetitive. You could just leave it at, 'they were coming for me', or 'they were after me'. Something like that.

They have been chasing me around this country.
'This' in the sentence is kind of unnecessary and makes the sentence sound a bit awkward. However, this is only a suggestion and you do not have to take my words to change it.

I hear the ear piercing noises of the sirens of the police cars.
You seem to just be kind of going through the motions here. You also mention in the previous sentence that the character hears them. I think you should take out the 'I hear' completely and then add onto the sentence as such: The ear piercing wails/sirens of the police car soon approached.

Loud noises give a pain to my ears.
This is just kind of thrown into the story. I think you should try to make this sentence bend in a bit more, or just change up the words a bit. 'Loud noises were a pain to my ears.'

It was the perfect night; at least not for long.
These two sentences are nothing alike so I don't understand exactly why you put a semicolon here. Maybe you could add more to the second part? 'It was the perfect night; but it would not last long.'

: Ending :
I like what you did here. The last sentence draws back the reader to wait for the next chapter. Overall, this piece is very interesting and short.