z

Young Writers Society


12+

Unbelievable night

by MustLoveVampireCats


It was the 30th October- the day before Halloween. Outside was a dark and stormy night. Lightnings were lightning up the black sky, while thunderbolts were echoing through the empty and abandoned town. Inside the house the lights were blinking uncontrollably. That's why they were turned off.

I was lying on the couch with my laptop. Dressed in my red and black pajamas, eating Chinese food and watching scary videos and movies to get the Halloween mood.

I got up to get some Lemon soda from the fridge, on my way back to the couch I locked the front door. I got back, got comfy on the couch and tucked myself with my soft and fluffy blanket. After eating and drinking the can of Lemon soda, I continued watching PewDiePie playing The Grudge. I started to get sleepy.

After 15 minutes, the train to dreamland took me away. I had a dream about having a Halloween party with friends,which I was invited to, the next day. But that dream was interrupted.

I heard a loud noise coming from the bathroom. I looked at the computer to see the time- it was 3:33 am, 31st October- Halloween. There was still a thunderstorm outside. I got my phone, turned on my camera flash to use it as a flashlight, and went to see what the noise was. I turned on the light and opened the bathroom door. The first thing that I saw was that the mirror was broken, shattered as is someone had shot it with a gun. Broken to salt, my mind said to me to leave it for the morning. I turned back, went out of the bathroom, closed the door behind be and turned off the light.

After waking up completely, I decided to put the food in the fridge, to avoid spoiling it. When I got to the couch, the laptop was lit. There was an opened text document that was titled "WARNING!" and inside the file it was written "run far away and save yourself!". The only thoughts in my mind were that my friends were playing tricks on me,so I shut down the computer.

The exact moment the fans stopped and the laptop became silent, something happened in the kitchen. The sound of falling knives on the ceramic floor resonated through the deafening silence in the house.

Feeling creeped out, I headed towards the kitchen. Turning on the lights I saw my cutting knife on the floor covered in red liquid-it was blood. So was the the cutting board.

My heart started to race. I went to the cutting board to take a closer look at it. I felt presence in the room. My peripheral vision caught a reflection on the metal wall. It was of a ghost, a phantom. After looking at it for a few seconds I recognized her-it was Bloody Mary's ghost.

The first thing that came to my mind was the game that is played on this day. You turn off the lights in the bathroom, get it and close the door. Saying “Bloody Mary” three times should summon her and you are supposed to see her in the mirror.

After remembering the game, I visually examined the ghost. Mary looked the same as people describe her in the myths and legends. She was pale as the cleanest and whitest snow during the winter, but paler. Under her big angry eyes,there were bloody tears. She was dressed in in a white dress,or at least it had been white. It was covered in blood, probably from her victims. In Mary's hand there was a lit candle.

The girl left her candle on the table it the center of the room. Scared to death, I dropped the food on the floor.

The more I blinked, the more her reflection was getting bigger and closer to me. At a moment I felt something on my shoulder. It was a hand. Mary's hand-cold and covered in blood.

My heart was going to explode, I couldn't breathe. My thoughts were “This is it. I'm going to die.”. Everything was silent...I couldn't see. Liquid was trickling down my face. In my mouth I tasted blood. But still, nothing could be heard, except the thunder from the storm. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't scream.

In a split second everything ended- I didn't taste blood, I didn't feel pain, I didn't feel anything. I just saw my lifeless body falling, tumbling down over the bloody knife on the floor, covered in dark red blood.


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Mon Nov 25, 2013 5:53 am
Tennantsayswhat wrote a review...



Wow, this is really good, especially for someone who's native language as something other than English. I agree with the previous reviewer in that the weather at the beginning is a little cliche in this type of story, but the actual writing, especially at the end was amazing.

The only thing I would recommend is varying your sentence structure a little more because the lines "Turning on the lights I saw my cutting knife on the floor covered in red liquid-it was blood.", "My peripheral vision caught a reflection on the metal wall. It was of a ghost, a phantom. After looking at it for a few seconds I recognized her-it was Bloody Mary's ghost." and "At a moment I felt something on my shoulder. It was a hand." are a little bit too similar.

Overall, good job. It got the point across and had a clear plot to it.



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Thank you :).



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Mon Nov 25, 2013 2:38 am
Shalie wrote a review...



Hi! I am here to review for the Epic Ice Cream Warriors of Pluto!

For such a simple story this sent chills up my spine. Anyways, for someone who's English isn't their first language, you did a wonderful job. I have one question. What do you mean by broken to salt? Is that what's left of the mirror?

Second of all, try not to open up the story with a stormy night. I understand that it is to set the mood, however using weather in a beginning of the story is over done. I personally thought you did a wonderful job setting the mood by explaining the mirror and the instant message "you" got from the lap top. However I am curious about the message got. Did Bloody Marry give "you" a warning or was it the friend, and if it was the friend how they know Bloody Marry was in the house?

All in all, it was a very good story, and the ending surprised me. At first I thought there was a killer, or it was haunting, then I though with the laptop message it was one those chain letters people send to scare others. I was not expecting for Bloody Marry to appear. (Probably because in the stories I read Bloody Mary appears in the bathroom) Good job keeping that original. I loved this story and I am literately (and yes I am using this correctly) still shaking from reading your short, that is how good your story was.

Keep writing,
Shalie



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Thank you for the review. Yes, the , mirror (the mirror glass) is broken to pieces, the size of salt. :)



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Sun Nov 24, 2013 12:29 pm
Storybraniac wrote a review...



Hi there Here to review for the Apple dumpling gang! Yes, that really is our name

1. "My heart was going to explode, I couldn't breathe. My thoughts were “This is it. I'm going to die.”. Everything was silent...I couldn't see. Liquid was trickling down my face. In my mouth I tasted blood. But still, nothing could be heard, except the thunder from the storm. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't scream.

In a split second everything ended- I didn't taste blood, I didn't feel pain, I didn't feel anything. I just saw my lifeless body falling, tumbling down over the bloody knife on the floor, covered in dark red blood." - These last two paragraphs of your writing are absolutely amazing! I love the stop start style you've used, I love the imagery and I'm very impressed if English really isn't your native language.

2. Everything above the last two paragraphs needs a bit of work. You use 'I' far too often. I often tell people that they need to 'show' and not 'tell' every single thing that is happening. All you need to do here, is set up the tension and suspense with the flashes of lightening and the scary movie on in the background. Everything else, you can leave to our imaginations! We will think of all sorts I promise

Good luck! keep GOING! And I look forward to reading some more of your stuff soon…and congratulations on your first story! The only way is up from here!

Storybraniac



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Thank you :).



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Sun Nov 24, 2013 10:04 am
anshira wrote a review...



Hi, mustlovevampirecats. Firstly, I loved your story. The ghostly aura you created was marvellous. The descriptions you've given for the ghost was also very good. The reference to a legend there also helped create the ghastly environment. This paragraph was definitely my favourite:

"My heart was going to explode, I couldn't breathe. My thoughts were “This is it. I'm going to die.”. Everything was silent...I couldn't see. Liquid was trickling down my face. In my mouth I tasted blood. But still, nothing could be heard, except the thunder from the storm. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't scream."

The thing I loved here was the suspence- I really couldn't infer what was going to happen next.
Anyway, a good job done and hope to read more of your work.

- Anshira; Apple dumpling gang



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Thank you :).



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Sun Nov 24, 2013 3:55 am
FireFox wrote a review...



Hi, MustLoveVampireCats! FireFox here to review your piece for the Apple Dumpling Gang! (Yes, that is our name!) Here we go!

Needs Improvement:
1. Grammar/Spelling. I won't nitpick, as I know others will, but I will give you a few examples:

"I had a dream about having a Halloween party with friends,which I was invited to, the next day."

In regards to your grammar, here is one of your sentences with some grammar issues. There are far too many commas involved in this sentence. Rule of thumb is to include a comma wherever you want your reader to take a very short pause and then continue reading. The correct way to write this sentence would be: "I had a dream about having a Halloween party with friends, which I was invited to the next day."

See, easily fixed. :) Anyway, as far as grammar/spelling goes, save that for your very final draft. When you are doing your final draft is when you need to assure that your spelling and grammar are damn near flawless!

2. Personally, I feel that this scene is a little... overdone. And perhaps a little cliched as well. I like the concept. I love horror, psychological thrillers, and even gore, but this is just something that we've all seen done before. Granted, done in different ways, but it's still been done countless times before. Try to elaborate on this piece and make it more original! Also, to me, the Bloody Mary thing really isn't all that intriguing. Now, if it were more realistic, like if the MC's home was being broken into on Halloween night, now that would make for a great plot.

3. I'm sure you've heard this before, but show rather than tell. You used a lot of "I" sentences and a lot of sentences where you simply told us what was going on rather than getting descriptive. And oftentimes, we - the readers - don't need to be told every little thing that is happening. We have imaginations - that's why we are readers! We can infer a little bit! Have some faith in your intelligent readers!

All in all, I like the idea of this piece, but you could have done so much more with it! Of course, it's never too late to improve on a piece! You could really fix this up and make it even more interesting and horrific! I enjoyed the bit about the writing on the word processor on the computer. That was rather clever.

Keep up the clever ideas and let me know if you ever need any reviews!

-FireFox



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Thank you for the grammar/spelling improvement and for the review :).



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Sun Nov 24, 2013 12:18 am
OliveDreams wrote a review...



Hi there :) Here to review for the Epic Ice Cream Warriors of Pluto! Yes, that really is our name :)

1. "My heart was going to explode, I couldn't breathe. My thoughts were “This is it. I'm going to die.”. Everything was silent...I couldn't see. Liquid was trickling down my face. In my mouth I tasted blood. But still, nothing could be heard, except the thunder from the storm. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't scream.

In a split second everything ended- I didn't taste blood, I didn't feel pain, I didn't feel anything. I just saw my lifeless body falling, tumbling down over the bloody knife on the floor, covered in dark red blood." - These last two paragraphs of your writing are absolutely amazing! I love the stop start style you've used, I love the imagery and I'm very impressed if English really isn't your native language.

2. Everything above the last two paragraphs needs a bit of work. You use 'I' far too often. I often tell people that they need to 'show' and not 'tell' every single thing that is happening. All you need to do here, is set up the tension and suspense with the flashes of lightening and the scary movie on in the background. Everything else, you can leave to our imaginations! We will think of all sorts I promise :)

Good luck! keep GOING! And I look forward to reading some more of your stuff soon…and congratulations on your first story! The only way is up from here! :D
Olive <3



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Thank you for the review and critics :).




An existential crisis a day keeps the writer's block away <3
— LadyBug