Blade of Grass
Please, sir, can you help me?
For I'm just a blade of grass.
I know I'm a bit small,
just look at me through your glass.
You see, it's a bit hard
to live a life such as mine,
sitting out here all day,
through the rain or the sunshine.
I am often stepped on,
trampled, hurt, and forgotten.
At times people treat me
like I am something rotten.
So please, I beg of you,
just give me a second chance.
Before you step on me,
give me just a parting glance.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(for Jon's random make-YWSers-do-poetry-thing)
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hiya Moosic!
I second Jon's opinion. That line is too long, and seems to slow the flow. Not good!
You can get rid of the second "the".
I think you can add "please" to the beginning of this line, instead of "give" try replacing it with the word "cast", and get rid of the word "just". So it would look like this;
please cast me a parting glance.
Over-all
A cute and funny poem! I loved the rhythmic tone you used- it almost felt like a children's song! Gold star
~April
Hey Music. ^^ Evi here. jon's going a bit whacko with his prompts, don't you think? xD
Try reading your poem aloud. You'll figure out where thinga are too long or too short, and it's definately not hard or drastic to reword some lines to give them the right cyllable count. PM me if you need help with that.
I do agree with Jon here that your main issue is rhythm. When you have a quirky little rhyming poem like this, it's really important for everythin to match up syllable-wise. It's really easy to work out rhythm issues, though!
Besides rhythm, I actually did enjoy this. ^^ It's a wonderful, quirky kind of poem, using personification to make this blade of grass come alive. I do think that you need some imagery and descriptive language here, though. I think it would be even more interesting to tie in the other baldes of grass around your narrator-- their 'brothers and sisters', so to speak. Is this narrator blade fed up with being stepped on? If so, show frustration. Are they to the point of begging, groveling, doing anything to get people to stop stepping on them? If so, show some of that desperation. You have to go either all the way or none at all with this characterization. If you're somewhere in the middle, we won't have that oomph and the poem will just be another silly off-rhyming thing. We don't want that, do we?
Hope this was helpful. Draw this out some more. Show us another side of the blade's personaility and lifestyle. What happens to grass besides being stepped on? Sprinklers! Bugs! Stuff like that.
~Evi
Hi Music! Jon here!
This line is too long for the other ones and halts the flo a little, Instead of this, say, "Just look through your glass." I would also like to see a stanza above this about its tiny voice. Also how she/her gets the man's attention.
Once again, you made this too long. Cut out the "The" before "Sunshine" and it'll be fixed.
Yet again. XD
Shorten this last line a bit. Say something like, "Just give me one quick glance."
Overall: I thought this poem was *cute*. This goes to show that not all poetry has to be serious and strong! This poem made me smile. I think more could be added to it, yes.
So, just try to add more. Also, I would like to see more imagery in this peice. Use Hyperbole, too! This is a perfect poem to use it in!
---Jon---