The girl with the frozen eyes

I really love all of the description words you use in this story. I want to hear more but I don't exactly know what's happening in this story. However, if you continue this story and give a few more details then you may attract even more readers.

Keep you vivid voice. It really gives life into this piece.

~NympheaLily

Greetings Music Lover! Holographic Ladybug here for a review!


First of all, I like your description. It's nice and kind of sweet, which brings life into this. That's what you need in a story: life. Fortunately, that's what you have.


Second of all, I find that most of your sentences are the same length. When writing, you usually use a mix of sentence length. Your story is mostly composed of small sentences and some medium ones, which isn't much variety. They also go on for long periods of medium and small. Again, no variety. You could probably combine some sentences or create new ones by adding detail or rewriting parts of it.
For example:
'I hear someone's breathing. Short and hurried.'
This could be changed to look like this: 'I hear someone's breathing: short and hurried.' (Or something like that)


You also sometimes don't use commas when you need to. That messes up the flow and leaves the reader confused.
Here is what I mean:
'It fills my lungs and, man, is it the best smell in the entire world.' [I'm not sure if there should be a comma after 'and', but that is what I'm going with.]

'The moon is a golden coin with the picture of a man on it.'
[I actually don't think that there should be a comma after coin.]

'Someone is watching and they can see me, but I can't see them.'
[I'll get onto more about this one in a moment...]

'I can't move, not because of fear, but because those eyes won't allow me to move.'

'Slowly but surly, I start feeling fuzzy and the edges of my vision begin to blur.'


There are also some things that don't look quite right. Whether it be fluency or something about punctuation, there is something a tad off:
'The sky is like a black table top that someone spilled sugar on. The moon is a golden coin, with the picture of a man on it.'
I recommend that both sentences combine to look like this:
'The sky is like a black table top that someone spilled sugar on and the moon is a golden coin with the picture of a man on it.'

'The moon is a golden coin with the picture of a man on it.'
Are you making a reference to the Man on the Moon? If you aren't you should remove the man part.

'It's chilly, just cold enough so that I can see my breath.'
It feels like 'so that I can see my breath' sounds a bit awkward. 'To see my breath' could work. It's up to you, though.

'I get the urge to run. The trees are flying by me. A rock catches my foot, spraining my ankle.'
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Slow down a minute. Since when where you running? I got a bit confused here and needed to reread it a little. You can't make your reader reread something because it gets them a bit distracted from your story. You need to mention that you're running. Saying that you get the urge to run doesn't indicate that you are running; it makes the indication that you feel like running. They are not the same things.
About, the rock. How do you know that the person sprained their ankle? If you sprain your ankle, you don't always know that you sprained it. This is also one of those places where you could need some description. If you want to make it see like you hurt your foot or your ankle or your leg or something like that, explain why you think so. Was there swelling? Did you suddenly get a fuzzy feeling crawling up your leg? Was there some sort of blinding pain that erupted through your leg?
This part is also where things seem to be getting a bit fast. You should probably slow down a moment. What is the area like? How is your character feeling? What are they thinking? Why are they in the woods in the first place?

'But curiosity is crashing into me in waves. It vanishes the second I see the pair of glowing blue eyes.'
I don't think that curiosity is really the right word to be used here. You've just described that your character is afraid, right? Curiosity is one of the last things I'd picture them feeling at that moment. When I picture curiosity, I see toddlers looking for beetles in the grass, archeologists digging for something ancient (that's a bit redundant, I know), kids looking for buried treasure, etc. You could use something (instead of curiosity) that is more intense. Or you could make your character think something. It's up to you.

'Slowly but surly, I start feeling fuzzy and the edges of my vision begin to blur. My world slowly fades to black.'
This looks a bit wrong the way it is. To me, it just doesn't look right. It could look a bit like this:
'Slowly but surly, I start feeling fuzzy, the edges of my vision begin to blur and my world slowly fades to black.'
That might not look quite right either. You could reword this, I guess.

Finally, I feel like you didn't describe the thing that was chasing her well enough. Where did it come from? Was it chasing her? How was it doing that? Via a trail? Via the branches? What did it look like apart from the blue eyes? Was it some creepy, shadowy figure?
Also, what was she doing in the forest anyway? I guess this could be some sort of mysteriousness that you, as the author, are trying to contain. But I kind of feel like I can't connect or get to know your character at all. I don't really know what she's thinking and I barely know what she's feeling.


I hope I haven't been sounding too harsh, even if I feel a bit like I have.
If you have any questions, let me know.
Have a great Holiday!
~Holographic Ladybug
(Fades away....)

I have to say that you are are very well on your way to writing your own book. I don't know if the is the beginning of your story, but it would be a good one. You hook is perfect. I don't know a single person that doesn't know the smell of pine. Directly addressing something that just about every reader would be familiar with is a good way to start drawing them into the story.

The way that you have described the the environment is great, so vivid. I can really see the picture that you have painted with these words and it very well rounded. The flow of your story is very even and isn't too choppy, which is one of the first problems that beginning writers have.

I am going to suggest something to you simply in the interest of trying to help you strengthen your writing. My only suggestion to you is to spend a little more time describing the main characters emotions within the story. With the reader having only the main character view point to go off of to understand the world you have created, emphasis on emotion and feelings is key for first person perspective. You did a great job on them as it is, but just fill them out a little more.

For instance, the passage, "Someone is watching and then can see me but I can't see them.", could use a little more details on the main character anxiety or fear of the situation. Adding that they could feel their heart pumping would be a good way to draw the reader into the feeling of danger that the main character feels.

Other than that I would have to say that your story if very strong both in concept and grammar.

Happy Writing!

This is awesome! I love what you can do with detail, and with no dialogue! (Yes, this can sometimes be a good thing!) You could definitely write a book! It also hooks you onto the story, leaving you to wonder what will happen next! I can feel the feelings as the story goes by, I feel the curiosity, the fright, the urge to run! There is one spelling error, though, and that is when you put 'slowly but surly' when it should be 'slowly but surely' This makes me wonder where the frozen eyes came from, and why does the MC recognize them and lose the curiosity. And I will say all again,
This is awesome! I love what you can do with detail, and with no dialogue! (Yes, this can sometimes be a good thing!) You could definitely write a book! It also hooks you onto the story, leaving you to wonder what will happen next! I can feel the feelings as the story goes by, I feel the curiosity, the fright, the urge to run! There is one spelling error, though, and that is when you put 'slowly but surly' when it should be 'slowly but surely' This makes me wonder where the frozen eyes came from, and why does the MC recognize them and lose the curiosity.