Dawn

This was full of beautiful imagery! As I was reading, I thought of life: with the dawn of the day, there is the anointing of a new life. Just born into the world, the little life must get used to moving and then when you say "pollen dusted sun" I think of dusk; the end of a life. An ancient soul must symbolize a person ready to die and soar to the setting sun. There are so many ways one could look at this poem.

I have to agree with LadyBird regarding the need for emotion. I feel engaged in the cycle of life through your poem, but I don't feel the emotional engagement.

I really liked it, overall. Keep writing!

Hey there.

I honestly thought you were going to go into a religious poem, based upon the stacked imagery and word choice going on here. It started for me with the first two lines because "anointment" is a word with heavy religious thought attached to it. And light touching upon the head is also a common imagery choice that will be seen in religious poems. So after reading, I know that isn't what you were going for (most likely) but that's just a word choice thing to think about.

Moving the commentary to more technical things, two things that are coming out to me are capitalization and the lack of stanzas. I stress the issue of capitalization for most poems that I come across these days and I think for the form of this poem, it's probably best to cut down on how many lines start with caps. I don't like the feel of it and like many other things, it's adding in the issue of hurting with the flow.

Splitting this up to move towards the stanza model will be a pretty easy thing to do and is one of my number one recommendations for a poem like this. You're definitely going for a specific feel and everything is just sort of thrown together. Stanzas help to create both the idea of a better presentation and make it easier for the reader to make their way through the poem.

The concept of the poem was also pretty nice but I just don't feel that much going on with the execution? That's a lot of what's going on with the original presentation. i see that you were going for like a scientific breakdown with the imagery but I would recommend thinking more about putting forth the emotion, rather than the imagery focus.

Happy revmo.
- lizz

wow, for me this poem had a weird erotic edge to it that i don'tthink you meant at all.

maybe it's just because i am extremely tired and aggravated.

good imagery though, i quite liked it.

Change "you" to "I" and maybe give it more of a rhythm. But otherwise this was great. Strong, vivid images, and NOT teen angst. I like it.

This is a good piece. That's all I have to say. Keep writing.