good rhyming.........though i had one inkling. how could people forget the name of Jane when she did such a profane thing.
There once was a woman named Jane, although hardly anyone remembered her name
She once did something so profane, that everybody forgot Janes' name
She was going down Ashford lane, skipping while rejoicing in the rain
There were some kids playing by the tracks, sculpting mud in their hands into stacks
Out in the distance a whistle blew, that's when the folks knew,
That Jane would be to blame, for pushing the kids into the lane, directly into the path of the oncoming train.
good rhyming.........though i had one inkling. how could people forget the name of Jane when she did such a profane thing.
This is really cool. : ) I like the thought you put into it and reminds me of a combo of Tim Burton and Edgar Allen Poe. The meter it is in is definitely Tim Burton Esque. And the creepiness as well. It is short, sweet and to the point. Jane is such an innocent name too. The interesting thing about this poem is the irony in the second line. "She once did something so profane, that everybody forgot Janes' name." Very ironic. Something also interesting is that she might not have done anything profane. You said that she was to blame, but it seems no one really has proof she did anything. This piece sounds like an old warning limerick. I like it a lot. It is very dark as well. I might have a couple of tips or words of advice that you may or may not follow. Which ever you chose. First, it might be a god idea to put a period after these lines:
"There once was a woman named Jane, although hardly anyone remembered her name
She once did something so profane, that everybody forgot Janes' name
She was going down Ashford lane, skipping while rejoicing in the rain
There were some kids playing by the tracks, sculpting mud in their hands into stacks.
It would really create some tension. I really enjoy the line separation though. Also, in the first line it may not be necessary to put "although hardly anyone remembered her name" because you repeat it in the second line.
Very good job. Can't wait to read more. : )
This is really cool. : ) I like the thought you put into it and reminds me of a combo of Tim Burton and Edgar Allen Poe. The meter it is in is definitely Tim Burton Esque. And the creepiness as well. It is short, sweet and to the point. Jane is such an innocent name too. The interesting thing about this poem is the irony in the second line. "She once did something so profane, that everybody forgot Janes' name." Very ironic. Something also interesting is that she might not have done anything profane. You said that she was to blame, but it seems no one really has proof she did anything. This piece sounds like an old warning limerick. I like it a lot. It is very dark as well. I might have a couple of tips or words of advice that you may or may not follow. Which ever you chose. First, it might be a god idea to put a period after these lines:
"There once was a woman named Jane, although hardly anyone remembered her name
She once did something so profane, that everybody forgot Janes' name
She was going down Ashford lane, skipping while rejoicing in the rain
There were some kids playing by the tracks, sculpting mud in their hands into stacks.
It would really create some tension. I really enjoy the line separation though. Also, in the first line it may not be necessary to put "although hardly anyone remembered her name" because you repeat it in the second line.
Very good job. Can't wait to read more. : )
First I like to say awesome poem I like all your sweet rhymes. The only thing that bothered me was the part about no one remembering janes name because she pushed some kids in the way of a train. Yes it's horrible and people should forget such a despicable crime but they wouldn't they would remember and want vengence for those poor children that were playing peacefully in the mud. Anyway good luck to you and your poetry and other written works.
Thanks for the reviews everybody. Normally I'd put much more thought into my writing, but I whipped this up in about 7 minutes just to post a little something on Facebook haha. I'll definitely take all this constructive criticism and use it.
This is a great piece of work. Really smart and witty. I loved it. You should definetly write more.
Wow, Murmurations, I'm surprised!
I personally liked it a lot. I like this kind of style that rhymes a lot. It was entertaining, but I don't think the "forgot Janes' name' part fits in very well.
I mean, I loved it, but a little more info of what's going on would be good.
Keep up the good work
KRose
I'm not much of a structure fan, myself, so don't worry about any critiques on that. I was actually more interested in two specific lines that kind of bugged me. Rubbed me the wrong way, if you will.
There once was a woman named Jane, although hardly anyone remembered her name
She once did something so profane, that everybody forgot Janes' name
Hi Murmurations and welcome to YWS!
This was pretty interesting! I like these kind of poems and stories where the ending is "shocking" and/or unexpected. I also like rhyming poems, so this was quite a treat. 
Have you written any limericks? This was like an expanded limerick, with the structure and the "pattern" especially. Quite an interesting choice, really!
I have some suggestions, though. This would be an even more enjoyable read if the rhythm was more consistent in the lines. For example, the first line
There once was a woman named Jane, although hardly anyone remembered her name
everybody forgot Janes' name
Hey Murmur!
This poem was like more of a story written poem. :S And the lines are like hugely big which doesn't come in professional poems. Also, this poem was really spooky and scary which gave me the creeps (i.e: Like it!) though it must have had more emotion and feeling to it.
Its just so plain. :S Now, starting with the first two lines:
Murmurations wrote:
There once was a woman named Jane, although hardly anyone remembered her name
She once did something so profane, that everybody forgot Janes' name
Murmurations wrote:
She was going down Ashford lane, skipping while rejoicing in the rain
There were some kids playing by the tracks, sculpting mud in their hands into stacks
Now, that sentence was fine, just a little sentence arrangements and a few changes. Murmurations wrote:
Out in the distance a whistle blew, that's when the folks knew,
That Jane would be to blame, for pushing the kids into the lane, directly into the path of the oncoming train.
Yes, I'm sorry. It slipped my mind to put it at 16+
Anyway, thank you very much.
This is a bit sick. Actually really sick.
I think it's interesting that normally, when people do something truly horrible, their names are remembered in infamy, but this Jane's name is completely forgotten.
Even though that's an interesting thought, the vulgarity of this piece overrides any philospophical messages that could be divulged from this.
This should definitely be rated 16+ if it isn't already for being mildly disturbing. Welcome to YWS.
Once you've gotten some help, I wish you grand luck on all your future writing endevours.
Hope this review helps and if you ever have any questions on how the site works or anything else, feel free to PM me.
-tgirly
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