The TipToe Battlefield
When I was 12, my brother threw a lumpy trash bag into my room. I think he mumbled "happy birthday" sarcasticly as he left. It wasn't my birthday.
I got up from daydreaming, the sport I'm best at, and knealed down beside it. I knew that mom was making Mason clean out his closet today. Inside there was a lone sock, clinging to the side for dear life. There was also two pairs of jeans too large for me. They were tangled up by the legs.
I stuck my fingers deeper and comfort serged through me. I moved some clothes around and found I had gotten grasp of a green hoodie.
'Just go back to your whore, you are fatass!" My mother shouted. I cringe as the artillery starts to fly. My mother's english is a little shakey sometimes. She's Korean.
"Better then being here with you!" My father retorts. Then I hear a BAM! He must have punched another hole in the wall. That's three. Then I hear Mason.
'Mom, dad I'm going next door to Matt's." He says hastilly. He revieves a murmmed sound of indifference. Some might call it desertion.I'd give him an honorable discharge.
I hear our front door open.It takes 2 seconds to close if you don't push it shut.
One. Two. Slam. More yelling. Another hole in the wall. One. Two. Slam. Car door. Engine. Leaving. The last is the loudest of them all.
Mom yells more by herself. Then she walks into the kitchen. Opens bottom cabinet. Unscrews the cap. Pouring. More pouring.
All the while I notice my fingers are entangled in the hoodie. I act quick rescuing it. I pull him from his fallen comrads.Saving what no one else will.
I slip it over my shoulders. It's still kind of big. The right sleeve has a hole that Beanie-our dog- probably bit in it.
I zip it up and put the hood above my head. I tip-toe barefoot across the cool wood floor. Each step taken cautiously,the air taste still, the sun ironiclly shines bright. I always walk on my toes, and people always ask why. I think it's because I don't want to be the one to trigger a mine. Has it ever taken a person 5 minutes to move 4 feet?
I lower myself into my twin size, my foxhole. I zip myself up tighter. I have the hoodie because you never leave a man behind.My mouth is dry. I think now I'll sleep. In the other world I go to when I sleep, there is peace. In that world, I walk on flat feet.
I really love your style of writing! The story itself is really good and I found myself sympathizing with your character. I think that the only line that needs fixing is the line-
"The right sleeve has a hole that Beanie-our dog- probably bit in it. "
I think you should fix it to-
"The right sleeve has a hole that Beanie, our dog, probably bit."
Aside from that, the story was really good. I especially love the ending.
Thank you so much for even taking time to read it!
Hiya! I am here to do a quick review for ya. So here it goes.
If there is something I didn't get, or didn't know, tell me. And if you post something else I will be happy to help. Just tell me.
First off, I see you have a few peoblems with paragraphs. It was hard to keep up. The only times you make a paragraph is scene shift or character quote. You used paragraphs like I did a year ago. It seems much better, but it's just wrong *chuckles*.
The plot... Well. I never really got it. I think you should have made a better showing of what is going on. I like it, but it's hard to keep up.
I see a few grammatical flaws(I probably spelled that wrong *sigh*).
Quotation marks are always. You write: 'Hello." It's meant to be: "Hello." Also, when the quote goes; "Chocolate," He said. You can't capitalize the first letter afterwards. You should go like this: "Chocolate," he said.
Except from that you have a few typos and wrong spellings.¨
I don't have too much more to say, as I am not perfect myself.
Bobby. You so stupid!
Thanks for the feedback!