My brother and I had become the best of friends over the course of my thirteen year life. He was seventeen, but the age difference didn’t seem to matter to him.
“Hey, Parker!” I called from downstairs. “Parker, come downstairs! The football game is on!”
“Colts?”
“You bet!” I replied. The Colts were our favorite team. “Hurry down! They’re about to start!”
I heard his feet padding against our carpeted stairs. He hadn’t missed a game this season, and he wasn’t about to break his perfect record.
He ran to the kitchen to grab a bag of chips, and then sat down on the couch. He opened the bag and offered some to me.
“Did I miss anything, sis?”
“Nope,” I said, grabbing a handful of chips and shoving a few in my mouth. “Thanks for grabbing the chips.”
“No problem.”
We watched the other team score a touchdown, but neither of us were discouraged. The Colts could beat those wannabes with their eyes closed and their hands tied behind their back.
“Go, baby, go baby, go baby,” I said as they’d begun to run down the field. “Yes! He scores a touchdown!”
“Yeah!”
Both of us got up and high-fived each other three times. It was like our secret handshake for every time the Colts pulled a touchdown out of the blue.
Suddenly, interrupting our game, our mom walked inside. “Parker, Madison, why are you out here?” She walked over to the TV and turned it off.
“Ah,” we said simultaneously.
“It’s time for homework,” she said, and we groaned. “Now!”
We both walked upstairs and into our bedrooms. At least we had caught the first quarter of the game, which meant our perfect record wasn’t broken, but I was still disappointed.
It was the middle of the school day, which meant lunch. My brother and I went to the same school, because it was a middle school as well as a high school.
I rested my chin in my hands as my friends chattered about this and that. I was still very bummed about the game the day before.
“You haven’t said a word, Madison,” said Janelle, my best friend. “Is there something wrong?”
“I missed the last three quarters of the Colts game yesterday,” I said, sighing. “It sounds stupid, but I’m still really disappointed.”
“Ah, I’m sorry,” Janelle patted my shoulder affectionately. “I know how much seeing every game means to you.”
“Thanks.”
I sat there, picking the pepperoni off of the pizza that my mom had sent me with, and then taking a bite.
“I’m really sorry about you missing the game,” said Janelle, breaking the silence and awkwardness.
“It’s really not that big a deal,” I protested, but they all knew that I was lying. “Um, you don’t believe me, do you?”
Melanie and Miranda, my sibling friends, flashed a crooked smile. They did everything together, even though they weren’t even twins.
“Not a chance,” grinned Melanie.
“No chance at all,” agreed Miranda. “We know you well enough to know when you’re lying to us.”
“I’m not…well, I mean, I may have…never mind,” I said. “I’m just digging my hole deeper, aren’t I?”
“Yup,” nodded Melanie.
“Pretty much,” added Miranda.
I sat there, awkwardly, sheepishly, and chagrined. The bell rung, saving me from more embarrassment.
“Gotta go!”
I got home about three thirty, and for some reason, my brother had told me to go without him. It was two hours before he finally got home.
“Where were you?” I asked curiously.
“Just shut up!” he said, shocking and hurting me all at the same time. “You don’t have to know everything about my life!”
“You…you’ve never told me to shut up before,” I whispered, out of breath from sheer shock. He grunted and kept walking. “You’ve never told me to shut up before.”
The two days after were similar. He got home late and then treated me like dirt. I didn’t like it. I didn’t like it at all.
“Parker, the Colts game is on!” I called from downstairs, flipping on the TV, but I got no answer. “Parker! Parker, where are you?”
“I don’t want to watch it!”
“But, Parker, we have a perfect record!”
“I don’t care!”
That was it. I walked upstairs and knocked on his door, but he didn’t answer, so I walked in. What I found was shocking. Parker was smoking, and it wasn’t any ordinary cigarette. It definitely seemed like weed by the smell of it.
“Wh—what are you doing?”
“Madison, calm down,” he said, grabbing my shoulder as I tried to walk out. “This can all be our little secret, okay?”
“No! It’s not okay! I’m not going to let you do this!” I screamed. “I’m not going to let you ruin your life.”
“I’m not ruining it, Maddie,” he argued. “I’m making it better. Everything feels wonderful now.”
“It won’t in a year or two,” I protested. “Just stop now before it’s too addicting to stop! Please, Parker! Please!”
“No, and if you call the cops, you will wish you hadn’t!”
“Don’t threaten me!” I said, running to the telephone. My fingers touched the buttons, but I couldn’t dial. My hand locked up.
Parker was my brother. He meant the world to me, so I couldn’t have him smoking weed, but I didn’t want to see him going to jail.
“Everything would be better if you just didn’t dial the number.”
But I did it anyway. I told the police everything. I told the police about his threat, and his smoking, and they came to pick him up that night.
“Goodbye, Parker,” I said as they hauled him off. “I’ll see you soon, I hope. I…I really do love you.”
“Yeah right, Madison! Yeah right!” he screamed at me as they walked away. “If you really loved me, you wouldn’t be doing this.”
“No, Parker, I’m doing this because I love you.”
And they took him away, only for him to start up again after they let him go. I know I did the right thing, but he never got over it.
And he never watched a Colts game with me again.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hey!
First off, I would like to say I do not correct grammar. I am awful at it. haha
Secondly, I enjoyed reading the story. You have an excellent plot on your hands and with the current writing skills you possess you have great potential.
I must admit that I disagree with BigBadBear in that you "dive" into the brother and sister's relationship. This is a short story (from what I am inferring) and it isn't necessary to add several themes. There have been successful short stories made that covers a span of ten minutes in that fictional world. You have created an image of this sibling relationship that would entice the reader but you should elaborate on this relationship. You don't need another theme. Maybe you should put more between the brother and sister.
In terms of transitions- I think your story is very black and white in the sense that it goes from 0 to 60 in one paragraph. I would suggest showing and stating that the girl's brother had been changing a little bit even during the colt's game.
The dialogue was really good and believable. It was realistic for the age of the girl (and her friends as well).
One significant tool in writing that will take your story up a notch would be "showing not telling." This would be showing the reader how your protagonist feels through abstraction rather than telling the reader or spoon-feeding the reader.
Example: "He got home late and then treated me like dirt. I didn’t like it. I didn’t like it at all." Instead of telling the reader (twice in succession) that you didn't like it use an abstraction like: "He got home late and then treated me like dirt. Every time he treated me like that I would tremble," or, "...the hairs on my arm rose," or, "...my stomach felt hollow and vacant." This way you show your reader that the girl is thrown off by his behavior rather than telling the reader so.
You do this excellently further down the page. Example: " My fingers touched the buttons, but I couldn’t dial. My hand locked up." You successfully showed the reader the character is doubting whether or not she should call the police. This shows an inner conflict without saying the reader, "Look here! The character is having an inner conflict!"
Oh, in the line: "I sat there, awkwardly, sheepishly, and chagrined." I don't think those three words aren't necessary. They sound rather repetitious and the word: "chagrined" is pretty out of place.
As for the ending, you shouldn't separate the last sentence from the last paragraph. Also you shouldn't italicize it either. The English language works well on it's own and it will work in your favor. I love the ending because it's a necessary cliff hanger. To tell the truth it isn't really a cliff hanger at all. You tell us he gets out and you tell us he doesn't watch a colts game with the character again. I would like the ending more actually if you made more of a cliff hanger. It's just a suggestion though, I am a Hemingway fan after all. hahaha
Over all, like I said before, you have a lot of great skills that show potential. I look forward to reading more of your work soon. Work on it and I would love to read the revised version. If you have any questions or just want to talk about the story in general PM me, I'm always here.
Much Love,
Chris
Hey, Munchkinzzles,
I can relate to this story probably more than any other story on this site. My brother did drugs for four years without anyone in our family knowing, and it tore my family apart. So I know how this character is feeling. If this has happened to you, I'm sorry. It's terrible, but it's also a wonderful time for emotion.
Before I get on my rant of emotion, I'll tell you a few things to begin with. You like to rush. A lot. And I can't critique you much for that because I do the same thing. I love to get to the good parts of my story and skip or rush through the boring parts. Because, seriously, no one wants to write a boring scene, right? Wrong. Well, you might be right, but your mindset should be different. There are three individual scenes in this short passage--three scenes that could be exponentially expanded.
I loved the beginning couple of paragraphs that detailed about her strong relationship with her brother. This is an excellent time to really get nitty gritty with how they treat each other. They clearly are very close siblings. You've done pretty well setting this up, but to make the impact at the end of the third scene so much more powerful, you really need to dive into their relationships. Your charactesr aren't cardboard cutouts. They are real people. They have flesh, spirits and lives. Don't make them flat. If you are close to one of your siblings, use that knowledge to incorperate a real relationship between the two siblings. It will make the emotional impact so much stronger.
I'm not feeling the second scene--at lunch--so much. I'm not getting the full grasp of why it's even included. As far as we know, Parker is still her loving brother. I seriously doubt missing 3/4 of a game will depress her that much. I would save this lunch table scene for a further point down the road.
The last scene is what needs to be the emotional point in the story. It needs to be the punchline to a terribly serious joke. Her brother, her best friend, is doing drugs to make him feel better. You need to get us into the girl's head. How is she feeling about all of these things? Use actual thoughts, actual feelings, actual actions to show us what is going on with her. This is a shocking event, and the shock value needs to hit us hard, as readers.
So far, you have an excellent story in the making. I really hope you continue this. You've left us with a cliffhanger, and I want to read more. You have a fan.
Keep writing.
-Jared