I hope you enjoy!
Prologue: A Life of Misery
“Shut up, Brooklyn!” he said.
“What do you want from me?” she replied. “I’m trying to make this work, Shawn, but it’s so hard when you’re not trying.”
“You think I’m not trying?” he asked, spitting out cuss words.
“I don’t think so,” she began, swallowing her fear, “I know so.”
“That is it, Brooklyn!” he said, shoving her to the ground. “Do you hear me?” He screamed it in her ear.
“I…want…out!” she screamed, in between sobs. “I want out of this relationship! I want out of this house!”
The back of his hand struck her cheek. It was harder than he had ever hit her before. Her sobs grew increasingly loud. She could feel herself losing emotional control.
“You’re a monster, Shawn!” she yelled, struggling to get up before finally gathering all her strength to succeed.
“What did you say?” he asked, grabbing her shoulders and thrusting her into the wall, her left arm hitting it first.
The pain was almost unbearable. It felt fractured, maybe even broken. She dropped to her knees, her back sliding against the wall as she did.
Her hand flew to her injured arm as she sobbed in pain. “Let me go, Shawn,” she said, regaining enough control to speak. “I said I wanted out.”
He grabbed her by the collar of her shirt, and pulled her up. Her feet were barely touching the floor. “Is that really what you want, you trash?”
She squeezed her eyes shut.
No. It’s not true. I’m not trash. He’s a monster, a liar. Don’t believe him.
“I’m not trash,” she said, her voice nearly inaudible.
He snickered. “Not trash?” he mocked. “Is that why your mom kicked you out, then, Brooklyn? Huh?”
“Shut up!”
His face became contorted and angry. “You want me to shut up?” he screamed in her face. “Maybe this will shut you up!”
He curled his hand into a fist and punched her in the eye. She fell to the floor and touched her eye, which was throbbing. She pounded her fists on the ground—the more noise she made, the better.
“Help! Someone help!”
He covered her mouth with his hand.
She bit his finger as hard as she could, got up, and ran. All she had was fifteen dollars and change in her pocket, and the clothes that were on her back. Worry clouded her mind, and she was unsure of whether or not she was going to survive on her own.
But she ran.
And she ran.
And she was never turning back.
Please review!
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,013 Literary Works • 672,845 Reviews
hey,d.f.b. here. i liked this story. it was good. like d.d. said, you don't give us to much, but its a prologue, so yeah. the whole abuse and running away thing. sadly, this type of shit happens a lot everywhere, everyday. and a lot of people don't know how much. its hard to find a good guy. i was just wondering, by the relationship mentioned, did Brooklyn mean a boyfriend-girlfriend thing? or a hes an old friend with issues? or was he just a caretaker, a pimp, a drug dealer, what? the possibilities are endless. also, what city were they in. what her background? i hope you answer these if you add more to it. i liked the idea.-d.f.b. out! keep writing.
Hi- Coral here
So.. this was a good piece.. the introduction to the abusive relationship was very well done.. handled delicately at first, spinning out of control as the man did.
However, I do think that you could have gone more into their problems. What made her finally break? What about the emotional side? You talk about her physical pain as he's attacking her, but what about a mental break? I think that oftentimes when abused partners finally break away from the relationship, they often react violently, all of their helplessness and pain lashing out as a final act. Ugly reality, falling into the tactics of their abuser, but that's human for you I guess.
Anyways.. nice piece-- kind of an anticlimax at the end, as her breaking away from it was the actual climax of the chapter, rather than the abuse, but I'm sure you'll continue from there in the next chapter.
Nice job.
-Coral-
Hello!
This was very intriguing, and very sad. But, I think that I agree with Wariofart....it seems very rushed and it makes the reader have a hard time finding out if they like the main character or not. I think that you should just put this later on in the story as a flashback instead of a prologue, so that way you can have much more character development beforehand and the reader can be more attached to the main character so that it has a bigger impact.
What kind of bugged me about this, also, was that it seemed to be ALL dialogue. Sure, you had some emotions in there at times, but I would have liked to see a little less dialogue and a bit more scene building.
Great job with this though, keep writing!
-Once
Hey there,
This was sad ;[
Haha. i thought I'd just state the obvious there before I start the reply. Okay, I'll start now ^_^
I liked it. I'm not a real fan of realistic stories, so I've been waiting for him to whip out his fangs or his wand, but I know that won't happen XD But for a not fantasy/science fiction/whatever story, I liked it. I noticed at the top it says "Prologue," so I'm guessing there's more to come. If you do write more, be sure to PM me.
There isn't much I can say about the storyline, mostly because you haven't given us a lot of it yet, but it's only the prologue so that's okay.
Sorry if my reply seems disorganized and not very good, but I've been at work all day and I'm tired and half asleep (which I know is a bad time to review stories), but I did the best I could in my current state.
If you have any questions about anything I've said, or you want to tell me when you write more, feel free to PM me~~
Hey, wariofart here for a review. So this piece was decent. It's funny, because I just reviewed something that had the exact same set-up as this. Popular trend?
When you're writing a prolouge, a big thing is to consider "Do I really need this?" Right now, this piece is quick and feels like you're rushing through it so you can start the actual book. It doesn't give us time to absorb everything, or really feel for Brooklyn.
Let's say that you cut out this prolouge, and started just at chapter 1. I'm guess the story is going to be about this girl homeless, from what I've read. So you start with her homeless, or whatever the plot is. Then, you'll make the readers wonder "Why is this girl homeless?" By the time you start telling her backstory, they'll be so invested in the character it will have a much greater emotional impact.
If you really want to keep the prolouge, extend it. The end especially, when she's leaving, feels so rushed. It's like "I'm in a abusive relationship cuz my mom kicked me out, this guy sucks, he punched me, i'm leaving, bye!" If you stretch it out, perhaps over several flashbacks, it would really improve.
It's not that this piece is terrible, it's good. But it could be so much better.
PM me if you need anything else, or more explanation.