I knew from the beginning who you were,
But you still ended up hurting her.
I was never anything but nice,
But your heart stayed a block of ice.
I saw the darkness of tomorrow,
But still she cries in her sorrow.
Have you seen the damage you've done?
Can you see what you've become?
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Why I wrote this poem:
My sister had a friend--a really close friend, who ended up being extraordinarily fake and really hurting my sister. So, I hope that clears up matters for you.
Hiya! I see what you were trying to say in this poem, but it was a tad bit confusing. If you lengthen it and reword it a little, it would be mush better. That said, there's nothing wrong with short poems as long as you get your point across. Keep writing!
--Dreamy
This is brilliant. Fantastic, fantabulous. I loved it.
I wonder where your inspiration came from for this one.
I don't have any nitpicks, seeing how I like practically all of this. Well, nice job and keep it up! Cannot wait to see more, no I can't!
Tata!
-Miss Mizz
Hey!
My favourite thing abou this poem is the shortness which adds to the effect and impact, it's almost as if you haven't got long to tell us but you're using all the time you have to make sure we know it -- and that's brilliant. My favourite thing about this poem has got to be your superb ending:
This is really involving for the reader and draws them into your narration, one thing's for sure, you go out with a bang. So brilliant!
Keep it up!
Ben.
Given me something to think about. I'll keep looking at it and seeing if I can make it better.
I don't feel like this is a poem. I feel like this is a diary rant, something some one would write about heartbreak in solitude. For it to be more of a poem, I think you need to make it longer, and add more feelings and poetic phrases.
I do think you have some basis for a great poem going here. Keep it up!
Classy
Hi, Munchkinizzle,
June
I believe this is a good place to start a poem, but there are things I don't really like about this. To begin, the narrative of it became boring -- I don't really like the blaming language in poetry, and using "you" outwardly like this pretty much implies heavy blame on the other party, and with little elaboration on the issue at hand, it feels out of place.
I'd get rid of the questions at the end, and close the poem in a better way, because it's open -ended, feels incomplete and I think you should fill it in, dear.
Hello! I'll be honest, I like this poem because it's short. I have a short attention span at times.
I like the format you have used, and your rhyming isn't too bad, although the second stanza sounds a little forced. I think what this poem needs is something more - who is this person, what did he or she do? Why do you describe their heart to be like ice? I can sort of relate to this, but I think it would help the reader to empathise with you more if you elaborate a little. It doesn't have to be anything very revealing, just a little more to help us understand. It seems very slightly empty right now. However, I particularly like the last stanza - it sounds good, and finishes the poem off nicely. Keep writing. 