Wait, did I seriously just do a smiley?! WOW! I'm turning into Kandee Sara Carson from school. HA! What I dislike about this piece is the clichéd consistency of it, and its inability to convey any sort of emotional impact into the reader. This is because it's so blatant, the structure at odds with the theme of this piece, and your telling the audience what they expect. You need to bring something new into this so that we really get to see your character, be your character.
First off is the structure. When I imagine someone depressed, I imagine them almost lifeless, their thoughts staccato, concise. Like they have to heave the emotion from their mind and present it to you. And here:
I'm way too emo.
'I'm way too emo' - first of all, let us target the actual statement. It's dismissive, casual, and I doubt any depressed person would actually think this. What makes it worse is that you've put emphasis on the statement - 'way'- which enforces the the notion that the narrator is just a pre-adolescent, not someone to be taken seriously. 'Emo' is a stereotype, 'emo' is a style, 'emo' is a genre of music. I find it hard to take this piece seriously when you mention 'emo'. Almost as if he wants to be emo. And if the latter statement is true, then the message I think you are trying to convey to the audience is shattered.
That probably has nothing to do with me being emo, however, I am pretty random, so it makes some sense.
Awkward structure and lack of realism is apparent here, too. You need to get a real image of what you want us to feel. When I read the paragraph that the sentence quoted above belongs to, I imagined a boy laying on his stomach on his bed, with crossed ankles, humming happily.
'I am pretty random' - what does that have to do with depression? I get the idea that you want to show the audience his sadness, and then you bring in his musings. This inconsistency doesn't work because it makes the structure off balance and this piece awkward to read. He sounds happy - is that what you want?
My only joy comes from slitting my wrists (I know, perverted)
Again, here is more lack of realism. Just to let you know of something, people who slit their wrists and our genuine about it (unlike posers who did it because of self-pity) do it because it's a release. They don't enjoy it. It's almost like a drug to them. It's an addiction, it's a compulsion, it's something that they want to stop but can't. The line quoted above makes me doubtful of the narrator, because he sounds exactly like the ingenuine type of emos who cut because they just want to be emo. And through that theory, the message of this piece is then lost.
I feel a bit neutral towards this piece. The structure, though it is consistent, is inconsistent with the emotions I think you are trying to make the audience feel. When something is supposed to upset, use staccato. When someone is happy and bubbly and on cloud nine, use longer sentences with lots of commas. It gives a rambling effect.
I think you need to work on your realism. You write this as if it is coming from you and not someone who is depressed. It appears you want to show the audience sadness, and then a paragraph will come in and contradict it, and then another paragraph will then proceed to contradict the previous one. Keep consistency. Get an emotion clear in your head and work from there.
Points: 2598
Reviews: 5
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