The Little Jewel
So you thought I was in love with you
I don’t know what to say
You knew I’d be here waiting
I must say you’re out of place
There’s nothing left to wish for
I waited my youth away
Crying at your door
While you went out to play
My love grew wings
As you bestowed me with your gaze
My heart screamed
Knowing you wouldn’t stay
Nothing mattered including me
You had your reasons and your ways
You’re thinking you live in my dreams
I’m thinking the jewel left the safe
There’s no sweet return
To bitter give and chase
What little held me there
Will not un-break the cage
I won’t lie
I was captive to your stares
But I was blind
Life is more than how I cared
Pay no heed to the little jewel
Left in the safe to collect dust
You’ll never see that little girl
I see you trying to no luck
With a little care and warmth
The little jewel would’ve shined
Now my world has no heart
To ignite those lonely eyes
Don’t pine for new starts
There’s nothing to share
Don’t look for my heart
You’ll never go there
It’s hidden safely from view
And won’t shine softly off guard
Once wishing to be your moon
We’ve drifted galaxies apart
To rescue the past
Melt the wall of ice
To hold in your hand
The little jewel you sliced
Is like a thief out to steal
What belongs to no one
Protection’s all I feel
The gates will never open
You stand here in the rain
With that look in your eyes
I must say you’re out of place
I will never cry
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Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,801 Reviews
Hello and Happy Review Day!!!
First of al let me say I really enjoyed your poem!!! There was a couple of grammer issues like for instance.
"It's hidden safely from view"
I think it should be for intense.
"It's safely hidden away from view"
Other then that I thought your story was really well wriiten. I also liked how I could just imagine your story. I really do think you should keep writing more poems!!! I really liked your theme of Romance!!!
Keep on writing!!!
~Rose
Hi there Mudthicket! Niteowl here to review this poem for Team Blue Moon this fine Review Day!
First off, I have to agree with myjaspercat in that a lot of poems have been written about unrequited love, so it's hard to make one stand out. I also have to agree that the complete lack of stanzas and punctuation isn't doing you any favors. Unfortunately, the YWS publishing center is notoriously bad at doing line breaks. Check this out for help: How to format your poetry on YWS
Now, on to the actual piece. There are two things I really like about this:
1) The jewel metaphor.
2) The idea of the other person coming back and wanting them at the end.
However, I feel like those good things are getting lost in the rhyme scheme. I feel like the rhyming is forcing the piece into awkward phrasing and cliches.
I would consider re-working this without the rhyming and focusing more heavily on the jewel idea. Make it a story about a girl who had a jewel and a thief who stole it even though he didn't care one lick about it. If you think about it, this could be a cool narrative poem.
Overall, I think you have some great ideas! In the future, I wouldn't worry so much about rhyme schemes and think more about images and metaphors. I also just noticed you're new, so welcome to YWS! Keep writing!
Hello Mudthicket,
Myjaspercat here for your review
So first of all, I want to say that the concept of love in poetry is rather cliché. As well, I want to say that your poem kind of follows all the other love poems, but don't feel discouraged it is a good poem after all.
1.) Like the person before me said, there are no defined stanzas, and that can be bad determined by how long your poem is. After saying that, you should break this into stanzas, it is to long and would help the flow of your piece if you broke it up a bit.
2.)The first line is the first line to show how your piece is cliché. "So you thought I was in love with you," Let's brake it down a bit...
---ok, first, you kind of contradict your self from this line to later lines. You/ narrator describe how sad you were from being in love with this person and they didn't show any interest in you. But here in this line, you proclaim that you're not in love with this other person. Doesn't make sense.
Another thing, in my opinion, your poem seems to transition very fast. As well, you repeated the line "I must say you're out of place" a couple times through out the piece and I didn't really see the meaning in this line.
Anyways, Good luck and Continue writing.---Myjaspercat
This is really good! I must say, I love your style. One thing that I noticed, though, is the lack of defined stanzas. It sounds great how it is, though, so I'm not sure if you mean it that way. You can totally ignore me!
"I must say you’re out of place"- You repeat this twice, and in non-corresponding places. Also, at the end, after the previous line, I can't really make sense of that.
Other than that, your poem is really good. And welcome to YWS!