Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Poetry » Romantic

E - Everyone

The Little Jewel

by Mudthicket


The Little Jewel

So you thought I was in love with you

I don’t know what to say

You knew I’d be here waiting

I must say you’re out of place

There’s nothing left to wish for

I waited my youth away

Crying at your door

While you went out to play

My love grew wings

As you bestowed me with your gaze

My heart screamed

Knowing you wouldn’t stay

Nothing mattered including me

You had your reasons and your ways

You’re thinking you live in my dreams

I’m thinking the jewel left the safe

There’s no sweet return

To bitter give and chase

What little held me there

Will not un-break the cage

I won’t lie

I was captive to your stares

But I was blind

Life is more than how I cared

Pay no heed to the little jewel

Left in the safe to collect dust

You’ll never see that little girl

I see you trying to no luck

With a little care and warmth

The little jewel would’ve shined

Now my world has no heart

To ignite those lonely eyes

Don’t pine for new starts

There’s nothing to share

Don’t look for my heart

You’ll never go there

It’s hidden safely from view

And won’t shine softly off guard

Once wishing to be your moon

We’ve drifted galaxies apart

To rescue the past

Melt the wall of ice

To hold in your hand

The little jewel you sliced

Is like a thief out to steal

What belongs to no one

Protection’s all I feel

The gates will never open

You stand here in the rain

With that look in your eyes

I must say you’re out of place

I will never cry


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
18 Reviews


Points: 1223
Reviews: 18

Donate
Sun Jan 25, 2015 1:15 pm
RosePetal8965 wrote a review...



Hello and Happy Review Day!!!

First of al let me say I really enjoyed your poem!!! There was a couple of grammer issues like for instance.

"It's hidden safely from view"

I think it should be for intense.

"It's safely hidden away from view"

Other then that I thought your story was really well wriiten. I also liked how I could just imagine your story. I really do think you should keep writing more poems!!! I really liked your theme of Romance!!!

Keep on writing!!!

~Rose




User avatar
1210 Reviews


Points: 29861
Reviews: 1210

Donate
Sun Jan 25, 2015 4:48 am
niteowl wrote a review...



Hi there Mudthicket! Niteowl here to review this poem for Team Blue Moon this fine Review Day!

First off, I have to agree with myjaspercat in that a lot of poems have been written about unrequited love, so it's hard to make one stand out. I also have to agree that the complete lack of stanzas and punctuation isn't doing you any favors. Unfortunately, the YWS publishing center is notoriously bad at doing line breaks. Check this out for help: How to format your poetry on YWS

Now, on to the actual piece. There are two things I really like about this:

1) The jewel metaphor.
2) The idea of the other person coming back and wanting them at the end.

However, I feel like those good things are getting lost in the rhyme scheme. I feel like the rhyming is forcing the piece into awkward phrasing and cliches.

I would consider re-working this without the rhyming and focusing more heavily on the jewel idea. Make it a story about a girl who had a jewel and a thief who stole it even though he didn't care one lick about it. If you think about it, this could be a cool narrative poem.

Overall, I think you have some great ideas! In the future, I wouldn't worry so much about rhyme schemes and think more about images and metaphors. I also just noticed you're new, so welcome to YWS! Keep writing!

Image




User avatar
252 Reviews


Points: 4241
Reviews: 252

Donate
Sun Jan 25, 2015 3:16 am
myjaspercat wrote a review...



Hello Mudthicket,
Myjaspercat here for your review

So first of all, I want to say that the concept of love in poetry is rather cliché. As well, I want to say that your poem kind of follows all the other love poems, but don't feel discouraged it is a good poem after all.

1.) Like the person before me said, there are no defined stanzas, and that can be bad determined by how long your poem is. After saying that, you should break this into stanzas, it is to long and would help the flow of your piece if you broke it up a bit.

2.)The first line is the first line to show how your piece is cliché. "So you thought I was in love with you," Let's brake it down a bit...
---ok, first, you kind of contradict your self from this line to later lines. You/ narrator describe how sad you were from being in love with this person and they didn't show any interest in you. But here in this line, you proclaim that you're not in love with this other person. Doesn't make sense.

Another thing, in my opinion, your poem seems to transition very fast. As well, you repeated the line "I must say you're out of place" a couple times through out the piece and I didn't really see the meaning in this line.

Anyways, Good luck and Continue writing.---Myjaspercat




User avatar
38 Reviews


Points: 144
Reviews: 38

Donate
Sun Jan 25, 2015 12:49 am
Sarah12 says...



This is really good! I must say, I love your style. One thing that I noticed, though, is the lack of defined stanzas. It sounds great how it is, though, so I'm not sure if you mean it that way. You can totally ignore me!

"I must say you’re out of place"- You repeat this twice, and in non-corresponding places. Also, at the end, after the previous line, I can't really make sense of that.
Other than that, your poem is really good. And welcome to YWS!





History repeats itself. First as tragedy, second as farce.
— Karl Marx