I wish I could speak my visions
I wish I could tell you what I see at night
I wish I could tell you my tales
Tales where flame consumed warriors and wielders of magic are normal
Tales where pitch black smoke and cobalt blue flame has become a sign of danger
Tales where star woven magic rules a broken land
A tale of a queen of night and king of light
A tale of one chosen to fill the world in darkness
A tale of smoke and mirrors
Not all is black and white
Not all is strong and weak
Not all is what it seems
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140,415 Literary Works • 673,176 Reviews
Hi there! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!
Hey there, Mrytle! Junebug here to leave a late review on this beautiful poem of yours!
Shall we?
Top Graham Cracker - What I Know
This poem reads as a powerful introduction to a new fantasy world. It describes the deep frustration of the narrator who is holding back vivid visions and struggles to find the words to share them with the world. The shift from longing to powerful imagery creates an amazing contrast, painting a bright picture of a fractured world filled with magic, complex morality, and danger.
Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - Room for Improvements
Varying the line starters creates a structured list, but breaking this pattern could make the imagery even more vivid.
Also, adding a bit of punctuation could help guide the pacing and emphasize the dramatic shifts.
Chocolate Bar - Highlights of the Piece
The color contrast and vivid details in this poem are simply amazing! The phrase:
really stands out, providing a strong visual hook.
I also loved the depth in the last three lines. Shifting from fantasy, to human philosophy by saying:
Turned a simple list of fantasy ideas into deeper thoughts of what we feel, versus what's true.
Closing Graham Cracker - Closing Thoughts
Overall, you have a beautiful imagination, and this world sounds very rich and thought-provoking. I can't wait to read more!
Thank you, have a good night/day, and be safe!
I love a good fantasy poem! Similar to what Mangledsoul mentioned, I'm wondering why the speaker feels held back from explaining further regarding their visions. Is it by choice? Are there consequences to speaking their truth? Super mysterious- I like it!
Going through the poem, I really enjoy the repetition of "I wish", "Tales", etc. It feels as though the speaker has this constant need to say more but keeps themselves from explaining further. There's a sense of secret urgency here- like pressing news or cautionary advice that you have no choice but to whisper with haste. The use of repetition is very strong!
I really enjoy these ideas here:
These lines are already pretty solid but if you would like to expand on this poem, you can add some pretty rad imagery to these tales. How fierce are these warriors and wizards/mages? What does the smoke and flame look like? Given the aforementioned urgency at the start of the poem, I totally understand why it's kept to concrete ideas. The imagery is a mere suggestion!
I love the turn of the poem as well:
It's almost like a warning before continuing a journey. I would love to see this built upon- once you draw back the curtains, what's behind all that smoke and mirrors?
Also, so sorry! Little nitpick here:
where*
All and all, this is a really good poem that can totally be expanded upon if you'd like to! You have great use of repetition and solid concepts. Great work!
I can't believe I missed that! Thanks!
Okay this was actually interesting. It kinda feels like someone trying to explain a dream but stopping halfway because they know words won't do it justice. I liked that vibe. The fantasy bits caught my attention, especially the dark queen, king of light, and smoke and mirrors. They make you wonder what happened in that world.
I think the poem has good ideas, but it feels a little more like notes for a bigger story than a complete poem. I wanted a bit more emotion or maybe one image that really punches you in the face and stays there. Right now it keeps introducing cool concepts, but before I can sit with one, it's already moved to the next.
The ending was my favourite part though. "Not all is black and white" and "Not all is strong and weak" kinda ties everything together and gives it more meaning than just fantasy stuff.
Overall, I'd say it's a solid start. It definitely made me curious, which is a good thing. I'd honestly like to see this expanded because it feels like there's a whole world sitting behind these lines.
This is a wonderful poem. I love the different parts, the ‘I wish I could’ and the ‘Tales where’ and ‘not all is’
My favorite is ‘not all is’
“Not all is what it seems
Not all is black and white
Not all is strong and weak“
I love this part, it is the perfect adding to this poem. If I could offer some advice, and this is just my opinion, I feel t would be better if the
“Not all is what it seems”
Were the last line.
But that is just my opinion, this poem is still so beautiful.
Overall, amazing. Keep up the great work!
Mwah Mwah! <3
-STARRYY