Why Do Hospitals Smell Funny?

Hey! Thanks for replying to my thread. I hope you find things in here that help out a bit. So, let’s begin.

Why do hospitals smell funny? I wonder. I have a seat all to myself between mom and [y]dad[/y], and my feet swing back and forth. I don’t know why we’re here exactly, but it’s making mom upset. “Mom?” I ask. She clears her throat before she speaks.

I love the hook. It’s certainly intriguing, and shows the James’s sweet naivety. In general, the hook certainly adds the conflict and drama to keep the reader going. Nice work there. However, remember to keep Mom and Dad capitalized. There are a few times where it slips up throughout the story. Also, start a new paragraph for dialogue. Attach the last sentence to this paragraph of “Yes, James?”

Mom gives a half laugh and a half smile, and looks down at her lap. For a moment she says nothing, then, “I don’t know, Sweetie. I don’t know.” Mom only says she doesn’t know when really she’s not telling my something. I want keep asking, but her eyes are wet again. Is it my fault? I wonder, and frown. I want to make mom feel better, but I don’t know how.

I don’t quite like the repetition of ‘half laugh’ and ‘half smile’, although I understand you’re limiting it to simple phrases since James is young. Perhaps something like, “Mom half-smiles and laughs all weird, looking down at her lap.” It’s not better, but I’m just suggesting a rephrasing. I’m pretty sure it was a typo, but it should be ‘me’, not ‘my’. Actually, that sentence right there could be elaborated on. I’m not sure how old James is, but I’d like to know how a young child has figured out that his mother only says “I don’t know” when she’s lying. Has he asked when the family is going to go see the latest slasher film and his mother says “I don’t know”? That’s a good place to add some showing. There should be a ‘to’ between ‘want’ and ‘keep’. I feel like you can leave the ‘I wonder’ out because the italics have been used and it’s been established that italics are for James’s thoughts. It could simply be “Is it my fault? I frown.”

Why won’t mom or dad tell me why we’re in a hospital? I wonder.

Again, the ‘I wonder’ could be omitted.

We were in the car going to meet grandma at a restaurant. Ahead of us there were lots of flashing police lights. The car slowed down, and I asked why we were slowing down. Dad said that everyone else wanted to get a glimpse of the accident as they drove by. I wanted a glimpse too. There was a red pick-up truck with the front smashed, and a gray car with the driver’s door crushed in. Lots of people were standing around, and some were ambulance people taking care of the people in the crash. Dad said to mom, “Shit, that’s not her car is it?” We slowed down even more, and mom and dad were glued to the windows. Mom gasped and cried, “Todd, l ook at the bumper sticker. It’s her. Oh my God, it’s her.”

‘Grandma’ should be capitalized. In bold, I found that sentence awkward, and I recommend staying away from passive voice in general. The next line I find very repetitive with the double use of ‘slow down’. It comes up again a few sentences later. Are there any alternatives to that phrase? Again, new paragraphs for dialogue. Also, since this is a flashback, I feel like it should be more pronounced. Obviously italics aren’t a choice, but perhaps just some line breaks would work?

Dad is still leaned over my seat. “Here, dad,” I say, holding out my food-filled arms to his back. He lets go of mom to turn and face me, and I feel like an intruder.

I don’t like the passive tone of the first sentence. Also, I’m not sure if ‘intruder’ is the best word. There has been no indication of James’s age in the story, so I can’t say for sure if he would regularly use the word ‘intruder’ at his age.

Mom and dad are quiet, and dad checks his watch a lot. I watch the minutes tick by on the big, white wall clock. I wonder when we’re going home, but mom and dad seem tense and I’m nervous to say anything at all.

Underlined just notes things to be capitalized. The very last sentence has the tone of someone older, so I feel like it should be looked at and perhaps rewritten to create more of a childlike atmosphere in this section. Instead of just telling, it would be better to show that sentence, like Mom and Dad look like my wind-up toys, all stiff and stuff. I don’t say anything. The hospital scares the words out of me.

A doctor walks in through a big door and asks for mom. Mom stands up and walks to meet the doctor. Dad tells me to stay here for just a minute, then follows mom. I can still hear the doctor talking from my seat, though. He uses lots of words I don’t know. He says, “We did everything we could, but the accident was faydal. I’m very sorry.” Mom cries again, and dad too now. What does ‘faydal’ mean? [s]I wonder.[/s]

I think the ‘faydal’ part was well thought of. It’s a good way to show James’s innocence, and the audience feels that much more depressed, knowing James is about to learn a horrible, new word.

This is just personal preference, but it would be nice to see a revisit to the title/hook. Perhaps something about the situation makes James come up with his own conclusion on why hospitals smell funny. Maybe he thinks that everyone's tears make it smell odd. It would just be a nice way to wrap things up.

Characterization was consistent, so there’s not much to say there. However, I’d like to see a little more about this family. It might help if you add tiny details every now and then, just to create clearer pictures of James and his parents. With the bumper sticker on Grandma’s car, what does it look like? Does it have text so James can’t read it? Is it a peace sign? What about James? The reader knows he is young, but how young? Is he barely in kindergarten?

Once we establish a clear age, it becomes easier to maintain a steady narration. There are a few slip-ups in the story in terms of James’s voice. Sometimes he doesn’t sound like a young child at all. Of course, this is very difficult to write, the child’s voice. So my advice is to really take the time to flesh out James’ character to the most minor details. Once this has been accomplished, try this again? Be sure to include the small details, as a I mentioned before, so James’s world becomes vibrant and clear to the reader. As a child, things seem bigger and grander, so exaggerations and hyperboles would help in this situation.

I guess my general critique would be to add more details and description. The story is fine as it is, give or take a few mechanical things, but it certainly wouldn’t hurt to add on just a little bit

Best of luck,
octo

Cynara wrote:Hey there!

I'm not going to look for grammar mistakes, 'cause I'm kind of lazy right now .
The story was sad, and yet you could see that it had a touch of innocence as the main character is a little kid. And all I'm going to say is that I liked how its written and it catches my attention as a reader. Also, the tittle is brilliant and it helps to show that the main character is little, because I know if it where an older person maybe they'd be thinking more of how its colors are depressing or how they get freaked out by hospitals... Well, I'm going to stop rambling now.

Good luck!

Thanks for the kind words!
It's ok that you didn't check the grammar...I'm pretty sure it's fine anyway.