By Ethan Horowitz,
This is a shortened story about a man, a man who finds light in dark times, a man who always keeps his eyes open, and a man who isn't afraid to die. It all starts very near the Sung Dynasty in China. This man is in Mongolia, but is not a Mongolian himself. He was captured as a child. Every morning this man gets up, goes to the fields and works day to night, day after day after day. Every time a harvest comes he has to give up most of it for his price to pay his debt to what he. But it's never enough. Every time he hopes to leave to start a new life he gets put back and only has to give up more. For generations his family has been living this way. Always just almost able to leave. One day this certain man decides to sneak off away from everything that he knows to start a new life, out of debt and free. He sneaks out in the darkest of night away to China. It takes many days traveling by foot but as he walks he tries to think of what he can do to get up out of the dump.
When I first get to China I first is confused by all the strange looks I am getting. It takes me a while to figure why but eventually I figure out why. It is the close he is wearing, they are ragged and dirty from the life of a serf. At first I try to make off of trading at the silk road. One day at about my closing time when the sun was beginning to set and the last of the crowds were beginning to fade away to return to their families, a man approached me wearing hemp so I knew he wasn't to high with status. This man asked for a rare type of herb I started going through all of the things I had to offer like duck, tea, rice, and meat but of course I did not have it. So I soon sent the man on his way.
On my way to the tiny shed in the forest that I had cleaned up and called home I heard a sound off the almost deserted road. It was almost like a chirp but different, just barely noticeable but it was a lower pitch. I set down my bag and jogged off the road. As I got closer I slowed down to a crawl until I could barely hear myself. I peered into a nearby ditch that had been overgrown by weed and other plants. I saw a dying bird. Thats right a single dying bird. As I walked away I felt stupid to be spending my time doing something as useless as that. I scolded myself as I got to the road. I absent mindedly reached down to grab my bag and hit empty air, my bag with everything in it was gone. I scoured the ground around it and found nothing except a single yuan (worth only one american dollar). I went back to the shed to think about what to do with my life. I needed shelter and food.
The next morning I knew what to do. I had to join the military. Any other job would take lots of money to start and maintain, that he did not have. The military would supply food and
shelter. I marched off into the city to find any sort of recruitment place to join the army.
As I walked into the recruitment building I realized I was the only person there, besides the recruiter. I walked up to the recruiter and told him I was interested in joining. He asked some questions about myself and I was soon in the Navy Section of the army. I was excited to join this section of the army because it was the most powerful part of China.
After my training I was sent near the front lines of battle to fight the mongols. Because I was not effective enough to wield the recently invented crossbow. On my journey to the east china sea I saw many new things that I had not even known existed until then. One of these things was the canal lock. It made it so that the water was always flat. They could have the water level rise when you get to it then lower and take you down to the rest of the water, kind of like an elevator or stairs.
I went on many different battles and other military things but this is the one that changed me forever
This battle was against a group of bandits who were attempting to capture a town and make counterfeit money/yuans. We entered the city under the cover of darkness and attempted to get the bandits by surprise. We got close but were found out before we got to them. This battle went on like any other but me and a group of others were sent to flank them from behind.
By the time we managed to maneuver behind them unnoticed we were losing the battle. We attacked killing many and changing the tides of war slightly. The rest of my platoon was pushed back or killed but I hid in a building until they passed. I snuck out into the enemy unnoticed right up behind the leader. In the time that passed our general had exposed himself so that the enemy was moving towards his location. I was not sure what to do until I saw a glass bottle sitting nearby. I snuck near bandits location and threw the glass bottle just on the other side of them. As soon as they looked I lept into action killing many by surprise. Little did I know at the time but one of the people that I killed had poised himself directly above our generals hiding spot about to strike the final blow. We won that battle and confiscated 27 wood block printers, fake money and a stash of gunpowder that they were going to use to make a bomb of a sort. By the time that we were ready to leave the location and head back home we realized we could not find directions using the sun. We scoured the remains of the city only to find a single, rusted, compass. We used that and a map to find our way back to the ship.
Because I had saved the general's life I became a favorite of his, galloping up the ranks until I was second in command. Soon the general died honorably in battle and I was put in at general. I fought many battles and was catching the attention of the government. I soon learned this was a mistake however but by then it was too late. You see the government was afraid of successful generals because they could be a threat to them. I was soon executed in the capitol.
The End
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Hey there MrWitz. It's just lizzy dropping by real quick, so without a further ado, let the reviewing begin.
I think the "d" of dynasty and "s" of story need to be capitalized. It looks much nicer this way and gives you more of a chance for the reader to continue viewing your piece.
The "c" in china needs to be a capital C because it's a country and they always need have a cap at the beginning. The second sentence is redundant and hard to understand. You need to go with either "There are many battles to fight" and use the mystery there. Or you could go with "He fought many battles" as if you're looking back on it. I haven't read the entire piece but I believe most is told from first person. I'd go with "I have many battles ahead".
There are lots of parts that need to be re-worded so that's going to be the majority of my review.
1. Repeating "man" is of course for emphasis but instead it comes across as extremely annoying. You need to find a way to limit the use of man while also keeping the emphasis on his characteristics. Also get rid of "shortened" because it gives a bad taste to the piece, maybe even get rid of "story" because it also gives a bad appearance. I would go with something along the lines of...
1. Man was really only needed once so I just eliminated all of the others. Use this edit as you like. Also put that part in italics separated from the rest of the piece. More emotion is conveyed to the reader that way.
1. Are you talking about the "Song" or "Sung" dynasty? Your title differs from your opening sentence so please just choose one.
1. All of your sentences start the same and are the same length. None of it flows well and you need to vary the sentence length. The beginning of the sentence is very important but the sentence length effects the piece overall. I would definitely re-word this to avoid confusion.
1. That wording just gives the piece a more professional tone, at least to me.
1. The last 'after day' cues the point where the phrase is becoming annoying. You don't need it at all and actually hurts the story more than helps.
1. At 'Every' you should have started a new paragraph (or could start it there). In that first paragraph, you definitely needed to split it and at this point, it would do the least damage to the thought connections.
2. You had some points that I edited a bit with red ink. They really need no explanation, I was just notifying you of them.
3. I did replace 'put' with 'pulled' just because it didn't make any sense.
The changing of the point of views really confused me at first. Most likely, it will confuse your other readers. To fix this you simply need to mark where you are changing the POV. Maybe just a quarter line of dashes and some bold print. It just needs to be something to signal to the reader, that you are moving between POVs. I really would have preferred if you had kept it completely in third person, it would have made more sense that way. At least to me it would have. But you didn't, so you have to signal it somehow.
1. American dollars would not have been invented at this point. What was your reason for including this conversion?
This story was actually pretty good, even though I had to read through two or three times to figure out what was going on. The main thing you need to work on, is checking for spelling and grammar mistakes, even the minor ones. I pointed out all of the big mistakes and some little ones but you need to go back through and proofread. The plot moved a bit fast but it was exciting in some ways. Little to nothing is known about the main character, which disturbed me at first, but seems to fit your story well.
Well that's about all I have for today. Sorry if I couldn't offer anymore
commentsextremely helpful words of advice.Have a nice day.
Lizzy
Queen of the Book Clubs
-"It all starts very near the Sung Dynasty in China." Is it Song or Sung? Or are those interchangeable?
-"Every time a harvest comes he has to give up most of it for his price to pay his debt to what he." to what he what?
-"When I first get to China I first is confused by all the strange looks I am getting." Alright, other than the grammatical errors, ie "When I first get to China I first is confused" should be 'When I first get to China I was confused', what's up with the point of view in this? While the switching from third person to first person isn't uncommon, it requires a warning, such as asterisks beforehand. However, in this story it changes regularly, as if the author forgot to edit some of them out and be consistent. Consider reading through and deciding a particular point of view, and remain consistent to it.
-"It is the close he is wearing, they are ragged and dirty from the life of a serf." The clothes, and again with the changing of POV's.
Actual Review:
Now, besides the erratic changing of POV's, there is also the problem of the main meat of the plot. The story seemed to linger on the first part, where the protagonist is stuck in a place where he doesn't want to be, and at first that's all well and good because it gives us background, but then it rockets into another section where the story talks about his life as a navy man and battles with bandits. Okay, this is epic. But there needs to be something to connect these two things, something that the reader can comprehend and get on with.
Other than that, I will say that I'm impressed this had pretty good character development. Definitely not perfect, as it could use a little more development (what's the character like? Is he nice? Does he have any flaws that may cause him conflict in the story? If he does, show those things to us, because from what I've read I didn't get it completely), it is a notable change and I liked how you did it very much.
Overall this may need three or four readthroughs, but with a little tender love and care this would definitely end up something special. It's fun, it's light-hearted and used right it can also be emotionally scarring.
Signing out,
--EM.
It's good!
Someone plz leave a comment or review :{