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Young Writers Society


16+ Language Violence

Highway To Inferno: Chapter Two

by MrTilgen


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.

Chapter Two

About 1,400 miles away, FBI special agent Jonathan Houston was standing in front of a door way that would lead into one of the classrooms of the FBI academy. The door had dark but polished wood around its edges, but had a glass that was translucent to what was inside from the naked eye. Jonathan opened the door slowly and stepped in with silent footsteps making no sound with his approach the classroom. As he stepped into the classroom he saw a teacher in there with about twenty students. Some of the students acknowledged his presence by staring at the agent. The teacher took notice of the student’s attention that was guided toward Jonathan. The teacher paused and took a second to look at Jonathan.

“Is there something you need, sir?” The teacher asked with curiosity and high intentions.

“No, I’m just here to observe, please continue your lesson,” Jonathan replied with a smile.

The teacher slowly nodded his head and went back to explaining how serial killers could express anger while murdering someone. He presented his explanation through a slideshow with pictures of dead victims with stabs and wounds that obviously looked like someone who wanted revenge. The stabs and the damage made it look that way. Jonathan began to look around the classroom. Jonathan is a very observant person. He is aware that it is important as an FBI agent to be observant of your surroundings and prepare for the worst of situations and conflicts. As Jonathan looked around the classroom he saw that the room was designed like an average college classroom design. There were dark wooden stands with small platforms for the training agents to put their items and papers on. Along with seats that were practically benches. These stands and benches would have more that would be higher than the lower ones, along with stairs to walk along those stands. Jonathan took notice that most of the learning students were young and a majority of them are in their ages of twenty’s and thirty’s. Jonathan was looking for someone who looked special and had high capabilities of being business partners with him. He then saw one student that caught his eye. The man seemed to be young and looked like he was in his age of late twenty’s. He had dark blond hair, which had green eyes and had a hand on the side of his face while he was leaning forward towards the teacher. Jonathan predicted that particular student looked bored out of his mind. Jonathan couldn’t remember being bored in the academy when he was an FBI agent in training. Jonathan exited out of the classroom and went back into his office. He had a perfect view of the classroom door from his office. Jonathan had a decent sized office, it certainly wasn’t a cubicle but the office was large for someone in his federal position. He slowly shifted his eyes at something he didn’t want to look at. It was his board on the wall. It was full of pictures and labels that showed victims. There were three pictures with three different victims. All of the bodies had been found along highways. They all had looked like they had been beaten and stabbed mildly multiple times. But for some apparent strange reason all three victims had a marking on their stomach. They had markings of a pentacle marked on their stomach. It was done by a knife because they were obviously blood marks. But Jonathan already figured out that the victims were murdered and brutally tortured from the same killer. Jonathan was struggling on this particular case. He felt like he needed assistance from some agent in training. The reason for this is because Jonathan feels like he has this determined mind set on criminal psychology that sets in with empathy. Meaning he’s been thinking too much of the previous killers he’s catch. He felt like he needed someone with a fresh mind that focused on criminal psychology. He then pictured that man that he saw earlier in the classroom. He suddenly walked towards his window inside his office. He saw the students with encouraged faces exiting the classroom he was in earlier. Jonathan tried to spot the man he saw earlier. Just with his luck he saw the man with green eyes and short dark blond hair heading towards the direction of Jonathan’s office. Jonathan looked back at his board on the wall. Something told him that he could find who the killer on that board with someone’s help. He seemed to be looking toward that man with green eyes. He looked back at his window and didn’t see the man. He rushed and walked out of his office, leaving the door open and walked in the hallways trying to find the young man.

Why am I trying to find this guy?” Jonathan asked himself as he was rushing through the hallways.

He suddenly saw the man walking at a normal pace that was slower and steadier then Jonathan’s walking pace. Jonathan went to catch up with the man he was trying to find before.

“Going somewhere?” Jonathan said loud enough so he could hear.

The hallway was empty besides Jonathan and the man. The man suddenly turned around and took a second to look at Jonathan.

“I’m not going anywhere, well besides my next class.” The man said with a firm attitude. He paused for another second and looked at Jonathan and gave him a look as in if he recognized him.

“Weren’t you the one who was in my classroom earlier?” The man asked.

“You’re classroom?” Jonathan asked with clarification.

“Okay, fine, Mr.Hinson’s classroom,” the man muttered.

“Come with me,” Jonathan said.

The man looked confused and was probably questioning in his mind if he was serious about coming with him or not.

“But, I’m going to miss class!” The man explained.

“Would you rather be going to class or speak with an actual trained FBI agent?” Jonathan asked.

The man stood there and thought for a few seconds.

“On second thought, I will come with you.” The man replied.

“I thought so,” Jonathan said slowly as they walked to this office.

The man followed Jonathan to his office. He closed the door behind them. The man’s attention turned to Jonathan’s board on the wall. He seemed to take notice of the pictures on the board. He started walking toward the board and read Jonathan’s notes.

“Tell me, what do you see?” Jonathan asked with empathy.

“Well for one thing, I see dead people.” He replied.

“God damn it, give me a more professional observation.” Jonathan demanded.

“Okay I see multiple stabs and wounds and it seems like these murders have been committed by the same serial killer, this guy has a pattern.” The man explained.

The man stood there and slowly turned back to Jonathan. Jonathan was staring at the 27 year old young man for a few seconds.

“What’s your name, kid?” Jonathan asked.

“The name is Parkers, Jason Parkers.” The man replied.

“Well, I’m Special FBI Agent Jonathan Houston.” Jonathan exclaimed.

“Was the ‘Special’ part of that was really necessary?” Jason asked.

“Yes, yes it was, and all I have left to say to you Jason is that we may get along well in business.” Jonathan replied while they were shaking hands.


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31 Reviews


Points: 578
Reviews: 31

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Sun Jun 30, 2013 8:53 pm
Annapurna wrote a review...



Hello there! :D

Firstly I would like to congratulate you on creating a clear and consistent story! While reading I knew clearly what was going on and at no point did I feel lost or confused so well done! :)

This being a suspense story I did not find this chapter too gripping, I think what this chapter needs a little more mystery and drama - or maybe you're saving that for later chapters? To me this chapter seamed more of a filler and did not contain enough excitement, however too much excitement can be worse (just a word of caution) Keeping hold of your reader's attention is hard, believe me, so maybe just add in a little more drama and this will be compelling enough to force your audience to read on!

For further improvements I came across one problem which I think let the story down a little. There was a huge amount of repetition throughout. For example:

"Jonathan began to look around the classroom. Jonathan is a very observant person." - I felt you were saying Jonathan too much, which made the language drag on slightly, which creates a very blunt tone. Try to cut out his name every now and then as the reader can find repetition very tedious.
Another example of this:

"The teacher took notice of the student’s attention that was guided toward Jonathan. The teacher paused and took a second to look at Jonathan." - try linking sentences together to create a more complicated and interesting structure.

In order to make the story and words flow smother, try starting sentences using a range of techniques and don't start with "The..." all the time? Try beginning the sentence with an adverb, for example:

"observantly, Jonathan scanned through the class of students, pondering to himself who would make the best companion "

I am useless with grammar and find it as difficult to correct as it is to master, however one last point to improve on could be paragraphing. Throughout the story paragraphing was almost perfect. I think however you need to brake down the second main paragraph because it drags on a bit, which can sometimes result in loosing your reader's interest.

Overall though I think this is looking good so far and with the right dedication and time this will become a very good story! :)

Keep Writing,


*~Annapurna~*




MrTilgen says...


What I did in this chapter was introducing the other side of the story. Throughout the story, you will read through the 3rd person perspective of Douglas in some chapters, and in other chapters you will experience the 3rd person perspective of Jason and Jonathan. Think of this particular chapter as an introduction. I intend this chapter to be the beginning of the duo of Jonathan and Jason. This particular chapter isn't suppose to be such a suspenseful event of the story. This is just the beginning of the story after all, there is no initiating event in the beginning so the suspense isn't suppose to kick off YET. Think of it this way, The Hungry Hippos (The Hunger Games) was a great book in my opinion, however the beginning felt a little bit slow. That example could fit in with this story as well. Of course the only difference is that with "The Hunger Games" the only exception of not have the beginning not so exciting is because it's particular genre doe's not fit in with suspense. Depending on how the reader visualizes it, their might or might not be an exception for this particular story because of it's defining genre as suspense. However, thank you for the review, and your attention. I'm hoping to get Chapter Three done tomorrow. I hope you continue reading this story as it progresses. Thanks!

-Tilgen



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39 Reviews


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Reviews: 39

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Sun Jun 30, 2013 5:08 am
Smilykid wrote a review...



Having read part one, I think is a good follow-up chapter. I like how you introduce the other side to the story. I really have nothing bad to say about the story itself, however, there were some grammar errors I picked up on.

Jonathan is a very observant person.


You switch tenses here; be careful of this. If you look, the rest of your chapter uses the form "was", but this sentence (and others) uses "is".

But for some apparent strange reason all three victims had a marking on their stomach. They had markings of a pentacle marked on their stomach.


The word apparent isn't really needed here. Also, since you said they had markings, the word marked just makes it sound redundant.

Once again, good chapter! Keel writing!




MrTilgen says...


*Keep



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37 Reviews


Points: 1396
Reviews: 37

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Sun Jun 30, 2013 4:24 am
gauravkundu32 wrote a review...



Hello there, A Boy from the Future is here to review your precious work:-
At first I'd like to do some nitpicks...

but had a glass that was translucent to what was inside from the naked eye

I think this sentence is missing something.

There were dark wooden stands with small platforms for the training agents to put their items and papers on. Along with seats that were practically benches.

These sentences should be combined with each other.

He then saw one student that caught his eye

This sentence may be something like this:-Then he saw one student...

But for some apparent strange reason all three victims had a marking on their stomach. They had markings of a pentacle marked on their stomach.

"But" is a conjunction and should not be used in the beginning of any sentence.

Meaning he’s been thinking too much of the previous killers he’s catch

A sentence may not start with word like Meaning though it's my personal opinion.

Some more points I want to say here...
Never fluctuate between tenses or in other words don't change tense and stick to one , either it be past or present. I couldn't find any punctuation error.
My Final words:-
I like this story and the way it creates the mystery.You've done a good job. The story need a bit more description of the protagonist though. That's all for now. You've great potential so keep writing and do your best.
keep up the good work

With Best Wishes

-gauravkundu32-




MrTilgen says...


When you read later in the story you are going to learn the histories of some of the characters (both including the protagonists and the antagonists). I want the readers to have background knowledge of the characters while they are progressing through the story. However, I want to introduce the characters at the beginning of the story, AND THEN give the reader's some background information or history of the characters as the story progresses on. Thanks for your attention, chapter 3 should arrive with in a day.

-Tilgen




See, we could have been called The Shoes.
— Paul McCartney