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Young Writers Society


16+ Language Violence

Highway To Inferno (Chapter One)

by MrTilgen


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.

Chapter One

Douglas Macintyre was driving through the state of Arizona. He was searching for something that a lot of other people wouldn’t be searching. What he was searching for was going to lead him into another cycle in his life.

Take, torture, and kill.” Douglas thought to himself.

The words repeated in his head psychologically over and over again. Douglas was driving on the path where most serial killers would drive, America’s highways. Highways in the areas where sheriffs did not exist. Douglas was a trucker who would have one common objective besides his standard way of his occupation. It was to find vulnerable people that needed rides, and to victimize them to their death. Now these days’ people were hitchhiking all over America. Douglas looked over to his left window of his truck as he saw a view of Arizona, practically in the middle of nowhere. The area felt like a desert with abandoned roads. In the distance, Douglas could see tall mountains with roads that went along the strides of the mountains. He felt like this was the perfect place to kill and brutally torture someone, and it is.

Nate Cornwell and his lovely fiancé Audrey Byers were in the back seat of a stranger’s car. They were in Arizona hitch hiking and trying to reach their home state, Idaho. The driver was a man willing to give them a lift and was planning to drop them off to the nearest driveway. They were riding on the highways of Arizona, the heaven of serial killers. Something then caught the driver’s eye. There was a tall silver pole with a sign over it saying gas.

“I think I’m going to have to drop you folks off to this gas station,” the mysterious man said.

“That’s fine, thank you sir for the ride,” replied Nate.

He pulled over to the gas station Nate and Audrey opened the doors of the car and closed them. They both had backpacks with lunches in them; however they did not have much money with them. That was the only reason why they needed to get rides that led them to Idaho.

“Were so grateful for your kindness sir, we thank you for the ride.” Nate said in a polite tone.

“No problem, good luck getting to your home state,” the man replied.

“Thank you very much and god bless you sir,” Audrey said.

They went over to the gas station and found an old wooden bench near it. They sat on it and held hands romantically. The view they had was not as romantic, it was basically a view of Arizona with dust and highways to look at. He suddenly grabbed his red backpack and unzipped it. In there was some water bottles and some peanut butter and banana sandwiches. Both, Audrey and Nate preferred the taste of creamy peanut butter with bananas in sandwiches rather than peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.

“I have lunch for us darling,” said Nate.

“What are we having for lunch sweetheart?” Audrey replied with a bright smile.

“Peanut butter and banana sandwiches,” Nate smiled.

“Aw, you knew that was my favorite sandwich wasn’t it?” She lightly tapped Nate’s nose.

“Bet I did,” he smoothly kissed her swiftly on the cheek.

Before the wonderful couple took a bite of their sandwiches they were going to say their blessings for the food.

“We thank the lord for the food we have in our hands, god bless,” they both said the words with their passion for religion.

They started to take small bites of their sandwiches. When the romantic couples were nearly finished, Nate took out the bible out of his backpack. He flipped through the pages and chose a page to admire religiously along with Audrey. Nate looked over to see a man driving a truck. An instant thought came to Nate’s mind.

“Maybe this man could give us a lift,” Nate thought.

The truck went to slowly park and took up two spaces of the parking lot. One of the doors of the truck opened and a man cautiously jumped out of his seat and slammed the door to his truck shut. Nate watched as the man walked in a confident way with a fast stride of constancy. The man had blonde hair with green charming eyes. He looked like the type of man that most people can respect fully and trust. Nate then looked down at the bible again. The man seemed to notice and looked over to the couple sitting on a bench. The man could also observe and make an inference that the young and wonderful looking couple was admiring the bible. The man slowly approached the young couple in a friendly matter.

“What lovely and wonderful looking couple could be doing in a dump like this?” The man asked.

“Were actually looking for a ride because we are low on money,” Audrey replied and gave the man a warm and friendly smile.

“Where are you folks headed to then?” The man replied with curiosity.

“My lovely fiancé and I are heading to our home state, Idaho.” Nate said happily.

“Ah, Idaho, I think I’ve been there twice already,” The man smiled.

“Is that state in the direction to where you’re heading by any chance? Nate asked with an innocent look on his face.

The man paused for a moment, he seemed to be thinking about whether he should give them a ride or not.

Well, they seem to be a nice couple, the man thought.

“Tell you what,” the man said as Nate looked up.

“I will give you folks a ride to Idaho,” the man said as he smiled.

“Thank you sir, that’s very kind and generous of you,” smiled Audrey.

“You guys can come along for a ride on my truck after I go to the bathroom and get some coffee, don’t worry it will be quick,” the man explained.

“Okay then, thank you sir,” replied Nate.

During the very few minutes when the man was gone, Nate and Audrey putted back their bible back in their backpack and stood up from the old wooden bench. They slowly walked to the door outside the shop of the gas station and held hands while they waited for the man to return. A couple minutes later the man returned from the shop.

“You guys ready to go?” He asked.

“Yep, were ready whenever you are,” Nate replied.

They walked to the truck together and all three of them got in.

“Again, thank you for the ride,” Audrey said.

“No problem guys,” the man replied.

“What’s your name sir?” Nate said.

The man paused and suddenly looked at Nate.

“My name is John,” said the man as he gave them a smile.

“It’s a pleasure to meet you, John.” Audrey said as he shook hands with the man.

Nate did the same with John.

“Well I guess we better be hitting the road,” John said.

John drove the truck out of the area of the gas station and drove onto the highway.

The lamb has gone into the cattle, they just have no idea,” Douglas thought as he smiled.


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39 Reviews


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Reviews: 39

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Sun Jun 30, 2013 4:47 am
Smilykid wrote a review...



You have the start to a good story here, it's interesting. It is a bit rough in places in terms of grammar, but a quick read-through can easily fix these problems.

He felt like this was the perfect place to kill and brutally torture someone, and it is.


I understand you're trying to set up the story as one through a killer's eyes, but this line seems a little forced. I think you can get the same effect across by using some more figurative language instead of being this blunt. You know, play around with the words a bit ;) .

The man could also observe and make an inference that the young and wonderful looking couple was admiring the bible.


Just a little pet-peeve of mine: subject-verb agreement. The subject is the couple, which denotes two people. Therefore, the verb should be were and not was. Also, since it is the name of a book, Bible should be capitalized.
Other than these things, your story was very good and I can't wait to see where it goes!




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Wed Jun 26, 2013 7:28 pm
SushiSashimi333 wrote a review...



Hey Tilgen! Sushi here.

“Take, torture, and kill.” Douglas thought to himself.
Thoughts are italicized, just a hint for the future.
The words repeated in his head psychologically over and over again.
I'm not quite sure what the word "psychologically" is doing in there. It seems random, I assume that you wanted to explain how it is going through his head, but then a comparison would be better called for.
Douglas was a trucker who would have one common objective besides his standard way of his occupation.
The word "common" implies that there are others that share his objective. Maybe "main" would be a better choice.
and to victimize them to their death.
I'm not quite sure that "victimize" is the right word choice either. If you look at the definition of victimize I think that you'll understand what I mean.
Now these days’ people were hitchhiking all over America.
Apostrophes are used to show ownership of a conjunction. Since the days don't own the people then "days" shouldn't have an apostrophe.
Douglas looked over to his left window of his truck as he saw a view of Arizona, practically in the middle of nowhere.
I realize how picky I am being, I do apologize and next time shall try and be a little less. Since really the window isn't his, it's not attached to him or anything, it should be "his truck's left window. This way you can get rid of the little bit that comes after and help the story flow.
In the distance, Douglas could see tall mountains with roads that went along the strides of the mountains.
It's okay to describe the mountain with more detail. When an author does that it's called a snapshot, and snapshots are what help the reader feel like they're in the story. Also I think you meant side, not stride.
He felt like this was the perfect place to kill and brutally torture someone, and it is.
The "is" should be a "was". You tell this story in past tense, so when you suddenly use a present tense word it kinda throws things off.
Throughout your following paragraph I am starting to question what point of view this story is told from. Is it told from the serial killer's or the two people that are going to be his victims? Depending on your POV used to tell the story, the entire plot could be changed, so you have to either make it constant, or tell when something changes.
“I think I’m going to have to drop you folks off to this gas station,” the mysterious man said.
Since whatever the mysterious man is saying is a complete sentence and he is finished talking, it shouldn't end in a comma. Same with the following quote.
“Were so grateful for your kindness sir, we thank you for the ride.”
I believe that you meant to say "We're", so you might wanna change that. Also, just to make it a little more realistic, not many people who speak English as their first language say "We thank you". Just a note for the future.
He suddenly grabbed his red backpack and unzipped it. In there was some water bottles and some peanut butter and banana sandwiches.
When you say suddenly I feel like it doesn't really fit the situation. "Suddenly" is for when someone hits another over the head unexpectedly, or when something rushes out of the bushes and attacks you. Also, the second sentence should be combined with the first one with a comma and a conjunction so that it might flow better.
“We thank the lord for the food we have in our hands, god bless,”
This little quote should end with a period because they aren't going to say anymore regarding this topic. Also, since there is only one God in Christianity, which I assume this is, "god" should be CAPPED to show there being only one of him, and his importance.
The man seemed to notice and looked over to the couple sitting on a bench. The man could also observe and make an inference that the young and wonderful looking couple was admiring the bible. The man slowly approached the young couple in a friendly matter.
Not sure, but I thought you might want to know that you started these three sentences with "The man". Makes the story sound kinda repetitive.
“What lovely and wonderful looking couple could be doing in a dump like this?” The man asked.
I think "could" should follow after lovely so that it would make more sense. If you read it aloud then you may see where I'm coming from.
“Is that state in the direction to where you’re heading by any chance? Nate asked with an innocent look on his face.
You forgot the closing apostrophe.
Nate and Audrey putted back their bible back in their backpack and stood up from the old wooden bench.
"Putted" is actually not a word. Put can be used as past and present tense.
“Yep, were ready whenever you are,” Nate replied.
Here you also forgot the apostrophe in "we're".
“The lamb has gone into the cattle, they just have no idea,” Douglas thought as he smiled.
Just a question, but what comparison does a lamb and cattle have with what just happened? Doesn't seem to make sense to me, also, where was Douglas the entire time this was happening?
Overall you have a pretty good beginning. It could use more description of the setting, and a little more characterization, but otherwise this is a nice start. The one thing that really bothered me was the fact that you stated they were in Arizona multiple times throughout the story. If you could change that up and instead say what exactly they saw in more detail, that would be nice. And for the times when you want to use a more colorful vocabulary, I just use thesaurus.com. Good luck with your story and request whenever you need a review!
Sushi :D




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Wed Jun 26, 2013 5:29 pm
OliveDreams wrote a review...



Hi there :)
I really like your concept. There's not many books that I have read where we get to see through a killers eyes.
I like the way you set up the beginning and introduced your character.

The only points I would pick up on is a few grammatical errors but that's for you to read through in your own time and hopefully you'll be able to hear them.

And the other point was when you write;

"One of the doors of the truck opened and a man cautiously jumped out of his seat and slammed the door to his truck shut. Nate watched as the man walked in a confident way with a fast stride of constancy."

The words cautiously and then confidently contradict the character for me. He's either one or the other.

Hope this helps and good luck! Feel free to check out my work

:D




MrTilgen says...


I actually prefer to write mystery/suspense stories that has both the perspectives of the detectives and the killers. That way you can see how close or how far they are from catching the killer while you get to see the killer committing more crimes or doing something else. If you write a story where you don't get to see the killer's eyes, it might be a little harder to get the reader's attention. I'm not saying you can't write a good mystery story without including the killer's POV. I'm saying that you should add a plot twist or something more suspenseful IF your not going to make the story had a perspective of the killer.



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Wed Jun 26, 2013 2:55 am
BlackFox says...



I really like this story i hope you keep continuing it i would like to keep reading it's interesting has got my attention




MrTilgen says...


Chapter Two should be in release with in a couple days or a week. Thank you for your attention.




It doesn’t smell old, it just smells like a bad idea.
— James Hoffman