Gapwide is a bit hungry today
He thinks a human is his next meal
Which is likely right, for he his mouth is impressively large
But! He felt picky today!
For he does not just want a human
But a fat one
A big fat, juicy one, maybe with a few unriped coconuts
It's taking a while
Oh! There's one!
Gapwide grabs his big, zombie-like jaw in preparing
He's hungry for some. Don't judge him!
But man! Isn't that fat, Juicy woman really obese
Like MONSTER triple-decked with a few layers of skin FAT
Even Gapwide would envy her "diet"
So Gapwide just ignored her.
"S-s-s-S-s-she a big one!" our Zombie said through deep-throating.
For there is so much to pick in the Ugly Forest.
It took a few minutes, and there he was, spotted!
A man of his 50's, full of nutrients and delicious flavors
So Gapwide used an eye to him
For he could be the next meal
But this man of his 50's, he had fast legs, you see
So Gapwide could not catch him
For our zombie has his old legs, you see
So that was another food-less day
Where humans could appreciate
A day without a loss
For this Man-eater was anymore tired
For there is so much to pick in the Ugly Forest
Gapwide will be a bit hungry tomorrow
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,027 Literary Works • 672,774 Reviews
Well... you went there. I think a piece about cannibalism is definitely going to get some mixed responses, as it's tricky to read about but also has the potential to be a really biting (sorry bad pun) metaphor. I'll leave a few of my thoughts on this piece, I'm sorry if any of it sounds harsh as I don't intend it to:
Punctuation/Capitalization
I see that you were very minimalistic with your punctuation and capitalization choices. This is of course fine, but I would like to see a bit more consistency. If you're going to not have end punctuation or periods, then there shouldn't be a random one stuck on these three lines:
Also I'm not sure why "Zombie" is capitalized there. The exclamation mark after "But" in line 4 also seems a bit unneeded.
Overall Tone
As GinaERufo mentioned the overall tone seems childlike which is kind of disturbing mixed with the content of the piece. When I read this I get a very sick feeling like man this is really some disturbing material. I think you're going for a reaction, so I guess good job? I wonder if you could play up the child-like tone a bit more and maybe put more allusions to that. For instance putting in some sing-songy rhyming or a bit more alliteration in places would make for a really interesting juxtapositon to the content. Just a thought.
Overall Meaning
While I think that cannibalism can be an interesting metaphor to work with for relating really important themes, I had a hard time following the story line of this piece (for one thing, the character's name kept changing) and it was hard to grasp any outside meaning from the story. I could see this as just being a bit pun/illusion about sex or maybe just a scary story being about cannibalism. If there's a larger metaphor in here, I'm just not really seeing it.
Good luck in your future work! And if you have any questions about my review do feel free to ask!
~alliyah
Hi there
I liked this poem, I think that it fit right into its category; humorous. With that, I have a few tiny errors that can simply be fixed by looking over and editing your work as many times as you see necessary.
"Which is likely right, for he his mouth is impressively large"--I'm sure it was a simply mistake for you to write "he his" but it's okay, everyone makes mistakes like that at some point
"A big fat, juicy one,"--a comma after big, and in between fat would make it flow much easier
"A man of his 50's,"--in his 50's maybe?
"So Gapwide used an eye to him"--the wording for this was just a little confusing, maybe try "So Gapwide kept an eye on him" instead
"For this Man-eater was anymore tired"--this sentence was just a little confusing, so I would choose another word besides anymore, or delete it entirely ...maybe "For this Man-eater was tired"
Overall, I liked your ending sentence, and really the entire poem. It was whimsical and childlike. I plan on reading more of your work because I liked this one so much. Just look over it a few times before submitting your next work.