Young Writers Society

Hey Spaceman,

Just a few things I noticed:

Scrambling to my feet I try to move away,
Like a mouse no comma necessary here running away from an owl

Fire, as quickly andas it has began has ceased,
Scrambling to my feet I begin to run towards them who is them?

I'm not exactly sure what you are trying to say with the first line... if I read it wrong, than perhaps there is something wrong with the comma placement? I'm not too sure, maybe you ought to clarify.

Overall, a solid draft. I like the repetition of "There is nothing I can do" I think you carried the theme well, though I am puzzled by the title. To me you have presented many images of helpless animals against a stronger foe - and - and well that's it. That's all I got from this, perhaps I'm missing something, but if you want to improve this, I'd go back and clarify some places or perhaps add more to it.

Also make sure you've chosen the best words for the specific purposes you have in mind. At spots there were a lot of repetitions such as "too fast" used twice, in the first and second stanzas - whereas not used in the third - perhaps you want a different word to be used in the second stanza, or else you should use it again in the third to keep a sense of parallelism.

Hope I helped. By all means, keep writing!

~ Audy

Hi there bud.

Now as requested:

Hail, in the shape of metal shards rain down upon me
Scrambling to my feet I try to move away,
Like a mouse, running away from an owl

Firstly, your opener is not exactly attracting the reader into the poem, as your language starts off a little drab. It is curious though. It makes the person wonder what you're going to talk about so you have an interest factor for you.

The simile you use is also tedious, but thumbs up for using a simile. I'd try to go deeper, what is the owl to the mouse? A vicious, man-eating beast, a winged nightmare? Think deeper to create not only better, but more meaningful similes that create better imagery.

Fire, as quickly and it has began has ceased,
Scrambling to my feet I begin to run towards them
Like a ground hog, trying to fight a snake,
It is too fast, too smart,
There is nothing I can do

I like the first line. Nicely done.
Again drab simile. Think, would a groundhog rush towards a snake? Put more thought into your similes.

Boulders, in the shape of men, stomp over my fallen body,
With no feet to scramble too,
Like a bug, Squashed by a shoe,
It’s too large, too fierce,
There is nothing I can do.

I like the first line again.
Though I don't understand what you are saying in the second sentence, might want to clean that up a bit.

No capital S after the comma for squashed.

Well then, here we are. Hope that helped you a little bit.

Kamas