Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

I woke up in a room, I hope. I knew exactly what this was about. I was seeing a woman: a wife to a very powerful man in England actually.

There was a gun pointed to my head. A figure I couldnt quite make out, "I'm going to have fun," began the figure,"I have a gun, you are going to answer questions for me, and if you get them wrong I'm going to pull the trigger.""what happens if I get them right?" I retorted, getting up to a kneeling position. "I have six blanks and one bullet," the man continued," I don't think you will get them all right, but if you do I'll let you off, this being a warning for making me angry in the furture."

"ok," I said with fear trembling over both syllabals like dogs fighting over raw meat.

The guy answers all the questions with wrong answers, the man pulls the triggor seven times. It was all a lie.

"It was a trick!" "That was monstrous!"

"yes I believe so," Says the man as a bullet flys through the window, clean through my skull. My head hits the ground with a thump. The man walks away, whistling.

" I woke up in a room, I hope. I knew exactly what this was about. I was seeing a woman: a wife to a very powerful man in England actually."

I didn't really get this part. I had to read it a few times through, but still had trouble understanding it.

Work on your punctuation.

If you would go back later on in your story and tell what was happening leading up to all of this, then i like the fact that you don't really know what is going on.

I agree with everyone who posted before me. I think that you should actually reread what you wrote before posting it...

-The idea was okay, I guess...

I woke up in a room, I hope. I knew exactly what this was about. I was seeing a woman: a wife to a very powerful man in England actually.

Lose this, start with the hook. The above is a little messy, too. It switches tense and leaves a lot of false hooks (putting forward questions/subjects without answers, in the hope the reader will read on), like 'I knew exactly what this was about.'

There's really no excuse for not learning proper grammar and punctuation. It may seem hard, but once you do it, you'll be glad you did. Put in some time to learn the stuff, or forget about writing.

- Andy

I'm going to look at content here, rather than punctuation.

My main problem is that we're thrown right into something without any explanation. That can be quite effective, but in this case, I just have no idea what's going on.

The guy answers all the questions with wrong answers, the man pulls the triggor seven times. It was all a lie.

Just somthing I wrote in the matter of like five minutes, and plz if you wish replace the italisized juicy middle of the story with your own.

I was seeing a woman: a wife to a very powerful man in England actually.

Short. Why bother posting it? Please actually shell out a meaty piece before bringing it for the slaughter.

Some cool suspense here, though the beginning is unclear.

I woke up in a room, I hope. I knew exactly what this was about. I was seeing a woman: a wife to a very powerful man in England actually.

Green = Comments/Correction
Blue = Suggestion
Black = Review

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I woke up in a room, I hope.

I knew exactly what this was about. I was seeing a woman: a wife to a very powerful man in England actually.

There was a gun pointed to my head. A figure I couldnt quite make out, "I'm going to have fun," began the figure,"I have a gun, you are going to answer questions for me, and if you get them wrong I'm going to pull the trigger.""what happens if I get them right?" I retorted, getting up to a kneeling position. "I have six blanks and one bullet," the man continued," I don't think you will get them all right, but if you do I'll let you off, this being a warning for making me angry in the furture."

"ok," I said with fear trembling over both syllabals like dogs fighting over raw meat.

The guy answers all the questions with wrong answers, the man pulls the triggor seven times. It was all a lie.

"It was a trick!" "That was monstrous!"
"yes I believe so," Says the man as a bullet flys through the window, clean through my skull. My head hits the ground with a thump. The man walks away, whistling.

There's no easy way to put this, most of the grammar is quite wrong.

There is no introduction to the piece, and no way of us knowing what's happening.

Most of the second paragraph doesn't make sense:

There was a gun pointed to my head. A figure I couldn't quite make out.

You need an apostrophe in the middle of couldn't as it is an abreviation of could not.

"I'm going to have fun," began the figure,"I have a gun, and you are going to answer questions for me.[s], and [/s]If you get them wrong I'm going to pull the trigger."
"What happens if I get them right?" I retorted, getting up to a kneeling position.
"I have six blanks and one bullet," the man continued, "I don't think you will get them all right, but if you do I'll let you off, this being a warning for making me angry in the furture."

This sentence doesn't make sense. You could edit it to be:

"If you do get them all right, I will let you go. But that's a warning for making me angry!"

The guy answers all the questions with wrong answers, the man pulls the triggor seven times. It was all a lie.

Because the story has no middle, it's difficult to work out what happens next, even if you have told us plainly.

"It was a trick!" "That was monstrous!"

This doesn't need to be two seperate pieces of speech, it would be fine as:

[b]"It was a trick! That was monstrous!"

"Yes,I believe so," says the man as a bullet flies through the window, clean through my skull. My head hits the ground with a thump. The man walks away, whistling.

Hope that helps!

RR*