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This soul of mine so old.

by Moxipox


With skin of silk and hair of gold, her looks surpass the norm. With eyes like rubies and voice a song that angels sing when born. How can I compete with this? This beauty to his eyes. How I am to rival her? When my presence does not shine. Here I stand a willowy slip of a girl five foot five. With hair of brown and eyes the same i'm nothing but alive. He sees her clear and hangs on tight to her every word, oh lord how can I be this girl the thought is just ubsurd. Just when I have given up, its clear we cannot be. He shakes his head as if woken up and slowly turns to me. You see I may be plain outside, but inside I am gold. He saw what was blind to me, this soul of mine so old.  


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Fri May 09, 2014 4:27 pm
ivyLeonora wrote a review...



First off, I'll start with the negatives as there are WAY more positives to highlight afterwords. If this is a poem, i kindly suggest you do it the format of a poem. Also check your spelling as "ubsurd" is actually "absurd".
Otherwise this poem is just amazing. I was attracted to the title. "This soul of mine so old."
That's a line that I always say to myself, it really shows how deep you are, because from this title you'd think this poem is about depression or something along those lines. But I read the little description you added and it really showed me that you were a deep thinker. As all these thoughts flooding through your mind at the point of writing this, makes you wonder if any teenage girl thinks like this when their heart is broken. This poem is beautiful and sad. The problem of perfection. Looking at "her" and realizing you can never compete, whether or not you are good enough for "him".
I really love this poem, thank you for sharing this.




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Sun Jun 09, 2013 7:26 pm
Cassie911 wrote a review...



I absolutely adore the "old style" of this (if that makes sense). Your really good at sticking with your theme and voice, something I have a problem with. So kudos to you! The flow of it is a little bit off because of the format but thats an easy fix if thats what you want to do. I like it though very well written.

~Cassie




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Sun Jun 09, 2013 1:54 am
alliyah wrote a review...



Hi Moxipox, and welcome to Young Writers Society! Congratulations on your first post, it has a nice start, and could be really great when formated like the other reviewers suggested. Great imagery and excellent word choice. There are a few spelling issues such as capitalize 'I' in "i'm" and probablly capitalize "lord" as well. I think the title also is creative and cute.

Your poem does a nice job painting both a picture and a story, and I can't wait to read more of your work!

~alliyah~




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Sat Jun 08, 2013 5:41 pm
SmirkusDoll says...



Few spelling errors but over all really nice...try putting it in normal poetry format, it makes the lines easier to identify :) very nice!




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Sat Jun 08, 2013 3:42 pm
SocialSuicide107 wrote a review...



Hello lovely,
So this poem is really nice. I like how at the end it takes about how the guy is woken up, because in must poems, stories etc its all about loving someone who doesn't know it. I aldo love how you compared the two girls and gave us like a picture. The only thing I saw that needed fixing was the structure, but three other people have pointed that out already, so I'll leave it be. Wonderful job.(:




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Sat Jun 08, 2013 1:47 pm
therealme wrote a review...



This poem is my life! haha
I love this so much and the rhyming is excellent. I can totally relate to what you're saying and am relieved to know that I'm not the only one who thinks this way.
Of course I'm only 15, and boys my age have not yet 'woken up' to appreciated things such as a girls personality rather then looks.
I sure as hell haven't found a guy who sees me yet, but hopefully that will come sometime in the next few years (fingers crossed).
Anyways, I'm being very selfish talking about my personal life instead of your wonderful poem. I guess the main reason why I like this poem so much is because I THINK ABOUT THE SAME MESSAGE YOU'VE WRITTEN IN THIS POEM EVERY SINGLE DAY OF MY LIFE, WHICH IS KIND OF SAD.
So yeah.
I really love the descriptive words you used throughout the poem and I believe you will have a successful career as a writer if that's what you want to achieve. The only thing you may want to consider (this has been said before in previous reviews, if I can even call mine a review) is to break up the poem into stanzas to make it somewhat easier to read and more pleasant to the eye.
Okay I'm done.
And now I am going to go and follow you in the least creepy way possible because you are an awesome writer :)




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Sat Jun 08, 2013 8:29 am
ImHero wrote a review...



I don't have much time so I will keep this review to form because it is mainly what is lacking here. It is not bad specifically because content is obvious in this poem and I believe it to be the most important thing.

Splitting your paragraph into four lined stanzas may allow you to better catch your mistakes in your poem. For example, one line is a phrase that you speak together so if one phrase is too long you will be able to read it better when you split it up. A few phrases kept me pretty confused on how I should read the poem. This is why it is generally the best syntax to use some kind of recurring stanza or structure; to tell the reader how he is suppose to read it.

I am sure you know that is what a poem is but you might not be aware that your poem also has the quality of rythem thus:

With skin of silk and hair of gold,
her looks surpass the norm.
With eyes like rubies
and voice a song that angels sing when born.

How can I compete with this?
This beauty to his eyes.
How I am to rival her?
When my presence does not shine.

Now the true flaws are easier to see. For example, the last line of the first stanza seems to long and it is a mouthful to say. Remember the art in poetry is the way the poem is said, it is what makes it different then any other piece of writing. I would just like to point out that the content is always more important in ANY piece of writing but the form and the way it is said can evoke emotion in the reader.

The main difference with poetry and any other form of writing is that it is suppose to have rhythm and sometimes rhyme scheme. It is not like you are posting a video where we can read what is in your mind and how you say it. Things have to click for the reader to stay interested and think your poem is art.

The way you make the way it is said known to the reader is by breaking up lines at naturally occurring intervals and using punctuation to insinuate pause breaks.

For instance:

"Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered weak and weary,
Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore,
While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.
`'Tis some visitor,' I muttered, `tapping at my chamber door -
Only this, and nothing more.'"
-famous poem by Edgar Allen Poe

You should be reading this piece in phrases, it has been established in a form that is easy to understand and read the way Poe intended it. I suggest if you are confused to watch a youtube video about how they read it. They should be reading it like this :

Once upon a midnight dreary, [pause, 1st phrase because they are separated by comma]
while I pondered weak and weary, [pause, 2nd phrase because of line break and comma]
Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore, [pause, last phrase]
The last line should be said a little faster. Poe intended most of it to be a mouthful.


Anyways I would like to explain that every person has there own idea about what poetry is and how to write it, I am just giving you mine. I am a strong believer that there is no harm done by sharing perspective to writing. I would be happy, if you choose to give this a edit based on my feedback to come by and ask for another review for other aspects like grammer, content, evoking emotion and more.

Thank you,
YWS HERO, IMHERO




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Sat Jun 08, 2013 7:45 am
Blackwood wrote a review...



Firstly I think that for this poem you need to make it into poetic stanzas. At the moment it seems to be a block of text which, even if it was intentional, is unusual.
This is how I would divide it.

"With skin of silk and hair of gold, her looks surpass the norm.
With eyes like rubies and voice a song that angels sing when born.

How can I compete with this? This beauty to his eyes.
How I am to rival her? When my presence does not shine.

Here I stand a willowy slip of a girl five foot five.
With hair of brown and eyes the same i'm nothing but alive.

He sees her clear and hangs on tight to her every word,
oh lord how can I be this girl the thought is just absurd.

Just when I have given up, its clear we cannot be.
He shakes his head as if woken up and slowly turns to me.

You see I may be plain outside, but inside I am gold.
He saw what was blind to me, this soul of mine so old. "

Check up your grammar. I would add a few extra words into some lines to help the rhythm.
For example: "Here I stand, a willowy slip of a girl at five foot five."
I added in a comma and the word 'at'.

Your descriptions are nice. Except "With eyes like rubies"
Are her eyes red? I know you want to compare her eyes to gems but I think you should use an eye coloured gem. Some with two syllables include emeralds, opals, topaz, jade.

Read it out loud to yourself. You may want to add or subtract little words to match up the syllables.




Moxipox says...


Thanks everyone for the constructive criticism, I love when people are honest and helpful. I will take the advice and work on my writing skill :) Thanks and please break apart some other work when I submit it, it is the only way I'll get better! :)




The best and most beautiful things in the world can not be seen or even touched - they must be felt with the heart.
— Helen Keller