This is a short scene of a fan fiction I was working on. I just wanted to post something, also, you all could see my writing style and help me with any mistake or problem. I don't own the setting or the character Héctor, it belongs to Fire Emblem, developed by Intelligent Systems and published by Nintendo.
I do own the original character Jina. I know this is a basically a fan fiction but I plan on posting my original work soon. It's the first time I show to people something that I have writen, so, sorry for the long explanation.
She couldn’t believe the predicament she was in. How in heaven, was it that she of all people, got herself caught? Oh, she knew of course, it was all that idiot, good for nothing, brute lord’s fault. She had told him of course, her brilliant plan, if she could say so herself, but no, as always, his stubborn self couldn’t agree with her. He knew she was right, he knew her plan was completely perfect. What else was to be expected from her grand genius mind? Only perfection of course, but he had to go and spoil her fun prohibiting her from executing her plan. Prohibiting her? Who the hell did he think he was? Ordering her around like if she were one of his stupid subordinates, or even worse, one of his subjects!
Jina struggled with the ropes that tied her hands and feet. She was good with knots, but surely this was just ridiculous. The bastards tied her like a damn burrito. Still, she was a little grateful, being tied like this meant no one trying to rip off her pants. They just wrapped her in ropes and dumped her inside a chest, a smelly, full of dust, dark, humid chest. She tried to chew on her lower lip, and grunted in frustration, she was also gagged with a not so tasty piece of cloth that reeked of sweat. A tiny little tear ran down her cheek, she wasn’t -no way in hell- crying. It was the dust in the coffer that made her eyes itch and she couldn’t even scratch them. It was almost as annoying as Héctor... almost.
Fine, fine, now that she was all alone in that dark forsaken place she should at least admit that it had been a tiny wee bit foolish from her part to storm in the enemy fortress by herself, but she was angry. If only that oaf had agreed with her plan. She would have arrived to that place prepared and more importantly with reinforcement. It would have been a piece of cake. That place wasn’t that well guarded and they would have gotten an upper hand in all that bullshit of attacking Bern, but what really, really got on her nerves was that stupid move Héctor put on her. She wasn’t so stupid as to fight her way in, she had an actual plan for going alone. She had poisoned their water supply, so when she entered, they will be weak, but no, that stupid man had swamped all her ‘magic powder’ -like she liked to called it- with some harmless something! Whatever it was.
Her stomach growled, god, she was so hungry, how long has it been since she last eaten? Let's see, she ate almost three hours before entering the little fortress, and that was… When? Two days ago? Three? She didn’t knew, for all she knew it could have been only one day, but been in there, all cramped in the dark confinement had mess up with her time perception. She snorted and a though of moving crossed her mind but she was too tired, even sleep had eluded her in that uncomfortable position. The silence was other thing that annoyed her to the point of insanity. It was too quiet, it was just so… empty. Only the sound of her labored breath and the beating of her heart make her company, and that wasn’t even a relief.
She didn’t know when but she started to pick some sounds of footstep. She listened intently but it sounded so far, she heard what she assumed were high pitched screams but couldn’t even identified them. Maybe the bandits raided a village and kidnapped some woman. The possibility enraged her, she was there wrapped like a bad smelling diaper and couldn’t do anything. She tried to move, only achieving hitting herself against the wood of the chest. Then she stopped, she could feel it in the vibrations of the ground, something was coming her way. Something big and stomping, yeah, that was it, someone was stomping his way to somewhere… Urgh, it was so frustrating not been able to tell anything. She heard muffled voices and then… was that crying?… Who was crying? Or was that the sound of a hurt animal? Either way, it sounded horrible! Please, someone kill the thing, put that creature out of it’s misery!
“I said where is she!!?” that was a scream, a man screaming. She remained still, they were close, yes, yes, so close that she now could hear the words and the person crying, yes, it was someone crying.
“I… I don’t know! I swear!” the crying voice squeaked.
“I’m going to make you eat your own tongue if you don’t tell me now where she is!?” yelled the angry voice.
Jina’s heart quickened. Was that…? Could that be…? Was that even possible? She didn’t know if it was true or not, but she began to move, she struggled as much as she could trying to make as much noise as possible.
“What’s that?” said the voice, that blessedly familiar voice.
Then panic flooded her. What if it was just her imagination? What if it wasn’t him, but another person and her mind got the better of her making the voice sound like his? Or even worse, what if it was indeed him? He would laugh his ass off making fun of her failure; he wouldn’t let it go, ever! He will rub it in her face every time he could.
She stood as still as a statue and if she had prayed to be found now she could sell her soul to be left forgotten in there. She would eventually escape, she always manages one way or another, and it won’t be different this time. The chest she was in trembled and after a noise, the lid opened. Jina had to squint her eyes. There wasn’t a strong light, only the faint light of the oil lamps. She saw a big round shadow peeking inside the chest. She tried to scream and move but her body protested for the time she had spend bend inside the chest.
“Look what we have here? What a tasty morsel.” Jina looked at him with pure hate. “Oh, why you look at me like that? I’m your knight in shiny armor… What? Did they take your tongue? Oh, I see, you can’t talk with that gag, should I take it… mmm, no, I don’t really want to hear you scream… wait, I do want that but not like this, I think I will leave you like that for a little while. Oh, and just for the record… I told you so” Héctor said with a chuckled.
“I so fucking hate you!” Jina thought making a mental picture of strangling him.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hey Mousy,
I was interested to read this piece. It seemed from first impression, very unique. From the beginning, I was hooked in. You have a good style.
"How in heaven, she of all people, got herself caught? " was the first line that I noticed as not making perfect sense.
I think it would fit better to say something along the lines of, How in heaven, was it that she of all people, got herself caught?
Really, it is up to you.
Also, just underneath, "good for nothing, brute lord’s fault." I feel as if 'brute' is just too much. The description seems overdone, so if it were my story, I would either phrase it differently or just cut that word out.
This occurs again in the line, "from her grand genius mind", but I would let it pass, as it still flows better. Not perfectly, but better.
"Jina struggled with the ropes that tied her hands and feet, she was good with knots, but surely this was just ridiculous, the bastards tied her like a damn burrito."
So, there is one mistake that separates the good writing voices from the bad writing voices. Actually there are many, but this is one.
Your sentences must not stretch out - that is, they must not be overdone.
There's an easy way to fix it. Swap your comma for a full-stop after 'feet'. It makes a remarkable difference when you conquer this habit!
(the next sentence is also a little too much.)
"wrap her in ropes" I think should be 'wrapped'.
"...she wasn’t ???no way in hell??? crying, but the dust in the *coffer made her eyes itch and she couldn’t even scratch them, and it was almost as annoying as Héctor, almost. "
Okay, first off, "???" is, um, how do I put this: pretty much illegal, as far as I'm concerned. I know what you're trying to do, but it just looks unprofessional. A better way to write it would be, "...she wasn't - no way in hell - crying..."
Make use of the emphasis that italicised words give you!
Before, when I spoke about the long sentences, I didn't mention an easy way to know you've done it. That is the word 'and'. This word should not be used more than once, and if possible, not at all. I would rewrite your sentence so that it looked something like this.
"...but the dust in the *coffee made her eyes itch, keeping her from scratching them. It was almost as annoying as Héctor. Not quite, but almost."
"tiny wee bit", your first two words mean the same thing. I know that it is a technical term to do this, but when you're writing colloquially, it's unnecessary. I'd chuck one of them.
"but nooo!", This is like the "???" incident again. Italicise the 'no' if you want, and keep your exclamation mark. Trick is to have yourself (or someone else) reading it aloud the way you want it to sound, but having it written correctly at the same time.
"...some harmless something!, whatever it was." An exclamation point (!) is like a full-stop. A surprised, or emphasised full-stop. You can't have a comma after it. Just lose the comma and make the 'W' in 'whatever' a capital.
"how long has it been since she last eaten? **Let see,"
**Let's
"even sleep had eluded her in that uncomfortable position."
I really liked this line!
"Then she ***stop, she could feel it, in the vibrations of the ground, something was coming her way,"
***stopped. Also, you don't need a comma after 'feel it'.
“I’m going to make you eat your own tongue if you don’t tell me now where is she!?”
This does work, but I think it would sound better as 'where she is'.
"...he ****won’t let it go, ever!"
****wouldn't
"What? Did they took your tongue?"
Is it supposed to be 'take'?
All in all, it was good. To be honest, I'm not into that style, and the last line just made me want to wash your main character's mouth out with soap.
However, for the sake of the review, your writing is solid, and with a little work, you'll have it down pat.
Good job, keep writing!
NightWriter x
That's what's called a run-on sentence. [url=http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewtopic.php?f=151&t=64802 This article[/url] explains how you can fix them.