Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language, violence, and mature content.
Wantasy: A planet known as “The Wandering Planet”, or “The Wonderful Fantasy Planet”. This Planet is an invisible planet that does not orbit another planet, or asteroid. This planet has ten planets orbiting it. This planet wanders throughout the universe, with an origin that is unknown. Many theories have been made to further understand it’s capabilities of magic, harboring living creatures, size, and birth. This planet breaks many laws, and physics but theorists claim that this is only possible through the magical energy this planet produces!
Chapter One
Somewhere deep within the crust of Wantasy, inside of a cave, an unusual creature resembling a massive metal orb, and a human female stands near a safe capsule conversing. The safe capsule resembles a rocket, but also a cradle. It isn’t on, and it points towards the plunging darkness deeper within the cave. Where they are inside of Wantasy is dim and damp. The rocky walls appear slick with an unusual liquid substance, and the loud rush of a waterfall echoes, bouncing off of the cave walls. The ground below them is oddly dry, and other than the sounds of the waterfall, there an eerie silence consumes the entire area.
It smells of iron and dirt. The Joll hovers over the capsule as the woman paces a few feet away. Everything above this cave sounds muffled. When she glances at the metallic orb, her husband, she abruptly stills.
“[1]Deltis, wh-what are you doing”, she looks past him and at the capsule that still seems visible, even with the distance. “We shan’t play games; we need to hurry. At any second, something could-”, a quick, distant, immense explosion sounds from above, tickling the roof of the tunnel-like cave. Deltis, also known as a Joll, spins his metallic like body toward her, ignoring the explosion. As he does so, a dulcet noise arises from him, and two lilac lights emerge upon him as if they are his eyes.
“Elizabeth; I am preparing myself for the sendoff. This is my last chance to see her, so I need some time.” Deltis turns back toward the capsule, and after a moment of silence, he sighs. Deltis doesn’t have a visible mouth. He moves in close to Elizabeth, and his piercing lilac lights glow more vibrantly as he continues to speak.
“We are about six-hundred-thousand feet underground, so if we’re going to send [2]Thoresis anywhere in such a manner, we need to be ready.” Thoresis, a babbling baby, about twenty-one Wantasy months of age obliviously grabs at the air. Elizabeth ponders Deltis’s words profoundly. “We’re going to need that summoning that you possess inside of you, Elizabeth. I can transfer your power into-”, “B-But none of us will survive the war, without the powers activation”, Elizabeth yells and then silently begins to shake. Deltis sighs.
“E-Elizabeth…” Elizabeth’s eyes fasten onto her battle boots ignoring Deltis, as she clenches her fists. “I…I don’t want to endanger Thoresis…b-but we’re not even sure this’ll work. I’m…I’m…” She begins to weep. Such a fragile woman, and yet she so happens to be an amazing warlord for her home nation. Deltis, without hesitation, gently touches her forehead with his metallic orb body, and Elizabeth closes her eyes. Her breathing becoming calm.
Elizabeth’s forehead vibrates with a warm sensation, and it almost feels as if time froze. A slow calming buzzing noise and vibration rubs against her head, until it becomes numb. In the back of Elizabeth’s eyelids, a steady light gradually appears until she feels the need to open her eyes. When she opens her eyes, her and Deltis are suddenly in a spiritual realm, massive and beautiful. There is a big patch of land, one large tree, and a bench. The rest is a mirror-like ground that reflects the starry sky. It smells sweet in this place, and it feels cool as a cold kiss on a warm cheek.
“Elizabeth; I love you, and I want you to know that Thoresis loves you. It’s okay to be scared. I mean, I never thought I would be a father or a husband, but now that I am…I never want it to go away.” Elizabeth gazes upon a humanoid Deltis, who floats inches away from her on the grassy land platform the now appear upon. When she sees him, her eyes grow wide, and her Lucent blonde hair blows about in invisible winds. He appears as a tall, muscular man with a shiny metallic gray complexion and lilac irises.
He wore a resplendent, white, swallow-tailed tailcoat, and a glowing white suit that well compliments it. His long, flowing, pearl white hair dances above and around him like something floating in water, almost like a lion’s mane in the wind. Jolls’ are known to be beautiful in their spiritual forms.
“It’s been so long…since I’ve seen you in this form”, Elizabeth recollects her memory of his current form in awe. He smiles graciously gazing at his beautiful wife. “…Trust me. Everything will work out” She returns to reality, turning her head away from him with a vibrant blush. Elizabeth cogitates over his words, and without a long delay, she sighs and says, “Okay; I trust you. I’m ready to do the sendoff.”
Elizabeth wipes away her tears and pushes out her chest. Once the spiritual realm increases in luminosity, the two disappear and reappear back aside from the capsule near Thoresis, still oblivious and babbling.
Deltis, back in the metallic orb like form, hovers over Thoresis hastily and begins to drone.
“Elizabeth”, he calls. Elizabeth hesitantly places her hands onto him, as she closes her eyes. After a small pause, she begins to speak in a language known to be that of a powerful species. “O au lesme do meh wi no…” Markings all over her body are pale white, and they begin to shine. Deltis soon begins to glow as well.
“…xen kocano au zgen o oupe do wi les no xemzosi.” The markings on Elizabeth’s body begin to fade one after another. When she is naked of markings, Deltis begins to glow immensely. “Now, [3]Hasu”, Elizabeth directs to Deltis. “Om”, Deltis finishes, and soon after, his vibrant body strobing. As he flashes and flickers, a stream of light rushes from under him, covering Thoresis, and immediately markings appear onto her. She stops babbling and grabbing at the air, and exchanges such obliviousness for broad curiosity. Still in her cradle-like-capsule, only capable of fitting a child, she gazes at her dad’s brilliant, blinding body.
After Deltis speaks, each marking inscribes onto Thoresis, all over her body. Thoresis has several on her stomach, back, feet, and each of her limbs. The light that covers Thoresis swiftly seeps into her markings causing them to appear vibrant. Thoresis’s sapphire blue eyes shimmer with silver specks, and without much more time, Thoresis falls into a deep slumber. The glowing markings on her body dim until they are nothing more than pale white tattoos. Deltis turns back to Elizabeth, and at the same time, an even more terrifying explosion is heard from above. Elizabeth doesn’t even lift an eye. She begins to tear up.
“It is done”, she says in a cracked voice. Deltis sighs. “It’s time…to say goodbye.” He looks back at Thoresis, who now sleeps quietly in the opened capsule. Elizabeth’s guilt from her selfish desires manifests into her mind. She crouches by the capsule and smiles at Thoresis, caressing her cheek. “I don’t know what has come over me…but you will become a legend”, Elizabeth rubs her nose against Thoresis’s, and Thoresis’s lips curve slightly, forming a sleepy smile.
The mother cries of course; standing up and breathing deeply. “We love you, Thoresis”, says Deltis, as Elizabeth places one last item inside of the capsule, which appears to look like a gray ball of light. “This will soon become one of your most powerful gifts”, Elizabeth thought to herself. She pushes a button next to the entrance of the tiny capsule, and the capsule soon shut. Elizabeth and Deltis turn away from the capsule and began to walk away, and up the cave.
Whirring and droning comes from the capsule as it gradually turns on, followed by unusual thick gases pouring into it. The capsule’s legs fold into the capsule, and the capsule somehow begins to levitate a few feet off of the ground. The gases are luminescent, also strobing like a cloud of thunder, and before Elizabeth and Deltis are too far away, blazing blood red flames flare from the capsule’s exhaust nozzle, thrusting the capsule further down the cave. They gaze back at the capsule as they walk up the cave, watching it disappear into the dark. Elizabeth smiles, waves, and then turns away.
[1] Deltis: Dell-tis
[2] Thoresis: Thor-S-sis
[3] Hasu: Ha-Sue
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,007 Literary Works • 672,814 Reviews
Hi, MotherVirgo. You requested a second review so here I am.
This is miles better than the first draft. I can see that you've tightened up the pacing and taken lots of the suggestions on board, but there's still a few things that need working on. Don't fret about that - it's a normal part of the writing process. If you're not sick of the sight of your work by the end of the redrafting process, you're not doing it right!
Nitpicks
It's an improvement on the previous opening but I still think you should delete it. It's safety net writing. You're getting the background info out of the way at the beginning so you don't have to incorporate it into the story itself, which is a cop-out. Just let us learn about Wantasy through the narrative. It'll be far more interesting that way.
Also, when you say Wantasy has ten planets orbiting it, wouldn't they actually be moons? Just something I was confused about.
And breathe! This sentence is way too long, especially given that it opens the story. There's too much information to take it. Break it up or cut out some words, because there are still lots of phrases you don't need in there. You could cut it down to something like this:
Somewhere deep within the crust of Wantasy, a Joll and a human stand conversing before an open safe capsule.
Cut it down and it has more impact. You could also have:
Somewhere deep within the crust of Wantasy, a massive metal orb and a human stand conversing in front of an open capsule.
Either would work. I think I prefer the second, because the idea of a metal orb having a conversation with someone would be immediately intriguing to me. You can mention that it's called a Joll a bit later.
Awkward expression. Perhaps 'it points towards the base of the cave' or something like 'it points towards the plunging darkness deeper within the cave', if you're feeling a bit fancier.
1) You don't need to remind us that they're inside Wantasy. You've told us. You can just tell us that 'the cave is dim and damp' or something.
2) Are the walls made of that sort of glassy stone that looks wet when it isn't, or are they actually slick with liquid? If they're actually wet, use 'are' rather than 'appear'.
3) Rather than just saying as if it sounds like a waterfall is near, perhaps incorporate something specific about the noise. Is it rushing, splashing, pattering? Does the sound echo against the cave walls? Try to ground yourself more in the moment.
With all those things in mind, the edited quote might look like:
The cave is dim and damp, its rocky walls slick with liquid, and the rush of a waterfall echoes from a little way off.
Avoid 'seems' in contexts like this. It's either silent or it isn't. 'An eerie silence consumes the area' would be just fine.
She stills? One word is better than three.
You mean 'past'.
There's still a lot of lingering tense issues. It should be 'spins' and 'arises'.
And again. The double use of 'became' is also quite repetitive. You could rewrite it as:
Her breathing becomes calm.
Elizabeth's forehead warms, and time seems to freeze.
Should be 'feels'. Aside from the tense problems, this section where they move into the spirit world is much better. The transition is far clearer than it was.
You don't need the comma.
Again, tenses. Should be 'sees' and 'grow'.
1) What do you mean by 'well fit'? Because I can't help but read it in a gobby Essex accent and giggle.
2) Choose either 'skin' or 'complexion', don't have both.
3) If you mention irises, we know you're talking about eyes.
Quite a strange image. I'm literally just imagining her gritting her teeth and then the tears zooming off her cheeks. You'd get the same point across if she just wiped the tears away and drew herself to her full height or something.
Delete this line. You don't need it.
Awkward phrasing. Maybe have something like:
The white markings covering her body begin to glare.
Tenses! You mean 'begins'.
You're implying that an infant and a ten-year-old belong to different categories, which is odd. Just say 'only capable of fitting an average ten-year-old'.
Tenses. Should be 'comes' and 'turns'. I don't think you need to state that whirring and droning are sounds, either, so I'd recommend you cut the bits I've struck out.
Tenses.
They're a bit repetitive, these last two lines. You mention the cave and moving up it twice. Perhaps you could have something like:
They gaze back at the capsule as they walk up the cave, watching it disappear into the dark. Elizabeth smiles, waves, and then turns away.
Overall Points
1) You still need to sort out your dialogue. You have to start a new line whenever someone new speaks, separating it from the rest of the prose. Read this article for a quick crash course in how to format dialogue.
2) Self-editing in general is something you should get used to doing. Read the whole thing aloud and cut down what you can. It's better than it was but there are still a lot of awkward sentences and strange bits of phrasing.
3) Try to write less to the capacity of the reader. It's a strange thing, but the best writers almost give the impression of ignoring their audience. They write as if the reader already understands what they're talking about, or as if they don't really care whether they understand or not. They obviously aren't really doing that, but they answer the reader's questions so subtly that you don't really notice it.
Think of it by way of an acting metaphor. When someone is acting on stage, they're doing it for the massive audience, but they never look at them or pay them any noticeable attention. That's what you have to do in writing. Every time you chip in with a bit of exposition - like you did by explaining that the creature is called a Joll and a Joll looks like a big metal ball - you look down the lens and acknowledge your reader. Instead, try to find a way of incorporating information in a way that exists for something other than the reader's benefit. It's not easy and god knows it's not something you can learn overnight (I've been writing about ten years and doubtless I've still not got the hang of it) but it's something to keep in mind.
I'll leave it there. Hope this helps! It's a shame you won't be publishing on YWS more, but I wish you the best with the story.
Keep writing!
~Pan
Don't worry, I revise what's already here, thanks to you. I find the: "And breath!" part funny. Anyway, this was more constructive than any of the critiquing I've had this whole time being here. I'll send you a message when I re-edit this. Thanks.
By the way, the planets orbiting Wantasy are like our planets orbiting the sun. Wantasy's moons are inside of Wantasy because it's huge.
Also, you mentioned dialogue many times. I think that If I started a new paragraph for every time a new set of quotes started, some paragraphs would just be sentences.
There's nothing wrong with paragraphs being just sentences, so don't worry about that. There's no rule for how long a paragraph should be. I'm glad the review was helpful!
Yeah, you are helpful. Please...stick around. I think you'll come in handy...I'll even shout you out if I publish this as a real book one day.
Quite the proposal!
I'm serious. I really want this story to be good, and you're a talented proofreader. With this being said; I make this proposal genuine. Also, I just edited both of the chapters.
If you wanna read any more you can do it through anything you choose, BUT this site.
I will consider it, though between my own novel writing and YWS reviewing I'm not sure I could commit to critiquing an entire book. Nevertheless, I'll try to keep up with it.
Well...the newer chapters will only be uploaded on Wattpad.
Hi, MotherVirgo. I'm Pan and I'll be frying up a review for you today.
I like the premise of this. Physics aside, the idea of an enormous planet intrigued me, and I can tell from this chapter alone that you have a brilliant mind and expansive imagination. You've clearly taken time to develop a complex and unique setting which you understand in detail, and I look forward to seeing you explore every nuance of it.
The first issue that leapt out at me was the first two paragraphs. Like a lot of fantasy writers, you fall into the trap of opening with exposition and information about the setting. You tell us that a war is about to start, what the war is about, embellishing it with specific details about Star Songs and species and any number of things we can't understand yet. It feels like you're pushing the background info on us just to get it out of the way. It's overwhelming and it's not interesting. Nobody wants to read the background detail about a world they aren't invested in yet. Leave it for when we've settled into the story.
So I'm going to be frank. Delete the first two paragraphs. Start the story where it starts - which is with Deltis and Elizabeth. That's the point at which you captured my attention. Time isn't on your side in an opening chapter; you need to hook your reader quickly and get them into the narrative, and the best way to do that is to start with an active scene.
With that advice in mind, I'll get into the meat of the review. I'll start with nitpicks in the third paragraph and beyond then close with some general pointers. Here we go.
Nitpicks
First things first: show don't tell. Resist the urge to clarify the reasons behind your characters' behaviour, because doing that takes the reader out of the story. Just show the reader what the character is doing and let them read between the lines for themselves. If you tell us she's pacing, we can figure out she's probably anxious, and then we ask ourselves 'but what is she anxious about?' and you have your first dramatic question. More ambiguity = more intrigue.
You need to start new lines whenever someone new speaks. It makes dialogue much easier to read.
You don't need to tell us that she continues to speak - we can tell that from the fact that her dialogue continues. I'd delete the whole quote. It's not necessary.
Again, you don't need to tell us that she's attempting to speak and is interrupted. We can glean that from how her dialogue is cut off. If you said something like this:
“We cannot fool around; we must go soon. At any moment something could-”
A distant explosion tickles the roof of the cave.
With all the unnecessary information removed, it flows much better. Trust your reader to follow the story without having to be spoonfed, because it will make your writing so much more effective.
Watch your tenses. You slip into the past tense several times over the course of the chapter, so look out for that when you proofread.
Again, you're telling too much. If you tell us that she looks down at her boots, we can guess she's trying to avoid some problem, or that she's afraid of something. You don't need to tell us what emotions are passing through her; we can work it out from the context.
I agree with LeutnantSchweinehund on this one. You do use words that are too obscure - this one doesn't even have an Oxford English Dictionary Online entry. I don't mind using unique words if they genuinely capture something that no other word does, but there are plenty of adjectives in the vein of 'attractive'. 'Beautiful', 'glorious', 'resplendent' - there's a multitude of synonyms that would convey the same thing without the confusion.
When readers come across needlessly unusual words, they are jolted out of the immersion, even more so if they have to go and google it. That's not ideal. I'm not saying you have to write to the capacity of a five-year-old, but there's no need to be obscure for the sake of it. Simple is not bad.
This sentence is packed. I had to read it a few times to get a sense of what it was saying. I'm still not sure what 'Elizabeth's eyes free from such captivation' means, and the rest definitely needs trimming down. If you had something like:
Elizabeth gazes upon a humanoid Deltis, who floats inches away from her on the cloudy platform they stand upon.
Twenty eight versus nineteen words. Having less makes it easier to understand, no? Editing is what you take out, not what you put in.
Not sure what you mean here. 'Make ends meet' means 'have enough money to live on', doesn't it?
You don't need that middle clause.
What else would legs do?
The last line is too cheesy for my taste, as well as being unnecessary. I'd delete it, but it's up to you.
General Points
1) Parts of the chapter are confusing. The transition from the real world to the spirit world is too sudden for me. You could stand to draw a little more attention to the change and let it take place slightly more gradually, just so the reader can follow it without being like 'wait, what?'
2) The both the unparagraphed dialogue and tense slippage are easily fixed but urgent. The tense slippage gets worse towards the end of the chapter, so make sure you give it a good comb through. Present tense is a tricky one to write in, but you'll get used to it soon enough - and then, if you're anything like me, it'll be past tense that you keep slipping out of.
3) Resist the urge to clarify both tiny things and large ones. We don't need to know the history or the circumstances of the war straight off the bat. We don't need to know that Elizabeth is pacing because she is anxious. When I'm writing, I generally try to describe the scene as if I'm a fly on the wall, able to hear and see what's happening but not fully able to know why. Maintain an outsider perspective, because that's what the reader has, and don't dip too much into what the characters are thinking. It helps the reader feel part of the scene when they're just seeing it play out as it is.
I'll call the review there, I think. The story has real potential and I'd love you to let me know when the next chapter goes up. I hope I wasn't too harsh, but I'm an absolute butcher when it comes to editing my own work and that seeps through into my advice. If you've any questions about what I said, don't hesitate to ask.
Keep writing!
~Pan
*Tackles and smooches* Thank youu! I know, there are more errors than there are perks, and I know I shouldn't write. I know I don't have talent, but I've been itching to post this. Bare with me, because you may need to help me correct more. I'm probably never going to make a story because critics will only micro manage my work, but that's what they're supposed to do. Anyway, you helped me big, and I will consider your corrections. So much love.
CYA~
Never say you shouldn't write and never say you don't have talent! The only way people get better at writing is by creating things and asking for guidance, and that's what you're doing.
This is exactly what I was told when I said that about drawing. The problem is that it isn't an interest of mine...yet.
Hey, please read it once I edit it!
I'll give a quick review. But first of all... Astronomy nerd rant.
I know it's fantasy and all, but 512 million SM is far too much, even for fantasy. Considering that stars around 200 Solar masses usually have their outer layers swept away due to immense pressure coming from the core, effectively destroying the star, this could only possibly be explained with magic of sorts. I mean, it's about 2.5 million times more than the most massive stars. I imagine a planet of that mass would collapse into a black hole instantly.
Rant over. Now to the story itself!
There's one glaring problem that I must mention. It feels more like reading a concept/script for a story rather than an actual story. You tell us some things about the world, but rather plainly and without many examples. I get that setting up a story of this scale can be difficult, but it really has to be done more organically. It does get better in the fourth paragraph, but it could still use improvement.
You mention "The Joll," and I sort of got the impression that it's a huge steel orb? But then you say it's a man. I think it might be an issue with punctuation, but that confused me a bit.
There's also an issue with some words you use. While it is good to have a wide vocabulary, there are certain words that are too unknown to be used effectively. You'll know them when you see them. More often than not, if you've never seen the word used in any literary work, it's best avoided.
The names are very exotic and difficult to remember. That tends to be a problem with lots of fantasy stories.
The concept itself seems decent enough. The thing with 512 MSm is far-fetched and possibly too unbelievable, even for fantasy. But it's a purely subjective thing.
So there you go. If you edit it a bit, fix the flow problems, some overall rigidness and punctuation issues, you'll be good to go.
Good luck!
I love you!.....Ok, now that I get that out of the way, let me break it down:
1. I know it's fantasy and all, but 512 million SM is far too much, even for fantasy. Considering that stars' around 200 Solar masses usually have their outer layers swept away due to immense pressure coming from the core, effectively destroying the star, this could only possibly be explained with a magic of sorts. I mean, it's about 2.5 million times more than the most massive stars. I imagine a planet of that mass would collapse into a black hole instantly.
There is a star that is 512 million times the size of the sun. With that being said, it is possible, and surprisingly its Antares. Moving pass that, I understand that you believe it would have to use a source of magic to keep it from rupturing, and collapsing on itself, but guess what; you're right! The core, Ebeli No Vaxino in itself keeps the planet from that situation because its energy has the unusual power within itself. Also, Wantasy is a giant war machine, and with that being said, It's not just some measly planet. There is more to why this is the way it is, but thanks for your concern.
2. There's one glaring problem that I must mention. It feels more like reading a concept/script for a story rather than an actual story. You tell us some things about the world, but rather plainly and without many examples. I get that setting up a story of this scale can be difficult, but it really has to be done more organically. It does get better in the fourth paragraph, but it could still use improvement.
I wasn't attempting to explain it at its max. There is a reason why it's plainly described, but if you read, and if you get into the crooks and crannies you'll catch why it's so dry. Basically, read between the lines. Don't worry, by the way. The story doesn't stay that way...I hope...
3. You mention "The Joll," and I sort of got the impression that it's a huge steel orb? But then you say it's a man. I think it might be an issue with punctuation, but that confused me a bit.
I may need to describe him a bit better, but If you didn't see, it does say that a Joll would appear as a giant metallic orb, but when she connected with him, they not only appeared in a different place but he also somehow took the form of a man. With this being said, I think you read it too fast.
4. There's also an issue with some words you use. While it is good to have a wide vocabulary, there are certain words that are too unknown to be used effectively. You'll know them when you see them. More often than not, if you've never seen the word used in any literary work, it's best avoided.
This one's simple. I use the bigger vocabulary for a smaller audience. Those words are the best way to describe the situation. If you don't live in the modern world, then I can understand, but at most points, people can either take context clues or google to their aid.
5.The names are very exotic and difficult to remember. That tends to be a problem with lots of fantasy stories.
It's not supposed to be easy. It's a different world...that's what makes it original.
!!TO THE POINT!!
I think that my story may be too heavy for you, however, it could just be because...ITS THE FIRST CHAPTER. Anywho, I dont know if you simply wrote this for points, or to genuinely help me, but whatever your intentions were, I am thankful. *Smooches* Anywho, stay tune for more~
http://www.abovetopsecret.com/forum/thread545802/pg1 FOR # 1
I'm an avid Lovecraft reader and have indulged in the Silmarillion. Heavy vague is my cup of tea, believe me.
Ah yes, you said size, not mass. Well, that explains it. A star has a mass limit of around 200 Solar masses. Those stars are usually red giants, which are stars with huge volumes but tiny densities. They aren't on the main sequence, and belong to the top right corner on the HR diagram. Just a fun fact. Still, if it were to retain its status of "planet," and I imagine you mean a terrestrial planet with water, it should be, at most, around twice the mass of the Earth. That means it'll be huge, but the density will be near zero. Gravitational acceleration at the surface would also be very weak, meaning there's likely no atmosphere. I'm telling you this because I think it could be incorporated into your story. Perhaps these things could even enhance it? Just an idea.
I understand what you were going for with plain descriptions. It's easier to set up that way, of course. No problem with that, provided you can pull it off. However, it still needs to be organic and fun to read. I find that's a problem many grand books (ex. The Bible, The Silmarillion). Of course, if that's only the first chapter, I imagine the next will flow better. That can be an issue with posting a novel chapter by chapter. People can't really know what the whole novel will generally be like, and may get the wrong impression. Often times, the first chapter is the most important.
As for the names, fair enough. It's just a personal preference. For example, ASOIAF, a series I quite enjoy (although I may not agree on politics with its author), does names really well. They aren't the same as our names, but similar enough to sound nice when said. It is just a personal preference though.
I write reviews to help people, since I rarely post my own works anyway. I've got all the points I'll ever need to finish my Lovecraftian short story compilation. Chapters are long though, and are often overlooked, so I thought a review is in order.
Good luck with the story, my friend!