Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
I'm that kid. The kid that sits in the back of the room, not talking, not laughing. Just sitting. I'm silent. I always thought my life was terrible from getting my scar to my dad passing away. I even thought I had the worse life possible, well up until I met Infelix Ivanovna.
I'm that kid. The kid with a terrible life that never had friends. Why do I think I have a bad life? My Ma passed away when I was four, and in the 7 years, 11 months, and 21 days after that, I have moved 6 times. Only, make that seven. When I turned 12, my Pa sprung a "birthday" present on me, a seventh move. At least, I thought I had the worst life ever, until I met Tracy Jackson. Oh, and I almost forgot, another reason I think my life is terrible? Infelix means unlucky in Latin.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hello, MotherRussia! Lupa here for a review!
Let's begin...
Welcome to YWS and keep writing!
1) I don't exactly get why this is a chapter. This is only a short information dump on a reader, and there's not much in here that can symbolize an exposition. Give me some dialogue and some interaction between the characters.
2) I agree with MissGangamash about Infelix's name. There isn't really a reason for a person to name their child Infelix. You can come up with something more subtle to name your character, or just drop the "unlucky name" thing in general. I think you're making it too obvious to your reader.
3) The ending is abrupt and doesn't really end your chapter as well as it should. Make this work longer and add in the things that I mentioned in number one. The last thing you do should be to tie it off nicely, not in a way that leaves your reader hanging.
Overall, your notion of two unlucky people meeting is nice, but how you build on that should be even better. I hope I didn't come across as harsh or mean (because I really didn't mean to), and PM me if I did!
XOX,
Lupa22
Hello! Here to review!
So, this is pretty confusing. It wasn't until the end when I realised the two paragraphs are two different people. I'm guessing the first is Tracy and the second is Infelix? I would put a break between the two paragraphs so the reader knows you've changed POV. Maybe just using *** or _______, it just makes it easier to follow.
This also reads more like a blurb than the start of a novel. I'm not a fan of this sort of beginning, where the narrator is basically saying 'I've had a horrible life, feel sorry for me, wah'. It makes me not empathise with them because they're just whining at me. I much prefer, if your narrator does have a horrible backstory, for them to feed it in through time or, if you do just want to let it all out in one go, have the narrator telling someone in a heart to heart conversation. That is more effective because then you have more to it, you have your character confiding in someone, and you can add emotion to it by the way they are explaining things, the tone in their voice etc. You don't get that from the narrator simply reeling of their bad memories to the reader.
I'm also curious as to why you have used the name Infelix? I know now that it means unlucky in Latin but it is also just a really, really, really weird name to call your child. It seems you've only used it because it means unlucky in Latin. I don't see any reason why their parents would call their child that, unless that specifically wanted their child to be named 'unlucky' which is pretty mean... and just... weird.
Hope this helps!
Why is this rated 16 plus?