Neither pomegranate seeds nor serpent's tongue brought me here.
I can't complain that I was deceived into the throne.
Into these golden halls, you once called home.
You've left me little choice but to roam alone.
Until your memory returns to me, these days I keep it close to my chest.
Like a bird in a cage.
A pretty song bird who began to fade.
You weren't a cruel king of death, tricking me to eat blood-red seeds.
As if they grew from the souls you reaped.
Nor a serpent bidding for attention, sin lacing your tongue with every word.
Tempting me further into a land of sin in which I only half know.
But still I am plucked from my mother's land.
A once fragile flower left to wonder.
By your hand…
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125,006 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
Hey friend! Wow, I know this is one of your older poems, but I always love your writing style. You always have this mythical theme in them, which I love so much. I especially love this one. Let's jump right into the review:
First of all, I love the formatting of this. You have longer lines, so we get a lot more text in every sentence. Your sentences don't run on, which is really good, because that's some thing I see a lot in Palms. It's very well organized with periods and a mysterious ending with the… At the end. I did notice that you had an extra space after the word still in this quote above. But anyways, I want to comment on the tone that you use in this poem. I found it to be very elegant, as if you're telling an old Bible story or myth. I love the reoccurring snake or serpent that appears in this, as if it's a temptation to sin, as it only speaks sin from its tongue. I love the way you describe the serpent and the pomegranate seeds, too. We combine a few stories here, which makes it even better.
You have a lot of external descriptions, like how things happens and details of events. But I would love to see a combination of some more personal details, too. Perhaps have something feels inside, more like a reflection, or small detail to really bring us back to the present moment. But overall, I love this poem, and I love your tone. You are truly an amazing poet. Such a talent! Keep on writing.
Your friend,
Ellie
Thank you for the kind words!
Hello, I am Anorak and I'm reviewing using the YMS'more method.
Top Graham Cracker - What I Know
I'm guessing the main character was taken out of her life and forced into something cruel. Being controlled by a sick person or emperor. The main character is slowly losing hope; and being left alone. I could be completely wrong, but that's just my interpretation. ^^
Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - Room for Improvements
There isn't particularly anything that needs to be improved. I really like how you write. I just suggest looking for more creative metaphors and similes. There are many resources online for ideas. Overall, a great piece!
Chocolate Bar - Highlights of the Piece
I loved these lines:
"You weren't a cruel king of death, tricking me to eat blood-red seeds.
As if they grew from the souls you reaped.
Nor a serpent bidding for attention, sin lacing your tongue with every word.
Tempting me further into a land of sin in which I only half know."
It has great emotion and is so dramatic. It makes you wonder who they are referring to and what they have done or brought the narrator through. Great work!
Closing Graham Cracker - Closing Thoughts
This is a great piece of poetry. Even though I've never read your novel before, it gives me great curiosity as to what it's about. Wonderful work, please keep writing! <3
just saw this and i think its really good! Its nice, sweet, short, and simple. The poem is really good at conveying such a simple idea in a very short amount of time.
I think my favorite lines have to be:
"Nor a serpent bidding for attention, sin lacing your tongue with every word.
Tempting me further into a land of sin in which I only half know."
Although I do think that the repeat of the word 'sin' doesn't exactly sit well, maybe just change it for the first line! Perhaps something like 'temptation' would suit it better. Though everything else is chef's kiss!