He pursue me with groan and sigh.
In storm's laughter he pursue me still!
Until I criest out:
"Begone beauteous creature! Vex me no longer with thou cruel pursuit. Seek yonder fair rose and quench thy thirst with her loveliness and leave me to my doings so I may suffer your jests no longer!"
Answer me he did and told me:
"Why dost thou think such wretched thoughts? Yonder rose is a weed compared to thy beauty. My aim be not to vex thee, but to win thy affections! Alas a star can do not but marvel at the neglected Moon. For yonder Moon will not acknowledge its following star!"
To him I return:
"Fool is this star that thinks it fancy a moon! Hasten away with all speed it will when it finds its Moon naught but a lowly star!"
Alas he leaves not but takes a firmer stance!
"Even if its Moon bethinks itself a lowly star. This star will never leave it for she shines brighter than any celestial being!"
And then he pluck from my lips a kiss as soft as the velvet sky above.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
WOw, old english. I hardly see it anymore. But I do enjoy seeing it because when I do, usually it is writtten quite beaurifully- yours is no exseption, but to me it seems more like a short story passage then a peom. But that is just me.
Ah, interesting.
I confess that, while the surface had a good deal of beauty to it, this poem really didn't do it for me. Now, I'm a great lover of English language in all its forms, including the King James-esque that you've gone for here, but this just didn't cut it in terms of really letting the language take over. Rather, it seemed like you'd just written something and stuck in the thees and thous for the sake of it. There's so much more than that to older forms of English, and if you're going to do it justice you've got to get a better feel for the language, grammar and syntax of what you're trying to achieve: I can suggest the King James Bible quite whole-heartedly, as it contains some of the most beautiful language of the period that's to be found.
Second gripe: this just doesn't do it for me as poetry. Sure, it's vaguely broken up, but it just feels like a really short piece of prose. There's reasons for poetic convention, and this misses out on the whole huge and dynamic range of poetic techniques that are available to you: rhyme, rhythm, meter, form & structure and so many more. I know sometimes it's nice just to be open and free in what you write, but I don't think this can really be classed as poetry without some serious redrafting.
All that said, I think you've got some really beautiful ideas here that you'd do well to consider developing, you just need to get more of a feel for your language and your poetic toolbox before you try fashioning those ideas into poetry.
Hope to see more from you!