Young Writers Society

Hey there, Morrigun! I don't usually review lyrics, but since you asked I'll give it a go. This might be short, though.

There's a girl out in the graveyard
Standing watch over the dead.
Ever silent, ever steady,
All alone she bows her head
Straight away, a perfect rhythm is established. The syllables are actually perfect, it rolls off my tongue. I'll keep reading and see if there's any areas that could be changed.

She tried to tell them that she loved them even though it made her cry.
This one, though I can still keep a beat when I say it aloud, might look better split into two lines. As a poem (instead of lyrics) it looks and flows better with two. Especially since no other lines are that long.

"In memory of a young girl's
Last Goodbye."
Of course there's going to be repetition in a song, but you still did it really well that I'll point it out. Though not every stanza (I'm going back to poetry, I know XD) ends with 'last goodbye' there's still a pattern to it. Miss, include, miss, include, include... It emphasises that this is her last goodbye. Very impacting.

Every moment she was breathing
Made her die some more inside.
This is my favourite part. This song is relatable for a lot of people (and extremely relatable for others) so it would do well, I think. You've also got amazing metaphors that get these emotions across. It's a beautiful song, and I don't really know how to improve it. Are you going to sing it and show us?

Hey Morrigun!

Your piece was pretty good, and I hope this isn't written from experience, if it is I hope you're well now.

I liked how it was very cohesive and emotional, but I feel like some lines could use more emphasis or reworded to come of stronger. One line particularly that bothered me was "No longer hold onto a thing", because I feel as though the use of "thing" weakens the message.

Also I feel as though some parts were not well explained like what did she see that scarred her or was she like this because the world crushed her dreams, or she was unable to live up to her dreams under all the pressure.

Overall I enjoyed this song a lot, and I hope to see more work from you.

Thank you,
znale1

I think that this is a very emotional piece of writing. It's not bad, I think the lyrics sound good, though I think a few words could stand to be taken out to improve the flow. An example being "Those broken hands of hers

No longer hold onto a thing." I think the word 'onto' is just interrupting the flow of the lyrics.

Overall, it's quite good, though it may be considered cheesy by some because of how emotional it is.