There's a girl out in the graveyard
Standing watch over the dead.
Ever silent, ever steady,
All alone she bows her head
She is made of stone and sorrow,
And her smile has worn away.
Still she stands there in that hollow
Raindrops streaming down her face.
Those broken hands of hers
Once held on to broken dreams.
Those empty eyes of hers
Can't forget what they have seen.
And even though she's gone
She still left behind
The story of a young girl's
Last goodbye.
She was girl who dreamed in colors
A girl who sang the stars to sleep.
She liked to stand along the edge and
Dare herself to make the leap.
But the world was far too heavy
And she broke under the sky.
Then she fell back from the heavens
With wilted wings and weary eyes.
Those broken hands of hers
Once held on to broken dreams.
Those empty eyes of hers
Can't forget what they have seen.
And even though she's gone
She still left behind
The story of a young girl's
Last goodbye.
Oh how she tried to show them
In the time she was alive
Every moment she was breathing
Made her die some more inside.
But when she finally reached her limit
And the clock ran out of time
She tried to tell them that she loved them
Even though it made her cry.
But no one knew,
No one really knew it was her
Last goodbye.
(Instrumental)
Those broken hands of hers,
Evermore folded in prayer.
Those empty eyes of hers
Gaze to that which isn't there.
And etched into her stone
A single simple line;
"In memory of a young girl's
Last Goodbye."
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140,104 Literary Works • 673,009 Reviews
Hey there, Morrigun! I don't usually review lyrics, but since you asked I'll give it a go.
This might be short, though.
There's a girl out in the graveyard
Standing watch over the dead.
Ever silent, ever steady,
All alone she bows her head
Straight away, a perfect rhythm is established. The syllables are actually perfect, it rolls off my tongue. I'll keep reading and see if there's any areas that could be changed.
She tried to tell them that she loved them even though it made her cry.
This one, though I can still keep a beat when I say it aloud, might look better split into two lines. As a poem (instead of lyrics) it looks and flows better with two. Especially since no other lines are that long.
"In memory of a young girl's
Last Goodbye."
Of course there's going to be repetition in a song, but you still did it really well that I'll point it out. Though not every stanza (I'm going back to poetry, I know XD) ends with 'last goodbye' there's still a pattern to it. Miss, include, miss, include, include... It emphasises that this is her last goodbye. Very impacting.
Every moment she was breathing
Made her die some more inside.
This is my favourite part. This song is relatable for a lot of people (and extremely relatable for others) so it would do well, I think. You've also got amazing metaphors that get these emotions across. It's a beautiful song, and I don't really know how to improve it. Are you going to sing it and show us?
Funnily enough, that one line you pointed out WAS supposed to be in two lines. Thank you for pointing it out! XD And Perhaps I will, I'm not the greatest at singing and my progress on getting music for it is slow, but it's worth an attempt. Thank you so much for your kind words and I appreciate the review.
Hey Morrigun!
Your piece was pretty good, and I hope this isn't written from experience, if it is I hope you're well now.
I liked how it was very cohesive and emotional, but I feel like some lines could use more emphasis or reworded to come of stronger. One line particularly that bothered me was "No longer hold onto a thing", because I feel as though the use of "thing" weakens the message.
Also I feel as though some parts were not well explained like what did she see that scarred her or was she like this because the world crushed her dreams, or she was unable to live up to her dreams under all the pressure.
Overall I enjoyed this song a lot, and I hope to see more work from you.
Thank you,
znale1
Thank you!
I unfortunately can not tell you this wasn't written from some kind of experience, but I appreciate your concern. I am all right, though, for all intents and purposes.
You're right about that line, I struggled with the last stanza a little bit. I'm working on ways to make it fit better. I'm open to any suggestions anyone has!!
As for what was scarring her; I do now realize this is a little bit shrouded and I think it would do best to address that somehow, but the summary of the song is that she suffered from clinical depression and other disorders that affected her so greatly, without proper help and support she ended up committing suicide and her headstone was a statue of her image. It wasn't so much that something happened to her, sometimes those things affect a life that hasn't had a reason to be affected.
I appreciate your feedback and thank you again so much <3
I think that this is a very emotional piece of writing. It's not bad, I think the lyrics sound good, though I think a few words could stand to be taken out to improve the flow. An example being "Those broken hands of hers
No longer hold onto a thing." I think the word 'onto' is just interrupting the flow of the lyrics.
Overall, it's quite good, though it may be considered cheesy by some because of how emotional it is.
Thank you for your review!
I agree with you on the struggle in word flow, I haven't quite figured out how to make it fit exactly as I wanted. I struggled with the last stanza most. If you have any other suggestions I would be more than willing to hear them, my own creativity only stretches so far you know? hahaha.
Again, thank you so much for your review! Have a lovely day.