Published December 21, 2004
This was an essay for my Composition III class last year. Enjoy!
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Bathing in olive oil is like preparing oneself for the cannibal’s thanksgiving. It is similar to rub-bing a turkey with butter, except for the fact that cannibals know how to prepare their meals a bit more health consciously than most Americans do. It would be safe to say that cannibals probably don’t eat many Americans for this reason. Regardless, the olive oil adds flavor and tenderness to the human and is also far more healthy on the cannibalistic diet.
Well, bathing in olive oil isn’t quite like that. It’s a lot like wrestling with a shaven monkey on newly formed ice. A person must be careful that he or she doesn’t slip upon getting in or out of the bathtub, lest a concussion or similar damage should occur. Shaven monkeys can be terribly irate. In the actual bath, however, it would be difficult to stay seated in any one position, if only because the lubricating factor of the olive oil is so high.
Really, though, bathing in olive oil probably wouldn’t be much like that at all. Bathing in olive oil is rather similar to owning a VCR when one doesn’t even own a television. A person can tell all their friends about the new VCR and tout the purchase like some big game prize, but it really serves no function whatsoever. Bathing in olive oil is of no value other than for someone to brag that he or she bathes in olive oil. Add a TV and a video to your VCR, however, and you’ll be having a good time. Likewise, add some water and eggs to your olive oil and you’ll be bath-ing in mayonnaise.
Of course, upon further inspection, we could see that bath-ing in olive oil is a lot more like waxing a hotrod for that perfect shine. Enthusiasts each use their favorite blends of wax, some exotic and some more down-to-earth. Of course, bathing in olive oil is like waxing a hotrod with aloe vera, but it’s possible to attain valuable ef-fect from such a regimen. An authoritative answer requires more research. Even so, bathing in olive oil provides a beautiful shine to any skin. Some of us bathe BMWs and some Chevrolets, but either way, olive oil gives a nice luster.
In reality, though, bathing in olive oil is like having sex. It’s an awkward experience the first time, but it’s not necessarily a poor experience. With time and more exposure to both sex and bathing in olive oil, a person becomes more accustomed to – and affectionate for – the process. Of course, this brings up the possibility that certain people could become addicted to bathing in olive oil. It also begs the question as to whether or not soci-ety might perceive bathing in ca-nola oil as immoral. Obviously, it all boils down to a matter of per-sonal preference…
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Wow, what a beautiful article. Reading this may have actually changed my life.
Jumping right in, the first paragraph already has me questioning my culinary preferances. Although I would prefer not to become a cannibal, the way you describe their feasts is quite tempting. I am in America, though, so my supply of food would be quite limited.
I must say, even with your beautiful descriptions, it is hard for me to imagine wrestling a shaven monkey. It must be somewhat like fighting my little brother, which I have much experience in. I do understand the dangers of slipping in the oil, though. I have fallen out of the normal bathtub on many occasions, and I can imagine that oil would cause many more falls.
Okay, so you invalidate your other points. You had my hopes up for olive oil bathing. I would have thought it would at least moisturize my skin or something. I do love mayo, though, but only on sub sandwiches. I imagine bathing in mayo would be a different experience all together.
Okay, so it does offer skincare benefits! That's great! Me personally, I think I would be a lambroghini, if you were to ask me.
I think I would rather like bathing in olive oil, especially now that you tell me it might me addicting. Canola oil is immoral, thank you, but I pose another question - what about coconut oil?
Thank you for this wonderful experience - this might be the best article I've ever read!
Thankee!! This was one of my favorite essays to write.
And oddly enough, *I* haven't even bathed in olive oil. Yet. But after writing this, I think I might want to try....
Very..erm..interesting...I think that it is well written and I dont have any real critiscim (sorry but it was good!). Oh...one more thing...even though it was good, I wont be bathing inolive oil in the near future:)
A modest proposal?
I don't think I'll be bathing in olive oil anytime soon, despite the varied points and benefits from it I have learned from your post. But it makes for a good laugh and an interesting read. It's not quite like a Modest Proposal, but it is kinda similiar.
Good work.