I ran, ran, and ran until my lungs ran out of air
I ran until only the chirping of birds gets into my ear
And then I shouted and cursed this freakin' world
Then one by one I opened all my scars and wounds.
I cried aloud that my throat felt like it's going to break
I cursed all the darn people who caused me this
I searched the depth of my heart and it's full of hatred
I then kneeled and prayed and wished they're all dead.
My emotions, I turned them all into words and tears
Then suddenly my entire being shivered with pure fears
I'm not in pain, no, it's something more intense than that
So intense that even the blood running in my veins cried.
I got up, looked up, I closed my eyes, then whispered
"Right now I don't need a God. What I need is a friend!"
And then I was relieved and I stretched my lips into a smile
It's so good to release all your bad emotions once in a while.
I then faced the world with a light heart, no pain nor sorrows
I smiled to people, knowing from the bottom of my heart it's true
I cheered my friends, though they're nowhere when I needed them
I thank those kind people, though they want something in return.
But I don't mind, I will no longer entertain negative things
And then this friend suddenly rushed in front as me crying
He said, "I have a problem, and I need someone who can listen"
I looked up and muttered, "Good God, I'm just done with my own drama!"
Hey there, Moriko,
Now, I don't call myself a poet, but I thought I would take a stab at saying something about this poem. I thought it was incredibly emotionally charged, and that's always a good starting point, so I figured I would offer a few suggestions on polishing it up to get that fierce emotion across as well as possible.
Okay, so first up, rhyme. I know that not all poetry has to rhyme, but there were a few places in this piece that threw me, because there were some lines that rhymed, and then some that didn't. For example, you have rhymes in tears/fears but not in that/cried, and then in the next verse, whispered/friend are notrhymes, but smile/while are. Perhaps these cropped up by accident, but the overall effect is one of inconsistency, and it feels a bit weird to read. I guess I'd suggest either finding a consistent rhyme scheme, or finding a way to cancel out these odd rhymes.
I'd also like to mention rhythm. Regardless of rhyme or form, I find that if a poem falls into a natural rhythm, it feels like it flows a lot better. The easiest way to find the rhythm of a line is to read it aloud - for example, if I read aloud your first line, it falls into this kind of pattern:
"I ran, ran and ran until my lungs ran out of air"
The bold indicates where the stresses fall. The rhythm of this line is really good - it runs quite naturally off my tongue. But then, if I move onto the second line:
"I ran until only the chirping of birds gets into my ear"
Can you see how different this is from the first line? It's not necessarily that the rhythm of the second line is bad, but the change between the two throws me slightly, and I found my tongue tripping over it. I'd like to suggest reading the whole thing aloud, and finding places where this happens.
Finally, on subject matter - I do like the progression of this poem, moving through 'negative emotion', 'release', 'feeling better', and then the fun twist of 'other people's problems'. In any changes you might make, I think you should really hold onto that narrative, and play it up, because it gives the work a good structure.
I think that's all I have to say on this. Please feel free to message me if you have any questions about what I've said. Happy writing!
Cadi x