Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for mature content.
The faceless men entered the room. The silver guard required the password to enter, and was pleasured with their sinful fingers. The room was dead and produced a smell mixed with fear and urine. The room erupted with screams and cries of mercy as the faceless three hovered in.
The noise that poured from his orifice was hindered by the protests of the dying.
Papers were shuffled and arguments were wheezing out of their mouths.
Two large orbs were tracing the room, screaming at the site of the faceless three. The eyes could not shut, yet they failed to produce the arid sensation associated with the sensitive exposure to the acid like air. The small consciousness was detached, only for the surgical pipes that allowed it to linger on in a static prose. The tufts of fur were stained crimson and already started to produce that rich odor of decay initiated by the lack of correct paperwork.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okay, the description there of "sinful fingers' kind of sounded a little bit awkward to me, but besides that, this is a pretty neat little start to a story here, we have sort of "faceless figures" hovering into some random room past a guard, the whole faceless thing really adds a lovely touch of extra mystery here, but then it looks like whatever they came in for causes a lot of just straight up death and suffering here, and that makes things even more interesting here with some form of weird noise also coming from what I assume is guard. All in all, a pretty intense and quite mysterious opening sequence here.
Okay, well that is a very interesting set of descriptions there...looks like there's a very set of characters going on here, with the whole orbs and things being described here. The whole faceless aspect of things appears to have a lot more to it than meets the eye here.
All in all, this was a very interesting piece to read here, quite a lot of things appear to be going on here and well, it certainly seems to be the type of story that I would in fact read here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
The Messenger Knight here to review for KotGR. Happy Review Day!
So, I would just say this: re-read and find out how many times you start a sentence with "Th" Every line in the first paragraph starts with it. That makes the story seem dead. There is no originality or change in rhythm. Thankfully, this is something that can be very easily changed. All that is needed it is to switch around words a few times, and you should have it all looking good. Also, the same things happens in the second paragraph.
Now, I don't understand why there are the two lines by themselves. Is it from a poem or something? I don't know, but I would consider revising it.
I don't understand what the orbs are, but even if I did, they should probably be more described. Nothing major is needed, but if you ad in little phrases, like (these are examples for just normal people) "sh groaned, running her thin fingers through her auburn hair." Stuff like that. So The part with the eyes was a good example of this. Just add a little more of that.
I really am not sure what is happening during this story except that these orbs are circling three office workers . . . . I think. I'm not sure.
I hope this doesn't seem too harsh. I think this could be a really good beginning to a story if it's spruced up a little.
Keep it up!
This is a totally interesting character designs. I love the way you have thought about your characters, where they would be, and what they would be doing.
There are some problems with this though. It doesn't flow smoothly and it tends to stop a lot. Other than the choppiness of it, it is a fine piece of work. I only wish that I could come up with odd characters and a different world.