Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

The faceless men entered the room. The silver guard required the password to enter, and was pleasured with their sinful fingers. The room was dead and produced a smell mixed with fear and urine. The room erupted with screams and cries of mercy as the faceless three hovered in.

The noise that poured from his orifice was hindered by the protests of the dying.

Papers were shuffled and arguments were wheezing out of their mouths.

Two large orbs were tracing the room, screaming at the site of the faceless three. The eyes could not shut, yet they failed to produce the arid sensation associated with the sensitive exposure to the acid like air. The small consciousness was detached, only for the surgical pipes that allowed it to linger on in a static prose. The tufts of fur were stained crimson and already started to produce that rich odor of decay initiated by the lack of correct paperwork.

The Messenger Knight here to review for KotGR. Happy Review Day!
So, I would just say this: re-read and find out how many times you start a sentence with "Th" Every line in the first paragraph starts with it. That makes the story seem dead. There is no originality or change in rhythm. Thankfully, this is something that can be very easily changed. All that is needed it is to switch around words a few times, and you should have it all looking good. Also, the same things happens in the second paragraph.
Now, I don't understand why there are the two lines by themselves. Is it from a poem or something? I don't know, but I would consider revising it.
I don't understand what the orbs are, but even if I did, they should probably be more described. Nothing major is needed, but if you ad in little phrases, like (these are examples for just normal people) "sh groaned, running her thin fingers through her auburn hair." Stuff like that. So The part with the eyes was a good example of this. Just add a little more of that.
I really am not sure what is happening during this story except that these orbs are circling three office workers . . . . I think. I'm not sure.
I hope this doesn't seem too harsh. I think this could be a really good beginning to a story if it's spruced up a little.
Keep it up!

This is a totally interesting character designs. I love the way you have thought about your characters, where they would be, and what they would be doing.

There are some problems with this though. It doesn't flow smoothly and it tends to stop a lot. Other than the choppiness of it, it is a fine piece of work. I only wish that I could come up with odd characters and a different world.