Published May 22, 2010
The hearts of the happy
know nothing of longing
they make me feel crappy
their lovesick smiles i view
Chorus:
The past is full of pain
the future filled with holes
everything to gain
and not a thing to lose
i've walked this path before
down through oblivion
where too less is far more
my heart stolen away
The eyes of my beloved
are voracious with desire
but i know that none of it
is real- he's such a liar
Chorus
Has he sympathy?
Behind his flirt facade
is there capibility
to feel selfless love?
Chorus
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
141,455 Literary Works • 674,467 Reviews
Hi dogs
Hmm, I'm not sure what I think of this. In parts these lyrics veer off into being very ordinary love song like, but your use of metaphors and the language keep it original.
I wold like to point out that good love songs areincredibly difficult to it is write because it is by far the most popular topic.
As this song holds a great deal of pain in the lyrics, I would congratulate you on showing it well. Also the flow is a bit clunky in parts and in lyrics flow is crucial because it is meant to go with music. I would work on spacing it out a bit more to make it flow better.
verawinters
Okey Dokey Dogs here. A couple quick things about this. 1 this is poetry not a song. 2 having a chorus right after anouther chorus dosnt work so well.
Okay now what do you means by this. so the hearts dont know sadness? maybe say people or children or something different than that.okay so this ordering dosnt make so much sense. maybe say "i view their lovesick smiles" but to me that dosnt flow very well. Also dont go out of your way to make this rhyme. Sometimes rhyme affects the flow of the poetry.
But apart from those nitpicky things this looks great and has potential. KEEP WRITING!
The beginning rhyme is a little off. The lines don't rhyme at all, and there are parts in there that don't seem to work with each other. It needs a little re-wording. But in general I got the beat of the song, it's a little catchy.