I wish I was deaf,
And I didn’t hear a word.
I wish I was blind,
And didn’t see the sins of this world.
ºººº
Maybe it’d be better if my heart was made of stone.
Maybe it’d be better if I was skinned to the bone.
That way, when you would scream at me
I won’t cry like a fool and fall into misery.
ºººº
Are you happy now that I cried?
That I fell to the ground like a helpless child?
Do you want to see me bleed just to prove your point?
To break every bone in my body and to twist every joint?
ºººº
Do you want all my guts to spill out onto the tile floor?
Do you want me to surrender to you even though you already won this war?
I had nothing against you.
I tried, but I guess you think my love for you isn’t true.
ººººº
If I died tonight, would you even care?
Or even show any sign of despair?
Would you ever give me a glance?
Or even try to give me a second chance?
ºººº
Your words are more painful then the hand you used to slap against my cheek.
They’re like knives that cut me down until I grow weak.
Yet for some reason, I still think that it was I that hurt you.
That made you upset and do the things that you do.
ººººº
I’d rather be on my knees then do the things you do.
I’d rather be hurt than ever lay a hand on you.
I’ll wait until I leave the house and find a place for myself.
Then I’ll glance back and hope that you find peace for yourself.
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This legit made me cry, which I would say is a good thing because you have to have feeling into your poem. What I like about this is that you actually make the reader cry which not many writing pieces make the reader actually feel something like that, but you're beautiful architect of a poem did. Great job on that.
I see why this is called a victim's perspective because this is very well toad as a victim perspective. You would mostly find the victim innocent which that's how the poem feels. Good job on that too.
So do I have any feedback or advice, not really much of feedback. Your poem was really well written and the punctuation was beautiful. My only advice is that you keep writing and never give up.
Signed, you're clumsy little friend.
Thank you for the review. I%u2019m glad that you felt that way about my poem. I mean, I dont want you to cry, but I%u2019m glad that you felt the emotions. Lol
Hello! (Btw, this is my first attempt of a review so sorry if it's a bit shaky!)
First, I love this piece. I like how it addresses the wrongs of the Other Person and vividly shows what it's doing to Protagonist. I really enjoyed the lines, "Do you want me to surrender to you even though you already won this war?" and, "Your words are more painful then the hand you used to slap against my cheek." Because they really illustrate the complexity of the situation.
However, I did find these lines:
"That way, when you would scream at me
I won’t cry like a fool and fall into misery."
With these I would suggest changing either "Would" or "Won't" because they show two different timelines. Additionally, (although this is simply a personal preference) I would shorten the last line of the first stanza. I felt, because it was slightly longer than the first three, it didn't flow as smoothly.
I hope this was helpful! -Elizabeth
Thank you for the review..u did GREAT for your first one.