The Legend of Willow Last of the Silver Fox Demons

I see a good story brewing

But, I had a really big problem with the whole piece. You TOLD us what was happening the entire time. You never SHOWED us. I didn't get any surrounding, any smells, barley any sounds. Let me show you what I mean, along with some other points:

Salena forced her horse to run faster, they had been traveling for hours.

I don't like this line. For one I don't like the way you said she "forced" her horse to go faster. It sounds cruel, I immediately felt more sorry for the poor animal than for the running "Salena". And the way you presented your two points was confusing. Maybe if you reversed the two parts so it read like this: "They had been traveling for hours, Salena forced her horse to run faster." I think it flows better.

Nicholas her lover did the same with his horse. They were being followed, the whole magical world was after them

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The whole magical world? Cliche cliche cliche. I'm not saying change your whole plot but at least say it more creatively. And also, here is one point where you just bluntly TELL us what's going on. SHOW us, describe the surroundings, describe the way Selena's heart beat with the prospect of being caught.

They wanted Salena's unborn child, it was almost time and she knew the pain was already coming.

Again, cliche. The whole "unborn child" thing. Tell us in a way that's unique, right now it sounds like every other bad fantasy.

Salena's black hood blew off her head revealing snow white hair and white fox ears, of course she was a 'white fox demon' and Nicholas a 'black fox demon'. The only reason everbody wanted her baby was because it was going to be a 'silver fox demon' which are only born every hundred years and when the parents are 'black and white fox demons'. The silver fox demons are the most powerful beings of all magical creatures. Which is why the king wanted the child

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You must've said "fox demon" ten times in that paragraph. Avoid repeating words more than once in the same paragraph, it makes them stale and uninteresting. I would re-write this part completely. But I did enjoy the whole fox-demon lore, just not the way you presented it. And I didn't like te way you said "of course she was a 'white fox demon'" like we're all supposed to be well read in Fox demon myth.

A large man and a women came rushing out of the house "Martin Martha the baby is comming and they're all chasing us please help us." Nicholas cried out, his black hair soak and wet with sweat.

This part is confusing; at first you're not sure who is speaking, the man or the woman or Nicholas. You might've noticed I corrected the quotation marks. And I small side-note, cut the last "us" in Nicholas's dialouge, it's unnecessary and it's repeating words. Again.

"Come on we must hurry" the ones called Martha and Martin were perfectley happy with taking care of there friends.

It should be "They're" not "There". And since when are Martha and Martin friends with Selena and Nicholas? I thought they were just some random people in the village. This was confusing.

As they all rushed inside Martha and Martin's kids Hannah and Erin (the twins) were playing hide-and-go-seek. "Annah Arin both of ye go upstairs" Martin bellowed in his bad english. Hannah and Erin did as they were told and climbed the stairs to their bedroom.

I thought it was unnecessary to name the twins just yet. If they become more prominent characters than, sure, name them. But already, in the first Chapter, you've bombarded us with four new names to remember. We don't need another two. I would just call them the "twins".

It was a few hours later that Salena gave birth to a healthy baby girl, [s]this baby[/s] she had perfect ice-blue eyes, [s]but she had[/s] a small, silver, bushy tail, a head full of silver hair, and of course silver fox ears.

I made some minor changes to make this part flow better.

Nicholas and Salena already knew what to name her "Willow" after the last silver fox demon

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Isn't that kind of confusing? to name your silver fox demon after the previous silver fox demon? I think for being the most magical creature in your world each one should have a unique name.

"Martha, Martin, we must leave or they will find us, please keep Willow here until it's safe enough for us to come and get her" Salena and Nicholas were crying when they rapped Willow up in a red blanket gave her to Martha and walked out the door with out another word.

I'm not sure if the bold is exactly a run on sentence but it sure sounds like one. Punctuations is your friend!

Salena and Nicholas were about three hours away from VanderBelt, they were galloping down a dirt path when they were attacked by seven war goblins. Nicholas was in no state to fight and after a while a goblin came under him climbed up his legs and slid his throat with a iron dagger. Salena screamed in pure horror as her lover fell to ground. She was eventually tied up and bound to a wagon and sent directly to the king.

Nicholas was in no state to fight? did he just give birth or did Selena? it didn't seem very believable to me. Maybe if you showed us what the labor process what like or really told us what the chase was like we might have a better idea of what state he is in. Right now it just seems out of place.

Overall I see ALOT of potential but it needs to be tweaked. And, on a side note; SPELL CHECKER IS YOUR FRIEND. Sorry about the all caps but we have a handy one right her at YWS! use it so readers aren't confused by your spelling errors.

Keep Writing!

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