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125,007 Literary Works • 672,816 Reviews
This is really good
Me and my friend are working on a story about fox demons ( but we call them ferals).
I see a good story brewing
But, I had a really big problem with the whole piece. You TOLD us what was happening the entire time. You never SHOWED us. I didn't get any surrounding, any smells, barley any sounds. Let me show you what I mean, along with some other points:
I don't like this line. For one I don't like the way you said she "forced" her horse to go faster. It sounds cruel, I immediately felt more sorry for the poor animal than for the running "Salena". And the way you presented your two points was confusing. Maybe if you reversed the two parts so it read like this: "They had been traveling for hours, Salena forced her horse to run faster." I think it flows better.
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The whole magical world? Cliche cliche cliche. I'm not saying change your whole plot but at least say it more creatively. And also, here is one point where you just bluntly TELL us what's going on. SHOW us, describe the surroundings, describe the way Selena's heart beat with the prospect of being caught.
Again, cliche. The whole "unborn child" thing. Tell us in a way that's unique, right now it sounds like every other bad fantasy.
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You must've said "fox demon" ten times in that paragraph. Avoid repeating words more than once in the same paragraph, it makes them stale and uninteresting. I would re-write this part completely. But I did enjoy the whole fox-demon lore, just not the way you presented it. And I didn't like te way you said "of course she was a 'white fox demon'" like we're all supposed to be well read in Fox demon myth.
This part is confusing; at first you're not sure who is speaking, the man or the woman or Nicholas. You might've noticed I corrected the quotation marks. And I small side-note, cut the last "us" in Nicholas's dialouge, it's unnecessary and it's repeating words. Again.
It should be "They're" not "There". And since when are Martha and Martin friends with Selena and Nicholas? I thought they were just some random people in the village. This was confusing.
I thought it was unnecessary to name the twins just yet. If they become more prominent characters than, sure, name them. But already, in the first Chapter, you've bombarded us with four new names to remember. We don't need another two. I would just call them the "twins".
I made some minor changes to make this part flow better.
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Isn't that kind of confusing? to name your silver fox demon after the previous silver fox demon? I think for being the most magical creature in your world each one should have a unique name.
I'm not sure if the bold is exactly a run on sentence but it sure sounds like one. Punctuations is your friend!
Nicholas was in no state to fight? did he just give birth or did Selena? it didn't seem very believable to me. Maybe if you showed us what the labor process what like or really told us what the chase was like we might have a better idea of what state he is in. Right now it just seems out of place.
Overall I see ALOT of potential but it needs to be tweaked. And, on a side note; SPELL CHECKER IS YOUR FRIEND. Sorry about the all caps but we have a handy one right her at YWS! use it so readers aren't confused by your spelling errors.
Keep Writing!
WAY TO SHORT! I must have more, this was so good! Although I did catch some grammar problems...
Read it over again and read carefully so you can catch hopefully all the mistakes.
But like I said, overall this was very good.
ST
it was a good plot, but it could use a lot of grammar help, I'll post the crit when i have time!