Bundles of weeds take place in between the cracks of the broken sidewalk. My path is strewn with autumnal leaves--gold and red. Some of the old, dried ones are being crushed under the weight of my feet. The crisp wind picks up and again. Like a blade, that wind cuts the surface of my face and exposed neck. I shiver, but not solely because of the temperature; the streets are eerily quiet.
This place is so solemn...but mesmeric, in its own way. Have I been here before? I'm not sure. I meant to visit this town's cemetery, but due to taking an unfamiliar shortcut, I have become lost. The closest residence is a two-story house that sits atop a hill. Hopefully someone is home so they can give me directions.
My daughter, Sophie, died twenty years ago. She was just a little girl before her life was taken away by a drunk driver. If only I had paid more attention to her during that summer afternoon, then I would still have the pride and joy of my life.
My wife wanted a divorce shortly after the incident; I don't blame her. If this was the town where we used to live, I can vaguely remember it--if not at all. This is only so because I have "problems" with my memory. I seem to remember certain things--some pieces of information have been engraved into the grooves of my brain.
I have yet to forget the date of Sophie's birthday. I'm here, in this place, to give my deceased daughter a bouquet of lilacs as a gift. It's the same as I do every year. When I asked the locals where the shortcut was, they warned me of some lost spirit inside a house, but they weren't specific on which one.
It's not like I would have listened anyway; I don't believe in the supernatural.
Finally, after a long climb, my foot lands onto the rickety porch. The exterior of the house is undoubtedly aged, but I can see when it would've been in its prime. I knock on the door. But to my surprise, it hasn't been locked and willingly creaks open. I have been offered a narrow view of the inside, but everything is masked in shadow.
"Hello?" I call; there isn't a response. I dare myself to step inside the house.
The thick air feels suffocating and uncomfortably stale. A collection of cobwebs get caught in between fingers. If it weren't for my phone to serve as my source of light, I'd be surrounded in darkness. I notice that the pieces of furniture are all cloaked in white sheets. This place must have been closed down before.
If that's the case, why was the front door unlocked?
There's a silent grandfather clock standing by a cabinet that displays old china plates and wine glasses. My wife--ex-wife--loved china plates. Regardless of how dingy and alien this house is, it's somehow...making the gears of my brain turn.
Have I been here in a dream?
Is there any relevance that ties me to this house? I don't know, and I'm mentally punishing myself for not being able to confirm this. Who else is going to tell me my memories but myself?
"Hello?" I repeat, much louder this time.
Again, there isn't an answer, nor any movement that indicates someone else is in here with me. But something catches my attention: a rectangular shape behind the cabinet that looks as if it might be a framed photo. I step closer and reach behind the cabinet, straining my arm until it aches just to grab the item.
A layer of dust on the photo is so thick, I can't identity what's being shown behind it. I wipe my sleeve across the surface. It turns out to be a photo of me, my wife, Sophie from twenty years ago. We were all smiling, happily unaware of what would become of our daughter. I remember now; this used to be our home.
"Daddy?"
I freeze in place. My heart hammers against my chest--I recognize that voice. "Sophie?"
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
Whoooooaaaaa!
Hi there!
I'm here to review this amazing work!
To start off, this story had me riveted from the start. It was very well-written and I'll be lying if I said my eyes didn't bulge out of their sockets at the last line.
Really good!
Now, on to the nitpicking!
I found there seemed to be a little trouble with the tense. It's a problem I've encountered too often and it's annoying like anything.
But I think you should pay attention to what tense you want the story to move ahead in; it is rather important, you see.
Here is the number one advice everyone should follow before posting their work: PRoof-read it first. Because if you read it once or twice before posting, then you can see the mistaks for yourself and can change it. It really, really helps you to identify grammatical errors and to find out if there were any holes in your plot that you can fix.
Now moving on to the story itself.
I thought it was really well-written. Like I said before, I enjoyed reading it!
But however, I did feel that part where you mention about their deaths was a little bit too unprofessional. Considering how beautifully the rest of the story is written, I felt that you could have written that using more description and subtlety.
And that part at the end! WOWWWWIEEEE. I had the feels of a horror movie then!
Simply amazing.
You've done a good job!
Keep writing!
I loved the cliff-hanger at the end! It has me thinking, is the voice in his head? Is there actually a ghost there?
I know it changes quite a lot of the story so feel free to ignore me, it's your piece XD
It also makes him sound very lonely.
What I think would have added the mystery of this story is maybe if when he mentions the car accident he was in, he keeps in vague -something like, 'The house doesn't look familiar, but a lot of my memories are a little fuzzy since that car accident' and then if you took out the part where he spoke to the locals, it could add another layer to the story. Is the father dead too? And in his afterlife, he has been brought back to his old family home to be reunited with his dead daughter?
It's just a suggestion
I like how he caught himself saying his 'wife' then quickly changed it to his 'ex-wife', it shows that he still hasn't come to terms with the divorce and still finds himself living in the past which is very sad
I'd also say that maybe you could cut the part about Sophie's death down a little bit. We don't need to know so much information, it does slow down the pace. Maybe just jig the sentences around and shorten them a bit and it would speed it back up again
Anyway, great piece. It was a lovely read
Well done!
Thank you very much for your thoughts!
I do like your suggestion about the protagonist to make the reader wonder if he's also dead. However, I'm conflicted because I've always been intrigued by stories that involve the living coming in contact with the deceased. The concept is a mystery in itself.
I'm glad you notice the little details in this piece! And the fact that the protagonist wasn't handling the divorce well was exactly what I was going for. I like writing about issues people go through at least once in their life. Whether it be loss, grief, or disease.
I'll tweak the part about Sophie's death. You make a good point with that; I tend to drone on and add things that I don't need to for a story.
Thank you again for your review!
I really like this, it holds a lot of suspense and is kind of scary in places! The way you opened with the story was mesmerising; you made the reader feel very involved and it was as though the character was chatting to them.
I also love the cliff - hanger at the end. Some people don't like them because they want all the answers, but I think leaving it on a cliff hanger like this makes sense psychologically. It makes your readers think about the story because they desire the ending so badly.
Anyway, the only improvement that could be made would probably be to make the character a little less chatty. In some stories, this helps it along because it gives the it a lighthearted feel. However, seeing as this story seems to be of a suspenseful/horror genre, I wouldn't recommend using this technique. It kind of contradicts the tension you are trying to build around it. The readers will still be able to engage with the piece if you don't use the technique, don't worry. The rest of your work is very compelling and will be just as good, if not better without it.
Thank you very much! I was a bit worried the beginning would need more tweaking, but I'm happy to hear you enjoyed it! This piece is the one I'd say I'm most proud of. I like to let the reader decide themselves what happens next--cliff-hangers get me going.
Once again, I thank you for your feedback! Hopefully my other pieces to come will be just as impressive if you decide to read them.
I'm sure they will be, and feel free to check out my work
Hey there
Just curious is this a short stoy ? It seems a little unfinished to me. It understand that you are building up to it being his old house but then what ? I'm no saying you should give all the answers away I like to work for them a bit but I'm just confused
Did he die in the car accident a few years ago ? Is that why he hears his daughter ? If so why could the town folk see him?
Also watch the tense in which you are speaking I notice it in lots of posts people tend to skip back and forth between past and present it makes the story confusing. When you started you were talking in the present like this is all unfolding now and towards the middle you started talking like it had already happened
Yes, it is a short story. I planned to make it a cliff-hanger, as I usually do with these pieces.
The protagonist was very much alive. I just thought it would make a little more sense if he had gone through a car accident that affected his brain, hence the reason why he wasn't able to recognize the house immediately. The locals did warn him there was a ghost in the neighborhood.
I have problems with the tense--I didn't check thoroughly enough so thank you for pointing that out!