Young Writers Society

Hello, I am Anorak and I'm reviewing using the YMS'more method.

Top Graham Cracker - What I Know

I'm guessing the main character was taken out of her life and forced into something cruel. Being controlled by a sick person or emperor. The main character is slowly losing hope; and being left alone. I could be completely wrong, but that's just my interpretation. ^^

Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - Room for Improvements

There isn't particularly anything that needs to be improved. I really like how you write. I just suggest looking for more creative metaphors and similes. There are many resources online for ideas. Overall, a great piece!

Chocolate Bar - Highlights of the Piece

I loved these lines:

"You weren't a cruel king of death, tricking me to eat blood-red seeds.

As if they grew from the souls you reaped.

Nor a serpent bidding for attention, sin lacing your tongue with every word.

Tempting me further into a land of sin in which I only half know."

It has great emotion and is so dramatic. It makes you wonder who they are referring to and what they have done or brought the narrator through. Great work!

Closing Graham Cracker - Closing Thoughts

This is a great piece of poetry. Even though I've never read your novel before, it gives me great curiosity as to what it's about. Wonderful work, please keep writing! <3

just saw this and i think its really good! Its nice, sweet, short, and simple. The poem is really good at conveying such a simple idea in a very short amount of time.
I think my favorite lines have to be:

"Nor a serpent bidding for attention, sin lacing your tongue with every word.
Tempting me further into a land of sin in which I only half know."

Although I do think that the repeat of the word 'sin' doesn't exactly sit well, maybe just change it for the first line! Perhaps something like 'temptation' would suit it better. Though everything else is chef's kiss!