z
  • Home

Young Writers Society


16+ Mature Content

Everbound Poem : venus of the dead sea.

by Moonlily


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for mature content.

Note: This is not a part of Everbound Book One rather me trying to figure out later plot points. ( There are spoilers but none that would ruin the chapters I am posting so far.) 
Tw : Alcohol use.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


 I was once Orpheus

A boy filled with music and a muse.

Taken by the taste of white roses and stolen booze.

Like him, I found myself in the underworld.

What was meant to be hell literal, had no fire or broken souls.

Suffering was a thing of life weary and cold.

Here it was all the pleasure of life, never ending.

Eternal beauty, but my eyes didn't feast on silks or gold shining though blessed by Apollo.

You were the greatest work of art made here like Venus rising from the dead sea.

And if this place was yours, then I would not stray.

Forget that I was still one of the weary living.

I am him no longer

The music died in my throat, and the roses that marked you rot.

The booze is not stolen; it steals me

Deeper into the haze of longer years

Waiting for my Venus to rise above the dead sea of sleep

I can not forget I am one of the weary living.

Still, your memory haunts me.

 The sound of your voice deep and warm,

The soft feathers that made our black wedding bed,

Your embrace

All of it mere dreams

An act of solace and spite

For I would join your sleep for any of those

I'm less the poet, no love to be saved

I am the tyrant to those dead, with the bitter taste of loss

One a boy might win over filled with music and a muse.


Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
1067 Reviews

Points: 93
Reviews: 1067

Donate
Sun Jun 09, 2024 2:39 pm
vampricone6783 wrote a review...



Hello there, human! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!

Shalt we commence with the possessed S’more?

Top Graham Cracker - A poem that gives off future ideas of the story that is to come, a poem of someone lost and still trying to find their hope, their muse.

Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - This is fine, I like this poem.

Chocolate Bar - I love the Greek/Roman mythology references, I think that they fit well with the story. I like how he’s referring to her as “Venus of the Dead Sea”, a beauty in complete despair.

Closing Graham Cracker - Overall, a nice poem that brings off the idea of the story, filled with love and misery, because don’t they go hand in hand, in the end?

I wish you a lovely day/night! ^v^




User avatar
31 Reviews

Points: 1696
Reviews: 31

Donate
Fri Jun 07, 2024 1:01 am
KaeRae88 wrote a review...



Hey, KaeRae here! Okay to be honest, I had to google who Orpheus was, but, assuming you are talking about the one from Greek Mythology who went in search of the golden fleece and went into the underworld to get back his lost wife, let's jump right into it.

Like him, I found myself in the underworld.

What was meant to be hell literal, had no fire or broken souls.

Suffering was a thing of life weary and cold.

Here it was all the pleasure of life, never ending.
I definitely like the adjectives you use to describe things (weary and cold). It is a sad transition from a happy, carefree person, to dreading life, and feeling like a weight is on your shoulders. Since we are talking about Greek Mythology, it reminds me of Atlas, who carried the weight of the world on his shoulders.

I am him no longer

The music died in my throat, and the roses that marked you rot.

The booze is not stolen; it steals me

Deeper into the haze of longer years

Waiting for my Venus to rise above the dead sea of sleep

I can not forget I am one of the weary living.
If I understand correctly you are addressing the fact that his wife is no longer here, and it burdens him to the point of heavy drinking. (I am a bit slow) But I think you are addressing Venus as the Roman Goddess of love. Which makes complete sense, as you described "his lover" divinely rising out of the sea. Great, analogy here. One thing I want to point out, is that I think it would make better sense if you added a comma after the you
and the roses that marked you rot.
I read it as "you rot" and it caught me off guard. But, it is a poem so of course it is your choice whether you add it or not.
The soft feathers that made our black wedding bed,

Your embrace

All of it mere dreams

An act of solace and spite

For I would join your sleep for any of those

I'm less the poet, no love to be saved
I like the reflecting here, of the embrace, and the wedding bed. It sort of sets up the MC sense of longing for those dreams to not be dreams anymore. And/or sacrifice himself to join her death. I also like the reference back to the poet and the last few lines
I am the tyrant to those dead, with the bitter taste of loss

One a boy might win over filled with music and a muse.
adding those lines and connecting it back to the beginning kind of ties it all together. And now, it is no longer just a poem, but a story of a man who was once happy with his wife, lost her when she dies, and he loses all hope because of it. Overall, 10/10. I might have to read the story now !😆
Keep writing,
Kaerae




Moonlily says...


Thank you for the feedback! I will warn you this is a later conflict from this series!



User avatar
286 Reviews

Points: 21850
Reviews: 286

Donate
Mon Jun 03, 2024 6:13 pm
EllieMae wrote a review...



Image

Hey friend :D I wanted to stop by and give you a quick review for this lovely poem. There were some lines that really stood out to me as I was reading so I wanted to offer you some feedback and thoughts. Lets get right into the review:

A boy filled with music and a muse.

Taken by the taste of white roses and stolen booze.


I really enjoyed the rhyme between these two lines. Right from the beginning, it really drew me in and caught my attention. Muse and Booze are both words that are not commonly used, so I applaud you on your vocabulary.

Eternal beauty, but my eyes didn't feast on silks or gold shining though blessed by Apollo.

You were the greatest work of art made here like Venus rising from the dead sea.


These lines felt a little run-on for me. Perhaps making them into multiple lines and adding some commas or periods would help the reader know how to read the flow. But the imagery is beyond gorgeous so not need to change the content! I love the rising from the Dead Sea image. Death meets life. Love it!

The booze is not stolen; it steals me


This line really got my attention. I love the idea of not stealing something, but it stealing you. That describes so much in so few words. So much pain. This lack of control over a desire to have control, which leads to more desperation and pain. Absolutely beautiful imagery and thoughts, all around.

I am the tyrant to those dead, with the bitter taste of loss

One a boy might win over filled with music and a muse.


this last line was a bit confusing for me too and I didn't quite understand it. I really love the tone you use and how narrator/storyteller it sounds, like old myths which you are writing about. Awesome job, friend!!

Overall, loved this! I love your unique style and vocabulary. This really makes me want to read more of your stuff. Until next time!

Your friend,
Ellie

Image




Moonlily says...


Hello hello, thank you for reviewing. I will keep those in mind, for sure. As for the end, it was meant to reference the start in a way. Orpheus was a Greek hero who went to Hades to convince Hades ( the god ) to let him take back his dead lover through song. The end is meant to show he's becoming more like Hades who would have to be won over.




I always knew that deep down in every human heart, there is mercy and generosity. No one is born hating another person because of the color of his skin, or his background, or his religion. People must learn to hate, and if they can learn to hate, they can be taught to love, for love comes more naturally to the human heart than its opposite.
— Nelson Mandela, Long Walk to Freedom