Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for mature content.
Note: This is not a part of Everbound Book One rather me trying to figure out later plot points. ( There are spoilers but none that would ruin the chapters I am posting so far.)
Tw : Alcohol use.
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I was once Orpheus
A boy filled with music and a muse.
Taken by the taste of white roses and stolen booze.
Like him, I found myself in the underworld.
What was meant to be hell literal, had no fire or broken souls.
Suffering was a thing of life weary and cold.
Here it was all the pleasure of life, never ending.
Eternal beauty, but my eyes didn't feast on silks or gold shining though blessed by Apollo.
You were the greatest work of art made here like Venus rising from the dead sea.
And if this place was yours, then I would not stray.
Forget that I was still one of the weary living.
I am him no longer
The music died in my throat, and the roses that marked you rot.
The booze is not stolen; it steals me
Deeper into the haze of longer years
Waiting for my Venus to rise above the dead sea of sleep
I can not forget I am one of the weary living.
Still, your memory haunts me.
The sound of your voice deep and warm,
The soft feathers that made our black wedding bed,
Your embrace
All of it mere dreams
An act of solace and spite
For I would join your sleep for any of those
I'm less the poet, no love to be saved
I am the tyrant to those dead, with the bitter taste of loss
One a boy might win over filled with music and a muse.
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
Hello there, human! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!
Shalt we commence with the possessed S’more?
Top Graham Cracker - A poem that gives off future ideas of the story that is to come, a poem of someone lost and still trying to find their hope, their muse.
Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - This is fine, I like this poem.
Chocolate Bar - I love the Greek/Roman mythology references, I think that they fit well with the story. I like how he’s referring to her as “Venus of the Dead Sea”, a beauty in complete despair.
Closing Graham Cracker - Overall, a nice poem that brings off the idea of the story, filled with love and misery, because don’t they go hand in hand, in the end?
I wish you a lovely day/night! ^v^
Hey, KaeRae here! Okay to be honest, I had to google who Orpheus was, but, assuming you are talking about the one from Greek Mythology who went in search of the golden fleece and went into the underworld to get back his lost wife, let's jump right into it.
I definitely like the adjectives you use to describe things (weary and cold). It is a sad transition from a happy, carefree person, to dreading life, and feeling like a weight is on your shoulders. Since we are talking about Greek Mythology, it reminds me of Atlas, who carried the weight of the world on his shoulders.If I understand correctly you are addressing the fact that his wife is no longer here, and it burdens him to the point of heavy drinking. (I am a bit slow) But I think you are addressing Venus as the Roman Goddess of love. Which makes complete sense, as you described "his lover" divinely rising out of the sea. Great, analogy here. One thing I want to point out, is that I think it would make better sense if you added a comma after the you I read it as "you rot" and it caught me off guard. But, it is a poem so of course it is your choice whether you add it or not.
I like the reflecting here, of the embrace, and the wedding bed. It sort of sets up the MC sense of longing for those dreams to not be dreams anymore. And/or sacrifice himself to join her death. I also like the reference back to the poet and the last few lines adding those lines and connecting it back to the beginning kind of ties it all together. And now, it is no longer just a poem, but a story of a man who was once happy with his wife, lost her when she dies, and he loses all hope because of it. Overall, 10/10. I might have to read the story now !😆
Keep writing,
Kaerae
Thank you for the feedback! I will warn you this is a later conflict from this series!
Hey friend
I really enjoyed the rhyme between these two lines. Right from the beginning, it really drew me in and caught my attention. Muse and Booze are both words that are not commonly used, so I applaud you on your vocabulary.
These lines felt a little run-on for me. Perhaps making them into multiple lines and adding some commas or periods would help the reader know how to read the flow. But the imagery is beyond gorgeous so not need to change the content! I love the rising from the Dead Sea image. Death meets life. Love it!
This line really got my attention. I love the idea of not stealing something, but it stealing you. That describes so much in so few words. So much pain. This lack of control over a desire to have control, which leads to more desperation and pain. Absolutely beautiful imagery and thoughts, all around.
this last line was a bit confusing for me too and I didn't quite understand it. I really love the tone you use and how narrator/storyteller it sounds, like old myths which you are writing about. Awesome job, friend!!
Overall, loved this! I love your unique style and vocabulary. This really makes me want to read more of your stuff. Until next time!
Your friend,
Ellie
Hello hello, thank you for reviewing. I will keep those in mind, for sure. As for the end, it was meant to reference the start in a way. Orpheus was a Greek hero who went to Hades to convince Hades ( the god ) to let him take back his dead lover through song. The end is meant to show he's becoming more like Hades who would have to be won over.