The Vampires War

I just added a few grammar corrections.

Moonlight wrote:Chapter one: A Birthday Disaster

"Blow out the candles, Yuki,"(space)my mother spoke calm as usual. I sucked in a deep breath and blew. I glanced up and saw a dark figure(,) but as soon as it was there it disappeared. I looked back at the table that I was sitting at. "Happy birthday(!)" my parents yelled at once. Just me and my parents. Another birthday alone with them. My father handed me a cubed-shaped box. "Here(,) its from me and your mother." He mumbled. It's wrapping and colors were overwhelming. I unwrapped the box and lifted the lid. In cased; there was the necklace that I've wanted since I was very little. A heart pendant with a sapphire gem inside of the heart. I slowly took the pendant out of it's case. "Do you like it?" my father mumbled again. I jumped out of my metal chair and wrapped my arms around them. "Of course(,) I love it!" I played with the pendant in my hand. "Will you put it on for me?" I asked as I handed my father the pendant and he slipped it over my head. He clasped the ends together. I glanced around the tiny cramped room, and there was the dark figure leaning against the wall.
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Authors note: You must understand I haven't wrote in a while so...

I really enjoy this as a teaser. As a chapter too, just what does the next chapter start out as if its written or what plans do you have if it isn't? And not to be a meany the only big argument I have is the spacing. So congrats on a very good piece of writing. I hope ot see more of it or not to be as blind if its already up.

Very very wonderful tease in my opinion. It would make an amazing chapter, but if so how does the next one start off? If you don't want to add posts to your story just P.M. please? And I enjoy the innocence then sudden contrast towards the end.Very much so the ending. I love it. Hope to see more. Oh and not to be a meany but yeah spacing would be nice =\

Hello there, and welcome to YWS! You can call me Stella, everybody does.

Sweetie, I'd just like to remind you that there are a few rules in YWS just to make sure everything runs smoothly. One of them is that for every piece of your own work you submit, you review two other people's. It's only fair really. Your review count is currently at zero, so get cracking!

Right so. Onto the review itself.

I. NITPICKS

Here's how it works. Big quote box with your piece in it. Comments, corrections and compliments in bold!

Moonlight wrote:Chapter one: A Birthday Disaster

"Blow out the candles, Yuki,"my mother spoke perhaps a simple said would fit better. Then a commaclamcalm as usual.I'd go new paragraph.
I sucked in a deep breath and blew. I glanced up and saw a dark figure but as soon as it was there it disappeared. I looked back at the table that I was sitting at. new paragraph
"Happy birthday," my parents yelled at once. Just me and my parents. Another birthday alone with them. new paragraph
My father handed me a cubed-shaped box. "Here itapostrophes from me and your mother," he mumbled. It'sIts wrapping and colors were overwhelming. I unwrapped the box and lifted the lid. In cased;Encased, there was the necklace that I've I'd wanted since I was very little. A heart pendant with a sapphire gem inside of the heart. I slowly took the pendant out of it's its case. new paragraph
"Do you like it?" my father mumbled again. I jumped out of my metal chair and wrapped my arms around them. new paragraph
"Of, no comma course I love it!" I played with the pendant in my hand. "Will you put it on for me?" I asked as I handed my father the pendant and he slipped it over my head. He clasped the ends together. I glanced around the tiny cramped room, and there was the dark figure leaning against the wall.

Tomarrow There will be more,17 pages I hope to get in.

It was short but I liked it because it had a sense of mystery and darkness and I like that sorta thing.

Okay. You had a few grammar mistakes that I noticed.

Its calm not clam

You also need to seperate your characters dialogue from your description. Its a rule of literature. Also instead of using a period in some of your dialogues you need commas.

It seems very interesting and I love vampire stories. When you get the next post up on this story PM me and I'll happily review it.

Great job, good luck, and keep writing!

The only thing I noticed is that your parents don't really seem happy, your father's mumbling etc. Why? But, I can't wait to read more..................................

ooooooooooooooooooooooooo i love it!
i wanna read more though
i think this is a great prologue (sp)
whos the dark figure? how old is yuki now?
what's gonna happen? *strokes fake goatee*
these are tha answers i need to know...
x]

I agree with the other reviewers about the corrections. It seems like a really interesting story.

My prediction: The blue pendant has significant meaning!


I'm excited for more. PM me when you add more!

ImaginativeInsanity Yeah I like to make things very "vivid". I even won an award for the movies. I'm using it for "Twilight"

Interesting story beginning. I'm really interested to know who the dark figure is.
A little bit of proofreading:

"Blow out the candles, Yuki,"my mother spoke [s]clam[/s] [calm] as usual. I sucked in a deep breath and blew. I glanced up and saw a dark figure, but as soon as it was there, it disappeared. I looked back at the table that I was sitting at. "Happy birthday." my parents yelled at once. Just me and my parents. Another birthday alone with them. My father handed me a cubed-shaped box. "Here, [s]its[/s][it's, as in it is. 'its' denotes possession.] from me and your mother[s].[/s][should be a comma.]" He mumbled. [s]It's[/s][This time, you're using it for possession, therefore it should be its.] wrapping and colors were overwhelming. I unwrapped the box and lifted the lid. [s]In cased;[/s][I believe the word you want here is 'encased', and it requires no semicolon, only a comma.] there was the necklace that I've wanted since I was very little. A heart pendant with a sapphire gem inside of the heart.[Consider rewording this sentence. The repetition of 'a heart' messes with the rhythm.] I slowly took the pendant out of it's case. "Do you like it?" my father mumbled again. I jumped out of my metal chair and wrapped my arms around them. "Of, course I love it!" I played with the pendant in my hand. "Will you put it on for me?" I asked as I handed my father the pendant and he slipped it over my head. He clasped the ends together. I glanced around the tiny cramped room, and there was the dark figure leaning against the wall.

Moonlight wrote:"Blow out the candles, Yuki," [just need a space here] my mother spoke clam as usual. I sucked in a deep breath and blew. I glanced up and saw a dark figure but as soon as it was there it disappeared. I looked back at the table that I was sitting at.
"Happy birthday." my parents yelled at once. Just me and my parents. Another birthday alone with them. My father handed me a cube[s]d[/s] [don't need the d]-shaped box.
"Here its from me and your mother." He mumbled.
It's wrapping and colors were overwhelming. I unwrapped the box and lifted the lid. In cased; there was the necklace that I've wanted since I was very little. A heart pendant with a sapphire gem inside of the heart. I slowly took the pendant out of it's case.
"Do you like it?" my father mumbled again.
I jumped out of my metal chair and wrapped my arms around them. "Of, course I love it!" I played with the pendant in my hand. "Will you put it on for me?" I asked as I handed my father the pendant and he slipped it over my head. He clasped the ends together. I glanced around the tiny cramped room, and there was the dark figure leaning against the wall.